It’s that time of year, golfers are hitting the greens and golf jokes are starting to come in on our site. I am not a golf expert, actually I have never even played golf. But, I live with a golf pro whose motto is if there’s no snow on the ground, it’s open season to golf.

The funny thing about golf for me is that everyone gets excited to go out and golf, “let’s get some beer, some cigars, and have a great time on the course,” I hear the guys say. My husband will wake up early, go through some pretty bizarre pre-game stretching rituals and heads to the course smiling, prepared to have one hell of a day and golf better than all his friends, I’m sure. But, it always sounds like something very different happens when they actually get to the course.

This sounds more like their golfing days…after the first shot is fired the first f-bomb is also fired into the air, and soon after that the first club is tossed further than the last shot traveled. They all stop talking, and my husband’s most mile mannered friend turns into the incredible hulk and every shot sends him into more and more rage. Often times the words “I hate this game” or “why did we even come out here” are muttered. Now, maybe I’m just not getting it, but this doesn’t sound like much fun to me. But, one thing seems to always save the day for them - just when they think the day could not get any worse, from the distance comes the beautiful sound of a cart headed the wrong way up the fairway. Now when this happens I’m sure their eyes get wide, the smiles come back, and they begin to salivate. The cart brings the only thing that could possibly calm them down and that, as we all know, is an ice cold beer from the cart girl. Then, when the first beer is cracked they begin talking about the 19th hole. Regardless how bad they played that day, they sit back, relax, and drink the bad shots away and say their what-ifs…what if I didn’t hit that one out of bounds, what if I would have made that putt, what if I just wouldn’t have chucked that one. Ahhh, the 19th hole.

Then, even if they played awful they begin to think about the next time they can get together and do it all over again. So stressful and yet so fun.

For some great golf jokes, click here.

Living in WI you can see your fare share of beer bellies - or…are they?

Check this out - the beerbelly - a device that looks like a true blue beer belly, when it’s actually a beer, well -you name it - dispenser. No kidding! This is perfect for taking beverages into your next ball game, roaming the mall with your wife, sitting in a boring class - wherever!

Here’s what the site says:

“Made up of an insulated neoprene sling and a polyurethane bladder connected to a drinking tube, the Beerbelly® holds over a half gallon of amber nectar and it will stay cold for hours with the optional freezer pack. Amazing, right? Okay, so you’ll look a little chubby when wearing it, but who gives a XXXX when you can stealth swig your favorite brew wherever you may roam.”

What does this have to do with joke-telling you might ask? Nothing - I just thought it was pretty sweet and wanted to share the good news.

My husband and I have zero will power, we always seem to find a later, better date to give up our vices, live healthier, and stay home more. But, I have to say, we have a hell of a time and a lot of fun.

This includes drinking - I will go out saying to myself that I’m going to behave and the next thing I know it’s my third glass of wine at the Redroom and we’re moving to Bayview for more. Maybe it’s that I surround myself with other people that have no will power and we are all evil bar flies. Maybe it’s because I love being in social settings, love heading out for a refreshing beverage, and love going out in Milwaukee - and so does my husband. Also, why is it that the nights you’re going out for “just one” always seem to be the most fun and leave you feeling the worst for work the next day?

Anyway, there is something to be said for sitting among friends and telling funny bar jokes, especially if you have a laid back bartender who has heard them all! Last week we swapped jokes with the bartender at the Plainfield Pub, in Milwaukee. Good times.

Some things to remember when telling a bar joke. First, keep it short - you may not know the number of consumed bevies (aka beverages) of your audience. Second, keep it simple. See the ‘keep it short’ for the same reasoning. Third, take into consideration who you’re telling and where you are. For instance, nothing good can come from telling a redneck joke at a Nascar bar! Or, you could be the hit of the place - who knows!

Here are some great ones to practice and tell while you’re warming a bar stool:

• 3 shots of whiskey
• Drinking Buddies
• Another Irish Joke

Click here for more great bar jokes.
Now hit your local bar and start telling some jokes - I promise, you’ll be the hit of the place!

My mother is not a happy person. She’s a marvel of modern medical technology. Things keep falling off and the doctors keep pasting them back on. Think Jamie Summers, except 64 and pissed off. Instead of using her bionics for good, my mother focuses her energy into darting off rage-crusted letters to unsuspecting customer service people.

Over the years, my mother has written massive missives to the likes of AT&T, P&G, Whirlpool, and thousands more. These letters are typed formally on her trusty IBM typewriter, artfully dotted with whiteout as she misspells an impressive litany of incredibly foul words. Perhaps my favorite was a letter she sent to Betty Crocker accusing “her” of secretly changing the brownie mix. My mother’s wrath knew no bounds as she accused Betty of killing her reputation as “the best brownie maker in Fulton County.” She went on to reserve a very special place in hell for Betty, one far more creative and “appropriate” to the, ahem, situation.

Now over the years, I have made the mistake of sending my mother gifts for mother’s days. Flowers, plants, cookies, pretty standard fare. The letters these gifts have inspired will someday be archived in the Smithsonian. I kid you not. My mother may well be the Hemmingway, nay Martin Amis, of customer service letters.

I provide the preceding as a backdrop for why I wrote the following card to accompany my mother’s day flower arrangement. Proflowers was gracious enough to provide me ample space to affix a special note to mom. And here’s what I had to say:

“Happiest Mother’s Day! I hope this year the flowers show up wilted, stink nasty, spread plague, promote pestilence, endanger wildlife, eat your cat, mock the mailman, marry beneath them, and do anything else that may possibly annoy you. With all my heart, I hope this inspires an all star letter to customer service.”

I hope everyone is getting ready to celebrate their mom this Sunday, I know I am. I just read it’s the day of the year with the most calls placed. Come on - do people really rely on a Hallmark holiday to pick up the phone? What about calling on Parent’s Day - yeah, that’s a holiday too (I wonder who thought up that one)! I’m excited because I get to see my mom this year and I have the most loving mom and mother-in-law (you both are still reading my posts, right?)

There isn’t too much you can do to make fun of your mom, especially on Mother’s Day. But, I found the below pretty - well, cute. Still trying to think of what you can do for your mom? Make her laugh! Check out our site for some great jokes to tell her.

A dictionary for mothers:

• Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
• Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside
• Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert
• Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
• Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots
• Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him
• Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right
• Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid
• Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it
• Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own
• Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it
• Show off: A child who is more talented than yours
• Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it
• Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies
• Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises
• Verbal: Able to whine in words
• Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house
• Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

What is it that makes a joke good or bad — leaves you laughing or feeling disgusted? Is it when it’s at another’s expense and not your own? When you give the approval you’re ready for it?

Recently my husband and I went to O’Sheas in Vegas. It’s a casino across from Caesar’s - perhaps a little less swanky. I think it was the midget dressed as a leprechaun outside the door that drew us in, or perhaps the aspect of beer pong on the strip. Anyway, we ended up seeing the comedian Vinnie Favorito there. Vinnie’s known for doing celebrity roasts; his entire show is live and unscripted, consisting of him asking the audience questions and cracking jokes at their expense. He also makes fun of himself by telling a lot of Italian jokes, which opened the door for him to make fun of many other ethnicities. It definitely made me appreciative of his comedic skills how he could come up with one-liners so fast and bring the entire room and commentary together - I laughed…a lot.

Maybe it was because we were in a dark room, but it was really easy to laugh as he made fun of other people. Why is that? Although, we were laughing with them (not at them), as they all laughed along to the routine - but, were they really happy with what he had to say? Sitting there I felt half thrill that he might call on us, and half dread for the same reason. Luckily, he never did.

But, it got me to thinking - what makes what he says about you funny and what crosses the line? One man seemed nervous and stuttered when asked a question and Vinnie immediately made fun of him asking if stuttered - the man did. Akward! Probably not the response Vinnie wanted. Also, he continually picked on a lady in the front because he thought she looked so much older than her sisters. If that were me, I’d have been so mad! What if she really has a complex about it? Yet, people laughed, as did the lady. Are we as a culture that in need of attention or are we just that ok with laughing at ourselves?

I did find a new love for dirty martini’s on the vacation, so maybe that would have loosened me up for his jokes had he called on us. I’m not sure. I guess if you know it’s coming your way - it’s not as bad. Heck - I probably would have even laughed.

It’s a fine line - I know. Some days I can’t stand to hear one more thing about the race or politicians (even if it is a joke, I don’t want to hear about them!) and others, like today, I like a good laugh on their behalf. If you’re feeling the same - here are some good jokes to get you through…

The Wired Press, ran the story President Bush found beheaded, unharmed. Oh…what genius.

Comic Wonder’s member TastesLikeChicken (If you like cannibal jokes and a man with a deep, deep voice - you will love him) told this one, A cannibal inquires about the menu prices.

I also came across this politician joke at Flickabooger (yep, that’s the site!) that I thought would make a great joke on Comic Wonder. Check out our joke limbo to find more text jokes that you can give a whirl and tell on our site. Who knows, you may be next week’s winner.

Here goes:

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the Golden Gate. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can chose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it’s time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…The elevator goes up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They had a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.” The senator reflects and answers, “Well, I would never have thought this, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.” So St. Peter exscorts him to the elevator and he goes down to hell.

Now the doors open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator.

“Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced, and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning…Today you voted.”

Ok, by now I figure that more than half the world watches American Idol, at least, if not more. It’s clearly taken over everything - I mean, Ryan Seacrest is famous for goodness sake people! I was one of the sole few several years ago that didn’t watch, and I am now just like everyone else - my husband and I watch it religiously every week. For all those who think they are too cool for it like I did- I must just say, let it suck you in! We definitely forward through the pointless stuff - like the call in questions from the viewers, the beginning singers we didn’t like, the joking around Ryan does with the singers while they try to put hand signals up of their number for the camera (the point of which is beyond me). Although we don’t take the time to vote, we still manage to yell at the TV as the results of those that did are given. What a joke it was when Michael Johns got kicked off - he was great, and not bad to look at.

Last week, Kristy Lee Cook was let go. While I wanted her to get the ax many weeks ago, I thought she wasn’t the one America should have voted off last week. I mean come on…how more annoying can Brooke White get?! The way she always smiles at the audience and consoles us when she gets a bad review with the “it’s ok, it’s ok” line. What?! No, it’s not ok Brooke, we wanted you off! My husband finds the fact that she hasn’t seen an R rated movie reason enough to vote her off, never mind her singing. I would have to agree. This has been the American Idol with really great singers - but, equally frustrating people on trying to get attention and ham it up (*cough, Brooke & Kristy, cough, cough*). But, I digress.

By now I think everyone assumes it will come down to David Archuleta (who says his favorite quote is, “You’ll never be lonely if you befriend yourself” - I just had to add that in - classic) and David Cook. And, who doesn’t like Jason Castro, but I don’t think he can pull of the win. Maybe if he didn’t look so stoned he’d get more votes?! Regardless, he’s in my top three.

Since I have all these opinions I should actually vote! But, then I would just have more to complain about and would be so much more frustrated when the next person to get voted off isn’t Brooke. Geesh - for such a family friendly show - it sure brings out a lot of aggression in me, I’m sure Brooke is really quite lovely.

No, I am not talking about it making funny noises. Although if you want to change the sounds it makes, here are some articles on that, and a place where you can find some free sounds to use. Vista, WinXP/Win2k, free sounds. (This can make a great joke on others. Listen to this to see what happened when I changed a roommate’s error message.)

This article shows us that our computers don’t tell us jokes because we haven’t taught them how to yet. For those who don’t wish to walk through the code, an explanation in the article gives a short break down of what it does.

The program is written LISP, which is mostly used in the programming of artificial intelligence programs. It forms a joke/pun in the form of: What happens when you cross x with y? And then gives you a comedic answer.

First thing the program has to learn are words. But it isn’t just as simple as uploading a dictionary of words. We also have to tell the program what words relate to each other, and if any of them sounds like each other.

Example:

• a port on a computer can be a serial port, so we have a relationship between ‘port’ and ’serial’.
• frosted flakes are a cereal, so there is a relation between ‘frosted flakes’ and ‘cereal’.
• ‘Serial’ and ‘cereal’ sound like each other.

Which led the program to create one of my new favorite jokes (from the article).

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A PORT WITH FROSTED FLAKES?
I don’t know, but it’s serial

So while this program can come up with some fabulous one liners, I don’t see it taking over the joke telling scene. Why don’t you go tell some fabulous jokes to make sure we stay ahead of mechanical joke machines!

As is the case every year - people are scrambling to get their taxes in by tomorrow. Either people are laughing all the way to the bank - or not. If you are a regular reader, you know I’m heading to Vegas, so this tax season was good to me and hopefully will only get bigger and better in Vegas!

It’s said that people who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women. Therefore my friends, if this was not your year, you are not alone.

So, if you need a laugh tomorrow - check out Comic Wonder. Below is my favorite text tax joke; for more great jokes go to our joke limbo– a location where you can save the text jokes that lay dormant and tell them with your own witty tone, accent, or inflection. Truly make them your own and compete to be our contest winner!

Here goes:

“A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, ‘I’d like to try the bet.’ After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, ‘What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?’ The man replied, ‘no, I work for the IRS.’”

Our late night comedians are also in on the tax time banter:

“President Bush says he’s going to simplify the tax code. Only the states that are blue will have to pay.” –-David Letterman

“President Bush said yesterday it doesn’t make any sense to raise taxes on the rich because rich people can figure out how to dodge taxes. Then Dick Cheney said ‘Shut up! You’re ruining everything.’” –Jay Leno