I’m proud to say that I’m a survivor.  I’ve seen a lot in my 86 years but yesterdays visit to Wallsave was a terrifying experience.  I live in an assisted thriving community now called the Eternityshire Estates.  Our shuttle takes residents in to the city twice a week.  I decided it was time to stock up on Dinty Moore beef stew and such so I packed my hip wallet with my money and meds. 

   When we arrived at our drop off I was a bit confused to see that my old trustee Pay-n-Prosper had been torn down and replaced with a new gigantic building called “Wallsave: Santa Fe”  Apparently it’s like the other Wallsaves around the country with a bit of Santa Fe flare.  I noticed the food court was painted like the desert.  Even the security fellow had an embroidered badge patch in the shape of a cactus.  It seemed like a pleasant enough store but the sheer size of it overwhelmed me a bit.  I wouldn’t have worn my nylon socks if I knew I would be doing this much walking.

    After wandering for a half hour or so I made it through the greeting area and headed for the sign marked “beauty care.”  I was in need of some cold cream and deodorant.  I have never been to reliant on perfumes or anti-perspirants in the past but our resident advisor issued a notice that all resident need to use scented under arm care products as of the first of the month.  I am on my 3rd notice so I decided that I would just buy something that smelled nice and be done with it. 

   The deodorant section wasn’t easy to find at first but a young many in a burnt amber vest directed me to a long isle that was as colorful as my favorite holiday sweater.  Every color imaginable and almost as many brand names.  I was alarmed to discover that all of them appeared to have different smells too.  I called over the young fella to help me out and that’s when the horror began. 

   He began to read of names like “Arctic Ice Crystal Blast, Powder Blast with Molten Lava Fusion Crystals, Titanium Clean Extreme Raw, Magma Fresh With AmourPiercing Floral Bullets, Mercury Scent Insanity 2, Scent Of Leather Berry With Almond Roca Gel, Atomic Blast Boquet and Original Scent”  Then he noticed they were out of original scent.  Although there was nearly 700 scents to choose from I was more intimidated by the idea that people had apparently evolved to become extremely stinky.   What happened to Powder?  Fresh? Clean?  Unscented?  They have all been transformed and blended with the forces of nature to become Frankendeodorants. 

   It seems to me that if our scientists spent half as much time on cures for disease as they do on new antiperspirants we would be living in a better world.  A healthier world.  One that already smells like fresh powder.  With normal scented people fusion.  At least that’s what I plan on telling my resident advisor.  I may have walked away without deodorant but I feel lucky have escapedwith my life and arm pits in tact.  Besides, I hate to break a 2 dollar bill on meaningless purchases like Ocean Burst Advanced with Barnacle Mist Crystals.

  

OMG! I am so sick of hearing about the Olympics!  So like what’s the big deal anyways?  I heard they’re in China and all but I guess I don’t really get the excitement.  Although friend says they have some of the best Chinese food on the planet.  It’s like “oh wow, you ran really fast!”  I feel like mass of the Olympic sports aren’t even fun.  Long Jumping?  Javelining?  Fencinging?  Those are so lame.  Like, NO THANKS!  They should make the Olympics about sports and stuff that we all like to do.  

My friend is like the fastest ever on finding suff on the internet.  One time I was like “I wish I could find a decent spa to get a  vichy detox wrap at” and he was like “I’ll google it.”  In like 10 seconds he found a spa that was like perfect.  He can always find stuff online super fast.  I told him that he’s “the fastest googler on the planet.”  I bet he is.  That would be a fun Olympic sport to watch.  I also have a girlfriend who can fall alseep in like 30 seconds.  Even at a loud nightclub.  They should have a competition where people are hooked up to like electro machines that can tell who falls asleep the fastest.  It would be so cool because you would be like super lazy and an athlete at the same time.

I also think that the sports should be more like the stuff we grew up learning. Soak em, freeze tag, scarf juggling and stuff like that.  Maybe even dress up games.  It could be fun to have like all the countries compete it best dress up.  Americans could have like flowing dresses and stuff and other countries like South Africa, such as, could wear like other stuff that they think is pretty.

I’m just saying that all of this hype around the Olympics is sorta annoying because even my magazines are wasting time talking about the athletes and not what Brangelina’s nursery looks like.  I can celebrate best barista in the world or even like the hottest hand bag designer but Taekwondoing eachother is like lame.

Posted by:

Ira Tating

Comic Wonder Sr VP of Fashion and Author of “So…like…Whatevs: 2nd Edition”

It’s terribly trite to say, I know, but humor and laughter are truly … global. Take, for instance, the three months I spent teaching Engrish, er, English, in South Korea. Not many English speakers in Korea, I tell you. And the Koreans that can speak English often have indecipherable accents. But that’s where humor can save the day. What better way to break the ice and language barrier than by pantomiming and cracking up your interlocutors?

Teaching English to children provided me numerous opportunities to make them laugh—and I took advantage of every one of them. And I’m pretty sure they laughed at my jokes rather than simply laughing at me because to them I was some hairy Caucasian with curly hair. In fact, I have proof:

Happy Birthday Zak- look at this card!!

Happy

Hi Zack teacher? My name is Eun-Jung Jang. My class name is 6-5. Your class is too funny and interesting and I miss your class becays your class is funny. I’m exciting to your class. Nice to meet you! Don’t you think?? However, I wrote this card for you because Today is your Birthday!

See, Eun-Jung Jang said my class was funny—twice! What more proof do you need?

Of course, the laughing wasn’t a one way street. The Koreans made me laugh often as well, although usually at their hilariously mangled English. Check out these other birthday cards. You can’t make this stuff up. This one was from Mrs. Chung, a really outgoing teacher at the school:

Happy Birthday Jackary! (I had to give up correcting people and simply resigned myself to being called “Jack” or “Jackery.”) You know that most of Korean people believe in what Buddhist says. According to them, it must be an act of Karma that you teach Korean students. I hope that you love Korea and Korean people. Also, I hope that you have very nice time in Seoul. Happy Birthday to you!! From: Chung.

I really liked Mrs. Chung. She was always smiling and very outgoing.

And here are some other cards from students:

Hello Zack

I’m Ho-Jin Happy birthday to you. Maybe you are happy now, and you have many present. I speak English very small. You are best teacher. You are top! Please, -Ho-Jin-

Hello Zack!

It’s Yea Na from 6-5. Happy Birthday Zack. I wish you could like this card. You are nice teacher. I don’t have gift for you, but this card. Have a nice day.

To Zack teacher.

Ha~~i = Hi, I”m Lee-Ye-Chan. Happy birthday Zack. When I meet I was very happy because before you came I thought “if English teacher is foreign then I’m very happy. But it just my wish?” But, you came and I said Hot Dog!!! (When we were learning about foods I taught them that “hot dog” was a food and an expression.) Happy birthday to you ~ Happy birthday to you ~ lovely Zack (is it right?) Happy birthday to you ~. Self Introduce: I’m Lee-Ye-Chan. My family name is Lee. I have one sister. My hobby is play computer games. I can speak English just little so I want learn English to you a lot. Happy Birth day (next page) I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS LETTER AND KOREA

HI Jack,

My name is Lee-Jae-Won. Congregation your birthday. I think thunk your study

Thank you.

from Jae-Won

Dear Jack,

Hello. I’m Il-in Choi in Six grade. Happy Birthday! I think you’re unhappy because you had birthday in other country. First, I’m sorry to you because I can’t give you presents. Last, Happy Birthday -From Il-In Choi

Hellow teacher …

I’m a Taehwan. My English is very bad so I hate English and English is hard. One year ago I’m going English academy Middle score is better I going high school. Bye bye.

-Congraturation your birthday from Taehwan.

Anyway, when I wasn’t teaching English or spending time with my host family, I could be found at the gym. There, I met “Golf Girl”—a cute young lady who taught golf in the indoor golfing place located in the same building as the gym. The guy who worked at the gym spoke passable English. One day he told me she liked me. I wrote her a note asking her out to dinner and he translated it. She agreed.

Now I had a date with a girl I couldn’t communicate with. No fears—before the date I made sure to grab my Korean “mom’s” electronic dictionary, pad of paper and a pen. Between pantomiming, using the dictionary and drawing pictures, we were able to have a nice dinner date.

After a few beers and some soju we both started loosening up. I thought Golf Girl gave me a knowing look, so I tried to ask her if she wanted to get a room (many Koreans rent private rooms because most unmarried Koreans live with their parents). She didn’t understand. I tried pantomiming. Still, nothing. Finally, I drew pictures of male and female genitalia next to two stick figures making love.

A moment later I learned that getting slapped in the face by a Korean girl feels just like getting slapped by an American girl. I also learned that taking offense at untoward sexual advances is just as universal as humor and laughing.

(Full disclosure: I did go out on a date with a pretty Korean girl named Seung-ee, whom I nicknamed Golf Girl. We did enjoy a nice dinner and we did drink copious amounts of alcohol. However, I was the perfect gentleman and did not make unwanted advances.)

  

My husband and I are heading out on a getaway weekend in Las Vegas soon to sunbath at the pool, sip afternoon cocktails, see a show or two, and basically revel in each others company and have some Vegas fun! I am counting the days until I can find myself sitting on that plane (without my laptop)! I am surprised to write that what happens in Vegas, must really stay there. When I went to see what crazy info I could find on Vegas travel stories - it was all rather uneventful; or completely predictable = boring.

Anyway, this trip got me to thinking of the traveling I’ve done that has gone horribly awry and left me running through airports, riding a bus home instead of a plane, and even arriving at our hotel and finding it offered its rooms by the hour (I’m sure you can imagine how lovely of a place that was). Not to mention when our hotel room got robbed when we were at the pool, how can I forget that one! Those problems are no joke, traveling can be rough and we all have our sob stories. Hopefully the trip was worth it and eventually you can have a good laugh and prepare for your next travel excursion.
I came across this great post on strangeplaces.net of conversations that took place between travelers and travel agents - it’s quite unbelievable really. Here are my favorites:

• A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?

• A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”

• I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said, “But, they look so close on the map.”

• A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No,why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I “looked into it” (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

• I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. “Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response … click.