By Billy Rubin

Comic Wonder Regional Director of Family Relations.

Comic Wonder asked me to write an occasional blog about my experiences as a new dad. They have sorta made me the Regional Director of Family Relations or something like that. My daughter Hemi is around 14 months old now. I would say she’s a year and 2 months but my wife says that’s not how your describe a babies age. It needs to be in months until they reach around 24 months. Seems like 2 years to me but I’m just along for the ride so 14 months it is.

I was always on Varsity growing up so it’s nearly impossible for me to not bring my “A Game” every time I grab a ball. That’s why it’s tough to spend time with my daughter. Don’t get me wrong, I like hanging out with my baby but she has a hard time keeping up. (Plus, I was working on a 16 beer hangover.) Sports? Forget it, she didn’t even catch a single toss. I even used a larger softball and threw it underhand a couple dozen times. She also has a very low threshold for pain. I’ve pretty much given up on sports with her. That leaves Television.

My wife left me at home to watch her the other day and said “Noggin” is hemi’s favorite channel to watch. I am a Cinemax or SportsCenter guy so this channel was new to me. Noggin was mainly low brow stuff like cartoons and shows with lots of singing or overly excited guys in neon colored clothes. I was excited to see occasional trivia segments and brain teasers. I’m pretty awesome at being smart and stuff. Maybe too smart. This cartoon Moose came on the screen and asked something like “can you tell me which of these cats is orange?” There were only 3 cats on the screen. One was blue, one was green and one was clearly orange. Clearly. It hardly took me any time to answer. My daughter just stared blankly. I don’t even think she tried. Then she stuck most of her foot in her mouth. It could be the beginning of great hurdling form but my gut tells me she’s just lazy. We watched some pointless show with a bunch of buck tooth puppets dancing around and then another trivia segment came on again. 3 cats appeared on the screen and that same Moose said “can you tell me which of these cats has stripes?” I studied all 3 cats carefully and quickly yelled “the one on the f-ing left!” I was right on the money. Too easy. I was sad that my daughter didn’t even venture a guess but I took pride in knowing she could look up to me and be proud of how kick butt her dad is at trivia. Sports, engines, cards and now trivia.

I’m new at this dad stuff but I know my job is to teach and inspire her. That’s why I offered to put all of my division champ trophies in her nursery. My wife didn’t like that idea so I kept them on the mantle. Which is right next to the TV so it’s a great place to show them off. Speaking of which, my godlike abilities grew as we continued watching this Noggin channel for our 3rd straight hour. Trivia and matching games popped up about every half hour and it was like shooting fish in a barrel. I only missed a couple answers and I still think the Moose could have been more clear. I celebrated my impressive run of wits with a tall boy and a shot of Black Velvet. I also think that my girl is impressed by my ability to put away such a large beer in the same time an average guy could chug a 12 ouncer. A tall boy (16 ouncer!) must look massive to her. I pretty much just switched it in to autopilot as hour number 5 watching Noggin came and went. The standings? Baby: ZERO…Daddy: 34 for 40!!!

It occurred to me that perhaps this was counterproductive for my daughter. To be honest…these questions seemed to be aimed at a really dumb audience. When that Moose asked, “which of these can we use to cross the lake? a car…a motorcycle…or a boat?”, I was stunned. “This sh*% is for morons!” I didn’t even want my little girl to learn from idiots like this Moose. It’s not just the cartoon characters either. There was this feminine looking guy with a blue dog who struck me as dim too. He would stare at the screen as ask stuff like “hey, can you help me find the door?” It took him like 30 seconds and the help of that dog to realize he was standing directly in front of it! I can’t believe this clueless wuss is a role model.

By 5:00 that night I realized my daughter and I had watched than channel for around 7 straight hours. We combined efforts for 9 16-ounce tall boys too. I drank em and she watched with admiration…and her foot in her mouth. Although I have more to learn about being a dad I do know that I am already influencing her and teaching her that I am smarter than most of those boobs on TV. Maybe next time we’ll trust my fatherly instincts and watch something a bit more sophisticated and educational. I’m thinking ESPN because it will also help her to finally catch one of my tight spirals.