The results are in!!! Because we can’t afford to fly you all in and rent out a majestic theater for an awards ceremony, we’ll just rely on your imagination.

Imagine a vast stage with twinkling lights and flowing silk curtains. An orchestra pit is filled with brass horns and a string section that started to build. The music swells and the announcer comes over the speakers saying “Ladies and gentleman…welcome to Comic Wonders Lawyer Joke Contest Awards…and now…please welcome (insert relevant and likable host here)!”

The audience (you) are applauding and the pyrotechnics go off with only minimal issues. One curtain is set on fire but crews rush to put it out and ultimately it’s edited out of the television replay anyhow. It smells of burnt silk but that only adds to the charm. The host says some funny things and makes just enough charming references to endear the audience. Your eating out of his or her palm.

“And now…the nominees for this years Comic Wonder Lawyer Joke contest.” The screen show several names and cleverly titled jokes. Some of the joke tellers are shown, most of which realize they are on camera and only one looks very drunk and bitter. “In second place…the winner of $100 dollars and a place in Comic Wonder history…is…going to be announced after the commercial break!”

The audience is in total suspense and a bit irritated. After 6 minutes the orchestra starts up again and the announcer says “Welcome back to Comic Wonders Lawyer Joke Contest Awards!” The host comes back on stage in a new outfit and has a new hair style. “Welcome back, before the break we were ready to announce the second place winner in this years Lawyer joke contest. We had tons of great submission and even a bunch of really lame ones…” The audience (you) all laugh and are charmed by the hosts honesty. “…and now…the 2nd place winner who will walk away with $100 bucks and our admiration…Joe Elstner for ‘Sell Your Soul!’!”

The audience (you) erupts and the music swells. The camera shows Joe and his family. One of his family members also appears to be very drunk. Joe comes to the stage and tells a great story about the joke and the day he told it. He goes on for far too long though and the orchestra starts playing that “okay, enough already dude!” music that hints to him that we are out of time and to shut up. He doesn’t and it gets weird. Ultimately the part where the security drags him off stage is edited out of the TV replay.

“An now we would like to honor the cream of the crop. The winner of this years Comic Wonder Lawyer Joke contest. The content…delivery and overall laugh factor made this a unanimous decision for our judges. The winner of $200 bucks and top honors in the Comic Wonder records library (doesn’t actually exist but it sounds good on TV…ultimately that reference is edited out of the TV replay though)…is…non other than xxxgamermonkey for ‘Frank the Lawyer!’!”

The audience erupts and confetti shoots from the stage. A few cannons don’t go off and ultimately that part is edited out of the TV replay. xxxgamermonkey isn’t in attendance so the host says “xxxgamermonkey and family couldn’t be here tonight so we accept this in their honor!” The music swells and and camera shows that most of the audience is already headed for the doors. It appears we have lots of bitter losers. The host makes some funny remarks and closes the show with a musical number that features a 42 piece marching band and several dozen dancers from many different countries from around the world. It’s powerful and and touching in many different cultures. Ultimately it’s edited out of the TV replay because of time constraints. The TV replay isn’t well received because of so many content edits and the decision to not televise the awards again next year is made. Ironic, eh?

Congratulations to our winners and thanks to all of you who shared great jokes simply because you knew one that just deserved to be told. That is why were are here and we are not here without you. Keep it up Comic Wonders!

Submitted by:
Rich Enlove, VP of TV replay editing and Author of Great Moments You Never Saw: Edited edition”

There are certain celebrities that can get away with just about anything and still keep their street cred.  Alec Baldwin is one of those stars who can turn lemons in to lemon spritzers.  2007 was a year Alec would soon like to forget.  His well-publicized battle with his ex-wife and daughter made news world-wide.  The threatening voicemail he left for his 12-year-old daughter became thing of legend.  Even Pat O’Brien was jealous how much poor judgement Alec could use on the phone.  The difference is that Alec has the seductive voice to pull it off.  Listening to his call sorta made me want to buy an expensive foreign car.  It was unintentional but his voice is just that commanding.

   2008 was another story for Alec, with 30 Rock skyrocketing and his first Emmy win.  It’s a brave new world for Alec where he will have his pick of roles and money to burn. You can deny that Alec is a “great actor” but you can’t deny his vocal chords are made of spun gold.  PURE, Rumpelstiltskin spun gold!  How good is he?  He was able to take a script of ordinary plumbing references and cause massive eargasms around the world for his performance in the Liquid Plumber Foaming Pipe Snake commercial(A reason not to fast forward through commercial breaks!).  Few people on this earth have enough presence to command total awe over something so gross.  He had me daydreaming about riding on the back of the mystical foaming pipe snake as we whirled around my plugged up toilet bowl.  Alec Baldwin is that good.

   Because Alec was able to make Liquid Plumber “hip” (essentially a fluid based turd-buster) I wonder if other advertisers will take those hard to market items and utilize other fascinating celebrities.  Christopher Walken could surely make Cream of Wheat sexy?  I could probably be convinced that I needed a new cheese shredder if Clint Howard said so.  Especially if his brother directed the commercial!  It terrifies me to think of what most of us wouldn’t do for a David Archuleta endorsed ziplock bag?

I’m proud to say that I’m a survivor.  I’ve seen a lot in my 86 years but yesterdays visit to Wallsave was a terrifying experience.  I live in an assisted thriving community now called the Eternityshire Estates.  Our shuttle takes residents in to the city twice a week.  I decided it was time to stock up on Dinty Moore beef stew and such so I packed my hip wallet with my money and meds. 

   When we arrived at our drop off I was a bit confused to see that my old trustee Pay-n-Prosper had been torn down and replaced with a new gigantic building called “Wallsave: Santa Fe”  Apparently it’s like the other Wallsaves around the country with a bit of Santa Fe flare.  I noticed the food court was painted like the desert.  Even the security fellow had an embroidered badge patch in the shape of a cactus.  It seemed like a pleasant enough store but the sheer size of it overwhelmed me a bit.  I wouldn’t have worn my nylon socks if I knew I would be doing this much walking.

    After wandering for a half hour or so I made it through the greeting area and headed for the sign marked “beauty care.”  I was in need of some cold cream and deodorant.  I have never been to reliant on perfumes or anti-perspirants in the past but our resident advisor issued a notice that all resident need to use scented under arm care products as of the first of the month.  I am on my 3rd notice so I decided that I would just buy something that smelled nice and be done with it. 

   The deodorant section wasn’t easy to find at first but a young many in a burnt amber vest directed me to a long isle that was as colorful as my favorite holiday sweater.  Every color imaginable and almost as many brand names.  I was alarmed to discover that all of them appeared to have different smells too.  I called over the young fella to help me out and that’s when the horror began. 

   He began to read of names like “Arctic Ice Crystal Blast, Powder Blast with Molten Lava Fusion Crystals, Titanium Clean Extreme Raw, Magma Fresh With AmourPiercing Floral Bullets, Mercury Scent Insanity 2, Scent Of Leather Berry With Almond Roca Gel, Atomic Blast Boquet and Original Scent”  Then he noticed they were out of original scent.  Although there was nearly 700 scents to choose from I was more intimidated by the idea that people had apparently evolved to become extremely stinky.   What happened to Powder?  Fresh? Clean?  Unscented?  They have all been transformed and blended with the forces of nature to become Frankendeodorants. 

   It seems to me that if our scientists spent half as much time on cures for disease as they do on new antiperspirants we would be living in a better world.  A healthier world.  One that already smells like fresh powder.  With normal scented people fusion.  At least that’s what I plan on telling my resident advisor.  I may have walked away without deodorant but I feel lucky have escapedwith my life and arm pits in tact.  Besides, I hate to break a 2 dollar bill on meaningless purchases like Ocean Burst Advanced with Barnacle Mist Crystals.

It’s super annoying when parents and other old people mistake our hair styles for “just rolling out of bed.” Yeah, it looks this rad by just sleeping on it…NOT! Try several cans of Mega Hold Hair Spray! Not to mention a regular trip to the drug store for some green dye. Or whatever color is currently the most shocking. On any given day we have nearly a dozen products in our hair and we’re tired of the old fart generation refusing to get it.

We don’t want them to accept us. Just don’t confuse our intentionally messy hair for not having combed it at all. It’s NOT BEDHEAD! Although we use that too. The art of getting you hair to look like you didn’t even touch it is getting tougher all the time. The slighted misplaced cowlick can blow the entire statement. Retro can mistaken for Lazy if you’re not careful. Celebrities often get it all wrong.

Because we are in a band we know that image is everything. We don’t just play songs, we scream them. We haven’t ever played our guitars. We WAIL THEM!!! If we had some $9.99 Super Craftmaster Plus cuts we would confuse our audience. Our messages would be lost. Although we don’t have any written lyrics our statement is always clear. “We are rebelling!” At least two weekends a month. None of us have cars so we need to bum rides to gigs or borrow Larry’s step-dads van. He is super paranoid that we will get eyeliner on his seats so sometimes we don’t even bother asking him and just take the bus. Just because our parents live in one of the richest areas in town doesn’t mean we don’t roll public transit. It’s one of the only places where we feel truly at home. You’ll find our gum on most of the back seats. it’s a point of pride.

The important thing is that when we show up at a show ready to thrash, our hair looks like we’re headliners. It’s so perfectly manicured that you would assume we’re either homeless or supernatural. Or somewhere in between. The crowd notices the effort and they respect it. They bob their head to our distorted tunes while our elders shake their head in disappointment. Our parents and other lame old people think we are leaving the house “looking like wrecks.” Yeah, a twisted wreck of GothRock, Rad Hair and and Rebellion! The good news is that Summer is winding down and the windy Fall weather is really great for inspiring new in your face hair trends.

We’ll try to write again soon but we’re all leaving on a family trip to Orlando. We’ve agreed to go to Disney world but I guarantee we’ll get kicked off the Tea Cups.

Posted By:

Goth For Gigs

(If you are interested in booking us, go to H-E double hockey sticks! We don’t deal with fascist capitalists!)

Comic Wonder, together with McVay Media and the National Association of Broadcasters (NAB), is searching for the funniest personality on the planet. If you’re trying to get noticed in the radio industry this contest is for you!

The process is easy - if you’re a radio personality and you think you’re funny - simply visit www.radioscomicwonder.com before August 31, 2008 and tell your best joke. Visitors to the site vote on who they deem radio’s funniest.

“The best radio shows are the ones that make people laugh,” notes Daniel Anstandig, President of McVay New Media. “Finding and identifying top radio talent continues to be a top priority. We believe that this contest can help some great talent get the attention they deserve.”

Comic Wonder will announce the winner at the NAB Radio Show in Austin, Texas on September 18th where a spotlight video of the winner’s radio background and comedic talent will be featured to a room of radio executives and fellow radio personalities. Beyond recognition, Radio’s Comic Wonder will walk away with:

• A giant, mantle worthy trophy
• $1,000 cold, hard cash
• Airfare and accomodations to the NAB Radio Show

Visit www.radioscomicwonder.com to begin!

I’m taking a break from working out to award “benroach90” as the Comic Wonder of the Week. His joke “MD Penis Theft” was a hit at the gym where I work out. 7 days a week.

In addition to the cash prize and fame that comes with being this week’s winner, Benro (I don’t have time to write out his full name - although I realize that typing out this disclaimer probably took up more time) is also in the running to become Comic Wonder of the Year! Think of the fame that comes with a title like that!

It’s like when I won the Southern Regional Intermediate Peck Deck Power lifting title at Shrugfest 97′. I couldn’t walk into a supplement store without some tight shirted employee falling all over themselves to get my technique tips. I haven’t paid for my stretch mark body butter ever since. Just helping you to understand what winning the Comic Wonder title could be like.

Keep the jokes coming and remember to stay hydrated. I don’t want any of you cramping up during a punch line.

Hughe Mongis
Comic Wonder Fitness Consultant & author of “The spiritual guide to effective bar bouncing.”

This week’s The New Yorker magazine cover depicting Barack Obama and his wife, Michelle, has caused quite the stir. Regardless of your stance on the satirical cartoon, the question has been raised…are there any good jokes out there about Barack Obama that we can all deem funny?

Today’s New York Times article by Bill Carter posed reasons why we’re not making fun of the Democratic presidential nominee, “The reason cited by most of those involved in the shows [late night talk shows] is that a fundamental factor is so far missing in Mr. Obama: There is no comedic “take” on him, nothing easy to turn to for an easy laugh, like allegations of Bill Clinton’s womanizing, or President Bush’s goofy bumbling or Al Gore’s robotic persona.”

And, of course, there are jokes about John McCain, which are about as old as his age.

So, we know why. The question remains what are we going to do about this lack of Obama humor?

Comic Wonder would like to challenge you to perform your best Obama joke on our site. It is the perfect forum to try out your Obama jokes and see how they land. If our audience doesn’t like them - they will tell you!

Who knows, perhaps Obama will jump online and tell a joke about himself - thus, not only proving his sense of humor, but beating all the timid comedians to the punch.

I have a confession.  I read articles just for the comments. I wasn’t always this superficial, but alas this is the person I have become.

My mind boggles at the simple fact that millions of us find time each day to comment on some poor person’s post. Although the vast majority of comments fall into the simple”like it or lump it” variety, an occasional comment demonstrates the mark of inspired genius.  I live for that moment of discovery.  And evidently, I’m not alone.

For those of us addicted to funny comments, we spend countless hours on YouTube reading and commenting on the comments without ever watching the video.  When we find that brilliant comment, we celebrate the victory by quickly forwarding it to all our friends.

In that spirit, I must share. The following funny comment was posted on Craigslist last year.  The post was in response to a young woman’s (25) blatant attempt to find her sugar daddy. The fact that someone took the time to pen such a perfect e-epistle gives me hope for humanity.

So, without any further ado, here is: “What am I doing wrong?”

With all that is weighing on the mind of the average American — from the war to an unstable economy, few could argue that what we need is a good laugh. Unfortunately, the one day each year dedicated to humor — April Fools’ Day — has become such a theatrical production that most ignore it altogether. Thankfully, Comic Wonder offers just what we need to get back to what April Fools is really about.

Instead of figuring out how to reassemble a car inside your boss’ office or mock-up divorce papers in Photoshop, Comic Wonder is delivering all that is needed to get people laughing this April Fools’ Day and it doesn’t require elaborate schemes or plots. Comic Wonder suggests we get back to the roots of April Fools’ Day and simply tell a good joke.

“The magic behind good humor, whether a complicated prank or just a good joke, is the element of surprise,” said Mark Metcalf, Head of Humor for Comic Wonder. “When it comes to joke telling, there’s an art to ensuring you hook your audience enough to surprise them at the end.” Metcalf is best known for his roles as Neidermeyer in Animal House and as “The Maestro” on Seinfeld.

Chris “Captainhilariousness” Cashman, agrees that one of the most important elements of good joke telling is the art of “fooling” people. “The best way to catch someone off guard is to turn a joke into a believable story,” said Cashman, a Seattle native who was voted the 2007 Comic Wonder of the Year. “I often take a joke I’ve read or heard and turn it into a personal anecdote. That way when you get to the punch line, it hits them right between the eyes. That’s the surprise I’m looking for. It’s more effective than a tired whoopee cushion or the painful ‘A guy walks into a bar’ routine.”

Cashman suggests inserting yourself, a friend, or relative into the narrative, as he did with his award-winning joke titled “Puzzled Sister.” The personalized story recounts one fateful evening when Cashman’s ditzy sister suggested an alternative activity — assembling a puzzle — to replace their weekly movie night.

To help those desperately seeking funny and surprising jokes, Cashman offers five tips to make this April Fools’ Day a success.

1. Choose Your Material Carefully

There are plenty of text jokes waiting to be brought to life by a joke-teller. Visit your inbox, Google or check out Comic Wonder’s “Joke Limbo” area to find material to work with. If you really want to fool someone, create a story that they can start to believe. If you don’t have a boat, don’t start with “I was hanging out on my yacht with the Pope … ” as this will immediately tip off the victim. And, finally, does the material have a good opportunity for a great surprise twist at the end?

2. Personalize/Localize

Instead of the obvious, “A guy walks into a bar … ” customize it to, “Last weekend, my buddies and I stopped by Chasers for a drink after the game … ” If the joke is about the debacle or debauchery of one of our fine elected public servants, localize it by using the name of a well-known local politician.

3. Transform the “Joke” into a Believable Story

Details can transform a funny “joke” into a memorable story. Use situations and details that people know. Get them nodding their head in agreement while the story unfolds. Elaborate. Instead of, “I was in an accident recently.” Try, “You’re not going to believe this. I had a car accident the other day — on the corner of Fifth St. and Main — you know that really busy intersection ….”

4. Develop Characters

Elevate your joke-telling performance by becoming the characters. Avoid the “he said, she said, and they replied” type dialogue. That won’t cut it. Develop a character voice that fits each person in the story. Now you’re acting out the dialogue instead of reading it like a newspaper story. Instead of saying “my wife was really angry with me,” act out exactly how angry your wife was using a caricature of her voice. (You may not want to use this method if you are telling the joke to your wife.)

5. Learn from Listening

Build your joke-telling skills by listening to good joke performances. This allows you to fine-tune the performance and the material. Comic Wonder has tons of categorized audio joke performances to learn from and laugh at. You don’t have to copy someone else’s style, but you can learn from, improve it and build your own joke-telling repertoire.

Professional athletes are, by virtue of their trade, good at sports. Most of them can rightfully be called “super-humans” in terms of raw physical ability; they can run faster, jump higher, and hit harder than most of us could ever imagine. If you’re an armchair quarterback and often find yourself thinking “I could do that if I really wanted to” as you watch the professionals play football on Sundays, you need only reference SpikeTV’s “Pros vs. Joes” (current season’s episodes air at 11pm Eastern Time), in which amateur athletes are matched up against the likes of Hall of Famers Jerry Rice and Bo Jackson in various competitions that simulate pro football. It’s kind of like American Gladiators, if you stripped AG of its professional wrestling theatrics (goofy nicknames, even goofier outfits) and replaced the gladiators with real athletes and not just muscle-bound steroid freaks. On the whole, the “Challengers” on American Gladiators—the amateurs, that is—tend to fare much better than the “Joes” on “Pros vs. Joes.” That is to say: the Joes usually get the shit kicked out of them.

As it turns out, most of us regular Joes—no matter how dutifully we work out—can’t hang with the Pros for more than a step or two, if that.

Unfortunately, a professional athlete’s ability often bears no correlation to his mental ability. Many pro athletes are as dumb as they are good—or even dumber if you’ve followed the headlines in the past year. There are various schools of thought when it comes to this—too much money, too much attention—but to me, it all comes down to this: one’s ability to avoid would-be tacklers while running with an oval-shaped sphere invariably says nothing of one’s ability to avoid drunkenly speeding in a Ferrari or slapping hookers. Granted, being smarter can make you a better football player, but being a better football player cannot make you smarter.

I can live with that. Pro athletes didn’t sign-up to be role-models or NASA engineers; they just signed-up to play and make millions of dollars (and slap hookers, depending on who you ask). But what I can’t stand is when professional athletes lose all sense of perspective, when forget that they’re “playing a child’s game for a king’s ransom” in the words of former NFL star WarrenSapp, and start acting like whiny turds. Which brings me to the following clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zc11PUnFgkQ.

As you just saw, this clip shows Milwaukee Bucks center Andrew Bogut high-fiving himself after making a free throw. “Is this simply an act of lunacy?” you ask. “Is this just more evidence to support the hypothesis that being born in war-torn Croatia and raised in whacky Australia will inevitably lead to an irreconcilable inner battle of Nature vs. Nurture?” No. It’s just that usually when a Bucks player makes a free throw, all of his surrounding teammates high-five him. It’s customary. But in this case, Mr. Bogut has to perform an act of congratulatory masturbation because the rest of his teammates are too busy wallowing in the depths of a another miserable loss in a long, miserable season.

This clip is funny, but it is NOT laughable. Bogut’s teammates should be ashamed of themselves. It’s okay to lose; in fact, 50% of all pro athletes are losers after any given match. But it’s not okay to lose like a Soviet athlete that must return to his Communist country bound for a life of hardship and disgrace, when in reality you’ll be returning to your Mercedes Benz coupe that has tires worth more than most of us regular Joes make in several months.

I think those turd-like Bucks players should be featured on a new show on Spike TV (that I just came up with): “From Pros to Joes.” Yeah! Try blogging for a comedy Website for a living, Mr. NBA All-Star. We’ll see how much you appreciate your little game then!