Congratulations! You started a blog. Here are 5 tips to maintaining a successful web log.

1. Go back in time to the moment before you decided to start a blog. Instead of starting a blog, volunteer somewhere. You have just made the world a much better place.

2. No words. Just pictures of boobs.

3. Instead of writing introspectively about your own experiences, dedicate your blog to writing superficially about someone else. For starters, you’re guaranteed the person you chose to write about will read your blog religiously. But also, everyone who knows that person will probably read it as well. People hate to read, but when they do, they’d rather read gossip than your thoughts on the Presidential race .

4. Write your blog with the syntactical abilities of your seventh grade self. Remember that time in your life when you thought you were going to be a novelist and that you were already at the linguistic ability to pull it off? The overreaching complex sentences and vocabulary you didn’t quite understand? Yeah that. Why do this? Just trust me on this one.

5. Combine number 3 and 4. Write a blog about another person from your seventh grade self.

I decided to start a blog using tip number 5. Here’s the first submission:

When you start a new blog or profile, picking that knockout profile picture is no doubt one of the most important elements! Do you see my profile picture? (Enlarged below.) I picked one where I was laughing and shrugging my shoulders. This can convey to people that laughing is an important facet of your personality. Your profile picture can also convey to people whether or not you are bearded, or have been bearded in the past…

I want to talk about another person’s profile picture. My friend Paul’s. He picked a posed shot with his cat. I was actually with him when he made the choice and had some influence over the decision. You may think that Paul is trying to convey that he is a cat person. But actually it’s sort of a joke!

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post where I’ll explain the joke…

CLIFFHANGER!!!

5. Raggedy Ann and Andy

Along with the enormous, easily angered mass of self-consuming greed, Raggedy Ann and Andy also featured such child-friendly characters as Sir Leonard Looney, the deranged knight who comes off as a murderously flamboyant vaudevillian dog-hybrid on crystal meth.

 

4. Cloak and Dagger

A young boy’s failure to cope with a dead mother and a negligent father has led to hallucinatory psychosis. Now he is being hunted by murderers. It’s Hitchcock for kids!

3. Never Ending Story

Artax. Swamp of Sadness. Let’s not relive it.

But here it is:

 

2. Labyrinth

Being chased through a maze of infinite staircases by an omnipresent David Bowie in tights? Nightmare. Add Jim Henson? Kid’s movie.

1. The Dark Crystal

Seriously, did Henson secretly hate kids? Why was I even allowed to watch this?

We’ve all been at a party where everyone is playing drinking games. But you feel like you don’t fit in because you love cocaine. Here are some great alternatives to make sure you can still hang out with your friends and not have to abandon your cocaine habit.

1.  Cocaine Pong
Beer Pong is a great party game that allows people to compete against one another by throwing ping pong balls into cups full of beer and forcing their competitors to drink them. Simply empty out the beer and replace them with grams of raw cocaine. Start playing and enjoy!

2.  Hundred Dollar Bills
The game Quarters involves bouncing quarters into a cup and if successful making others drink beer.  For our new game we’ll try to bounce 100 dollar bills into a glass.  If successful you can use that same dollar to snort up cocaine.  Also, if unsuccessful, just go ahead and have at that cocaine anyway.

3.  Snort
A classic drinking game called Drink calls for participants to drink whenever someone says a certain key word.  For our version every time someone such as a parent or sibling says something that depresses you or undercuts your self esteem, go into the bathroom and do a snort of cocaine.

4.  Cocaine Pong 2
An upgraded version of the new classic.  The game is the same, the only difference is instead of cocaine you’re now hooked on heroine.

5.  Party Ender Bender
The great drinking game where you crumble drunken, screaming onto the floor while vomiting and telling everyone to get out of your apartment. Instead of being drunk, you’re just high on whatever drug you’re on now. The game is usually played right before one checks himself into rehab.

As the Olympic basketball tournament enters its elimination round, fans have one question: can USA Basketball take home the gold? With a team of world-class athletes from the country that invented the sport, they should dominate the competition like China dominates its ethnic minorities, but they didn’t even medal four years ago. It turns out FIBA (which stands for International Basketball, somehow) is a much different game than the NBA. The 5 main differences:

1. The FIBA rulebook ignores NBA Rule 585.67B: ” If Lebron James charges into the lane, cradling the basketball in his arms, and dunks the ball while knocking down an opposing player trying to get out of the way, the opposing player will be charged with a foul.”

2. Teams are allowed to play five white guys at the same time.

3. Uniform numbers are metric, forcing Kobe to wear number 21.94.

4.International referees are completely corrupt. While this is also true of NBA refs, the FIBA refs are controlled by the European Mafia—bribing them is a complex process that can take months, involve dozens of intermediaries, and require sending seven boiled lobsters to the Prime Minister of Andorra.

5. The 3-point line is three feet closer. Seriously, this is extremely important.