We must first appologize for the delay in announcing a couple of very well-deserved awards. We didn’t intentially forget about naming a winning joke for the Thanksgiving holiday. To be honest, we didn’t know that there was a Friday after Thanksgiving. For years we celebrate with a big Turkey feast hera at the Comic Wonder compound and then go to sleep for a bout 48-62 hours. Due to an error in online shopping, only one cornish game hen was ordered for our feast and that only fed about 3 staffers’ kids. The lack of tryptophan limited our ability to justify several days of hibernation.

Fortunately the egg nog did arrive and we added our special sauce. Booze, look for it next time you’re out. It really punches up just about any beverage. Thanks to the booze-nog we were able to sleep for for a couple days without accomplishing anything. Fortunately we are awake now and it’s time to play catch up.

During the Thanksgiving holiday we were treated to a genuinely charming and funny joke by Clarence Press. He’s our Comic Wonder of the Week past for his joke called “The Blonde with the Long Password.”

It’s a new week and we’ve just got done listening to some gut busting submissions. It wasn’t an easy decision but in the end we all loved the well crafted and perfectly told joke called “I forgot our anniversary again this year” by the poetic gester known as Johnny Mac.

It’s also a great joke that could be repurposed in theme of a Christmas gift so you could take a listen and make it your own. What a perfect sequence to talk about our Comic Wonder Holiday Joke Challenge! You have until December 31st to submit your funniest jokes and the winner will walk away with $200 bucks!

In tough economic times like these where unemployment is skyrocketing and most companies asking staffers to take pay cuts, you could value that $200 dollar prize at approximately $3,800 in value. See dealer for details, OAC, not available in stores and any other disclaimer needed to keep us from beign sued.

Submitted by:
Barb Dwire, ComicWonder Regional Director of Fencing and Author of “Paper Cuts: Read This Book Fast for Details

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‘Twas the week before Turkey Day and all through Comic Wonder,

jokes were pouring in to our phones and laughter rang like thunder.

With cash on the line the jokes came by the by the bazillions,

Our judges were busy and half way through a keg of Killian.

Some submission were so funny we laughed til’ we cried,

occasionally they were so lame we were sorry you even tried.

The best were narrowed down to only a select few,

We had the winning check but didn’t know who to make it out to.

The Comic Wonder of the Week charmed us like the great Lawrence Welk,

which is convenient because it rhymes with Voice of Elk!

Take a listen to “The Reindeer’s Wives” for a Holiday treat,

You’ll never look at doe the same when you see them on the street.

Don’t be discouraged that you didn’t win this week,

It’s tough to pick “the best” and it doesn’t mean you jokes wreak.

It’s the sharing season after all so don’t you dare quit!

It’s also a time when punks knock on the door and leave a flaming back of S*$&!

We’ve ruined more italian loafers that way than you would believe

It usually takes 20 minutes to scrape it all of with the wreath.

That’s enough about us and the little neighbor kids we’d like to smack,

Let us now focus on how we want to further give back.

We’ve upped the ante and pulled out some more cash,

Call with you best Holiday themed jokes and do it fast!

Comic Wonders Holiday Jokes Challenge is now underway,

The funniest of the funny scores a $200 dollar payday!

The deadline is New Years Eve so start making us laugh,

Our head judge is Neidermeyer from Animal House, yeah…THE MARK METCALF!

Now you have all the details and we can’t think of anything more,

Good timing too because we gotta run and answer the door.

Submitted by:
Ivanna Fruitcake, ComicWonder Botanist and Author of Wearing A Robe Backward: How The Snuggie Was Inspired By A Lazy Guy

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ALERT: Content of this week’s winning joke may be offensive to anyone with a sense of decency. Alright, it’s a bit raunchy. Ironically familiar though. ‘Nuff said.

Congratulations to Canucklehead for his winning efforts called “Which Way Is Twitch?” We don’t recommend you tell this one in your church pew but we do think you’ll confess to laughing at it.

As we enter the “giving season,” we at Comic Wonder would like to cordially invite you to our 2009 Holiday Joke Challenge. Dig out your cardigans, dickies and penny loafers because this is sure to be a collection of priceless holiday memories. We are now accepting your very best holiday jokes. Tis’ the season to gather with loved ones and pretend to really like the holiday sweaters they are wearing

“No, really Aunt Janet…The way you added tinsel to the sweater really makes it quote…er…uh…unique…and….festive.”

Then you open your matching sweater and the obligation to wear it is too unbearable. One of the uncles has too much Booze-nog, rips off the tinsel and the tears begin to flow. No matter what you celebrate in your family, you know the pains of “the most wonderful time of the year.” Relax, you’re not alone. That’s why we are spicing things up with an extra stack of cash. 1st place in our holiday joke contest scores $200 bucks! Use it to buy presents, pay for your scrumptious feast or to bail out your uncle. Second place will score $200 bucks and all other competitors will win our admiration.

But wait, you’ll also receive a NEW found respect for the art of joke telling! In these tough financial times we can all use a good laugh and cheep thrills. We are happy to pass along an economical and fun way to make your holiday party a hit. Comic Wonders Punch Packer. It’s our original twist on the punch you may have served in years past. You’ll need Oranges, Cherries, Lemon Zest, Cloves and a bottle of your favorite booze. First, go in to the bathroom and drink the entire bottle of booze. Next, watch as your friends and family fight and try to have a good time with oranges, cherries, lemon zest and cloves. Happy non denominational winter holiday from all of us at Comic Wonder!

Submitted by:
Glenn Fiddich, ComicWonder Spirit Advisor and Author of A Hangover Remedy: The Hang On

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Back to the cash. Congratulations to this weeks winner, Foggy, for a great joke called “Welfare Line.” It’s well told and even gets a laugh from the artist so you know it’s worth a listen.

We must admit, there’s really nothing funny about welfare. Well, there was nothing funny until we ran across a hard to believe solution from a kiwi. In fact, a New Zealand Politician is making welfare reform his purpose. Sorta. Micheal Laws has stirred up some controversy with his new idea that “there are too many people who should not have children” and that the government could begin to reform this by offering to pay problem parents not to breed. He told a newspaper, “If we gave $10,000 to certain people and say ‘We’ll voluntarily sterilize you.’ then all of society would be better off.”

We’re not saying that this is the worst idea ever, but we can’t help but draw a comparison to a movie we watched recently. Mike Judge is the guy who brought us Office Space and Beavis and Butthead. He also brought us a gem called “Idiocracy.”

What if only the dumbest among us of survived? What if the future was made up of a population where only complete morons were the breeders? Check out the trailer here.

Hopefully we have inspired you to be among the smart. At least some sign of wit? Harness that thought and submit the funniest joke you’ve ever told this week! It could earn you some cash and a place in the ComicWonder archives of joke legends. Although, the archive will probably be demolished for a Liquor Store parking garage when the idiots rule the world.

Submitted by:Cliff Notes, ComicWonder Jr VP of Tootsie Roll Development and Author of Working Title

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We at ComicWonder must apologize for the lack of communication over the past couple weeks. Our Annual Halloween carving contest got out of hand and 112 stitches later we are almost back to full staff. A lawsuit is pending but for now we are still operating as ComicWonder. “Larry the Intern’s Joke Website” doesn’t exactly have a ring to it and hopefully the judge will agree.

The good news is that we are backed up on our ComicWonder of the Week awards and it’s time to hit you with 3 hilarious submissions. Firstly, congrats to Joel Elstner for his winning performance of “The Eye Doctor.” Who said Polish jokes were dead? Besides the Polish, of course. They did invent the Submarine screen door. Quite an accomplishment after the backlash from a failed helicopter ejector seat effort.

We also want to celebrate a new–comer to the ComicWonder world who puts his professional joke skills to work on a daily basis. Alan Ray’s jokes have been featured on Jay Leno, morning radio shows and publications like the New York Times and Los Angeles Times and more. Now he’s delivering his daily take on what’s funny in the news to ComicWonder fans every day! Funny and original material that has already earned him a weekly prize. Check in daily to see “what Alan Ray’s Joking about” at ComicWonder by visiting his group page. Don’t be shocked when you hear his spin on the headlines coming out of the mouth of your favorite night time comedian.

We round out the awards with a special salute to this week’s top funnyman. FunnyMAN, that’s foreshadowing. Ryan Seacrest would make you wait until after the commercial break for the winner but we’ll just consider this transitional sentence enough of a teaser.

Congrats to prman214 for “Flying Without a Net”. A clever joke that may require a second listen. We’ll look forward to more submissions from newcomer “prman214” who can surely appreciate the good PR he’ll get for being “an award winning joke teller.” A great way to pad the resume.

While many of you are focused on your Halloween costumes, do take some time to remember that it’s the final week to take part in ComicWonder’s Doctor Joke Contest. It’s your chance at $200 bucks and a priority in line for the swine flu show. Okay, just the cash. We don’t have pull in the H1N1 arena just yet. We will take your best doctor themed jokes until October 31st so pick up the phone and make us laugh! At least tell a joke, we’re getting lots of heavy breathing on the other end of the line. We do like those but need to get a certain amount of joke submissions to keep our license.

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His legend has grown now to the top of the hallowed halls of our archives. Along with a handful of others, we can not say ReedBurns is a true ComicWonder legend.

Coming in the next few months will be a special section on ComicWonder celebrating the “Legends of ComicWonder”. We will be taking a look at all the people past and present who have contributed either by telling jokes or being a great community member, and doing a little profile on them. Consider it an old style family barbeque, with horseshoes, lemonade and funny jokes… but without the hurt feelings after a family argument.

We’ll first be fielding suggestions via our forum for ComicWonder legends. Give us who you think and why. We’ll then be taking everything into consideration and making a very small selection for the first list. But that list will grow over time.Thanks again, and keep a look out for ComicWonder Legends in a few months!

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Imagine a vast stage with twinkling lights and flowing silk curtains. An orchestra pit is filled with brass horns and a string section that started to build. The music swells and the announcer comes over the speakers saying “Ladies and gentleman…welcome to Comic Wonders Lawyer Joke Contest Awards…and now…please welcome (insert relevant and likable host here)!”

The audience (you) are applauding and the pyrotechnics go off with only minimal issues. One curtain is set on fire but crews rush to put it out and ultimately it’s edited out of the television replay anyhow. It smells of burnt silk but that only adds to the charm. The host says some funny things and makes just enough charming references to endear the audience. Your eating out of his or her palm.

“And now…the nominees for this years Comic Wonder Lawyer Joke contest.” The screen show several names and cleverly titled jokes. Some of the joke tellers are shown, most of which realize they are on camera and only one looks very drunk and bitter. “In second place…the winner of $100 dollars and a place in Comic Wonder history…is…going to be announced after the commercial break!”

The audience is in total suspense and a bit irritated. After 6 minutes the orchestra starts up again and the announcer says “Welcome back to Comic Wonders Lawyer Joke Contest Awards!” The host comes back on stage in a new outfit and has a new hair style. “Welcome back, before the break we were ready to announce the second place winner in this years Lawyer joke contest. We had tons of great submission and even a bunch of really lame ones…” The audience (you) all laugh and are charmed by the hosts honesty. “…and now…the 2nd place winner who will walk away with $100 bucks and our admiration…Joe Elstner for ‘Sell Your Soul!’!”

The audience (you) erupts and the music swells. The camera shows Joe and his family. One of his family members also appears to be very drunk. Joe comes to the stage and tells a great story about the joke and the day he told it. He goes on for far too long though and the orchestra starts playing that “okay, enough already dude!” music that hints to him that we are out of time and to shut up. He doesn’t and it gets weird. Ultimately the part where the security drags him off stage is edited out of the TV replay.

“An now we would like to honor the cream of the crop. The winner of this years Comic Wonder Lawyer Joke contest. The content…delivery and overall laugh factor made this a unanimous decision for our judges. The winner of $200 bucks and top honors in the Comic Wonder records library (doesn’t actually exist but it sounds good on TV…ultimately that reference is edited out of the TV replay though)…is…non other than xxxgamermonkey for ‘Frank the Lawyer!’!”

The audience erupts and confetti shoots from the stage. A few cannons don’t go off and ultimately that part is edited out of the TV replay. xxxgamermonkey isn’t in attendance so the host says “xxxgamermonkey and family couldn’t be here tonight so we accept this in their honor!” The music swells and and camera shows that most of the audience is already headed for the doors. It appears we have lots of bitter losers. The host makes some funny remarks and closes the show with a musical number that features a 42 piece marching band and several dozen dancers from many different countries from around the world. It’s powerful and and touching in many different cultures. Ultimately it’s edited out of the TV replay because of time constraints. The TV replay isn’t well received because of so many content edits and the decision to not televise the awards again next year is made. Ironic, eh?

Congratulations to our winners and thanks to all of you who shared great jokes simply because you knew one that just deserved to be told. That is why were are here and we are not here without you. Keep it up Comic Wonders!

Submitted by:
Rich Enlove, VP of TV replay editing and Author of Great Moments You Never Saw: Edited edition”

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The answer is one-part human nature, one-part misunderstanding, and a whole-lotta-parts assholishnes.

If you look at what makes a good lawyer joke, the punchline usually revolves around the lawyer being related to greed. The connotation a lawyer projects in the past century has shifted to screwing people over: YOU, the government, someone else, old ladies, Jewish fellas, Christain fellas, rich, poor, whatever it doesn’t matter. What matters is that the perception in 2009 is lawyers are crooks.

So what about you? Do you feel that way? Do you like lawyer jokes? Do you think they are offensive and unfair? Do you think there is another angle relating to lawyers that makes a good lawyer joke? Share your comments below or post over on our forum!

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