There are certain celebrities that can get away with just about anything and still keep their street cred.  Alec Baldwin is one of those stars who can turn lemons in to lemon spritzers.  2007 was a year Alec would soon like to forget.  His well-publicized battle with his ex-wife and daughter made news world-wide.  The threatening voicemail he left for his 12-year-old daughter became thing of legend.  Even Pat O’Brien was jealous how much poor judgement Alec could use on the phone.  The difference is that Alec has the seductive voice to pull it off.  Listening to his call sorta made me want to buy an expensive foreign car.  It was unintentional but his voice is just that commanding.

   2008 was another story for Alec, with 30 Rock skyrocketing and his first Emmy win.  It’s a brave new world for Alec where he will have his pick of roles and money to burn. You can deny that Alec is a “great actor” but you can’t deny his vocal chords are made of spun gold.  PURE, Rumpelstiltskin spun gold!  How good is he?  He was able to take a script of ordinary plumbing references and cause massive eargasms around the world for his performance in the Liquid Plumber Foaming Pipe Snake commercial(A reason not to fast forward through commercial breaks!).  Few people on this earth have enough presence to command total awe over something so gross.  He had me daydreaming about riding on the back of the mystical foaming pipe snake as we whirled around my plugged up toilet bowl.  Alec Baldwin is that good.

   Because Alec was able to make Liquid Plumber “hip” (essentially a fluid based turd-buster) I wonder if other advertisers will take those hard to market items and utilize other fascinating celebrities.  Christopher Walken could surely make Cream of Wheat sexy?  I could probably be convinced that I needed a new cheese shredder if Clint Howard said so.  Especially if his brother directed the commercial!  It terrifies me to think of what most of us wouldn’t do for a David Archuleta endorsed ziplock bag?

Gas is expensive. It’s getting more so all the time. Mass transit is becoming overloaded with passengers forced to leave their vehicles at home. Fortunately they have that option. Certain professions rely on driving vehicles and perhaps none is more so affected than drive-by criminals. Comic Wonder secured an exclusive interview with an area man who is notorious for his prompt and accountability in the drive by crime sector.

Gat Brandish is a 25 year old who has built a reputation for being the best at what he does. Drive-bys. “It’s not all shooting guns and stuff…it’s also about Molotov cocktails and even like yelling bad stuff at people who you hate.” Gat looked sentimental when he spoke about “the like, olden days and stuff.” “I remember when I could jack some mark for like $30 bucks or whatever and that would fill up my Caprice with gas and leave me extra money for like other stuff. Now I need to beat a dude for like $80 duckets just to fill up my tank. Then I got to find another dude to gank beer money from.” Gat is not alone. In fact, several other area criminals contacted us with similar complaints. Sir Cutz-a-lot is a regionally famous tire slasher who says that due to increasing fuel costs his days of “rolling dirty” are behind him. “I tried taking the downtown bus to the Eastside to get a buster who stepped to me one time but the ride was like 45 minutes and I had to sit next to some dude who stank.”

It’s easy to complain about the price of fuel these days but for most of us it’s merely an inconvenience. For likeable criminals like Gat and Cutz it has become a paralyzing reality that is forcing them in to early retirement. Gat recently considered an opportunity to “roll on some trick” until he learned that it was a nearly 26 mile drive. “I had to duck that one because it’s like mad expensive when you’re rolling on duece dueces.” Gat is referring the popular auto customization of adding larger wheels and thinner tires to vehicles. His 22 inch rims are much larger than the Caprices factory designed rims. An LA Times report stated that “An estimated 20% of your fuel goes to overcoming rolling resistance from tires. The larger the tire, the more rolling resistance.” “I’ve been steady mobbing in that ride for so long I know how to translate the gauges and stuff. If it says like 70, I know I’m doing more like 58.” This is just another example of how high gasoline prices are pimp slapping hoods like Gat.

In a cruel twist of fate, Crime Stoppers recently announced that tips leading to the capture and arrest of wanted criminals you will be rewarded with a $250 gas card. “So like, I gotta chirp on one of my homeys in order to get the snaps for petro?” Gat and others are now finding themselves among the hunters and the hunted.

The next time you are filling up your Neon with $75 dollars in fuel think of those who have it even worse. I think there’s a little Gat in all of us. Since we completed this interview with Gat and Cutz, a man know as “Eddie Machete“, who claims a different set of values, turned in Gat to Police. He was rewarded with a $250 dollar gas card. ” I don’t even have a car so I’ll probably just spend it on Bugles and Combos and stuff like that in their deli.”

I nearly lost my teeth laughing at this week’s winning joke, “Breakfast at the White House,” as told by Skez63. Ironically, I don’t even wear dentures. I laughed that hard. Once again Skez63 is the big man on campus and will live out another week knowing that he is the best. He’s the kind of guy I would want to take the Sadie Hawkins dance. There’s a saying “make a woman laugh and you’re halfway in to her heart.” I would like to add “if you make a woman laugh so hard she pee’s a little…well…then she’s marriage material.”

Skez63 seems to be a genuine charmer and he’s clearly in the running for Comic Wonder of the Year. In addition to the cash and other prizes, I’m in discussion with the Comic Wonder International Prize Patrol to possibly include an assortment of things from my basement. I’ve got tons of old shoes that the kids hardly ever wore and a great deal of old vases that I don’t have much use for. I’ll work on my prize pack and all of you continue working on your jokes.

With the elections approaching I think it’s a good time to follow Skez63’s lead and try to find the best political jokes you can find. I haven’t voted since Herbert Hoover (1929-33) but I try to keep up on the names. I think that Borat fella has a pretty good chance. So find your best jokes about politics and do your country a great service by sharing them with all of us. The Comic Wonder International Militia is currently signing a petition to impose a joke telling draft. We hate for it to come to that but these tough times and we can’t let the humorless win. Do it for all of the great comics who have made us laugh over the years - Jacky Benny, Red Skelton, George Carlin and Carrot Top. It’s your doodie. And your duty.

Posted by:

Brandy Chuggin
Comic Wonder Regional VP of Senior Humor Relations & Author of “Crochet: The cognitive revolution and historical perspective!”

Comic Wonder, together with McVay Media and the National Association of Broadcasters (NAB), is searching for the funniest personality on the planet. If you’re trying to get noticed in the radio industry this contest is for you!

The process is easy - if you’re a radio personality and you think you’re funny - simply visit www.radioscomicwonder.com before August 31, 2008 and tell your best joke. Visitors to the site vote on who they deem radio’s funniest.

“The best radio shows are the ones that make people laugh,” notes Daniel Anstandig, President of McVay New Media. “Finding and identifying top radio talent continues to be a top priority. We believe that this contest can help some great talent get the attention they deserve.”

Comic Wonder will announce the winner at the NAB Radio Show in Austin, Texas on September 18th where a spotlight video of the winner’s radio background and comedic talent will be featured to a room of radio executives and fellow radio personalities. Beyond recognition, Radio’s Comic Wonder will walk away with:

• A giant, mantle worthy trophy
• $1,000 cold, hard cash
• Airfare and accomodations to the NAB Radio Show

Visit www.radioscomicwonder.com to begin!

This week’s The New Yorker magazine cover depicting Barack Obama and his wife, Michelle, has caused quite the stir. Regardless of your stance on the satirical cartoon, the question has been raised…are there any good jokes out there about Barack Obama that we can all deem funny?

Today’s New York Times article by Bill Carter posed reasons why we’re not making fun of the Democratic presidential nominee, “The reason cited by most of those involved in the shows [late night talk shows] is that a fundamental factor is so far missing in Mr. Obama: There is no comedic “take” on him, nothing easy to turn to for an easy laugh, like allegations of Bill Clinton’s womanizing, or President Bush’s goofy bumbling or Al Gore’s robotic persona.”

And, of course, there are jokes about John McCain, which are about as old as his age.

So, we know why. The question remains what are we going to do about this lack of Obama humor?

Comic Wonder would like to challenge you to perform your best Obama joke on our site. It is the perfect forum to try out your Obama jokes and see how they land. If our audience doesn’t like them - they will tell you!

Who knows, perhaps Obama will jump online and tell a joke about himself - thus, not only proving his sense of humor, but beating all the timid comedians to the punch.

Comic Wonder crossed the pond!

Jeff Fitzsimmons, the Co-founder and Creative Director of Comic Wonder, along with Captainhilariousness, the 2007 Comic Wonder of the Year winner, joined the UK radio giant Graham Mack for a little chat and a lot of laughs.

Check it out under the July 9th “Mack Nuggets” or click here to have a listen. The interview is about 7 minutes into the audio, but it’s funny material while you wait - guaranteed!

I’ve got a 2 dollar bill and some Seltzer for this week’s winner named “Skez63.” The names that parents are giving kids these days really sour my soup. What happened to respectable names like Abel and Marvin?

Anywho, I guess you all enjoyed Skez63’s rendition of “Foreskins and Matzo Balls.” I never cared much for jokes and boners but I’m contractually obligated to help hand out these awards from time to time nonetheless. And besides, my Doctor says the typing helps with my circulation.

My late husband (rest his soul) would have been so proud to know that his efforts in The Good War helped to pave the way for us to be able to award someone for making a joke with “foreskin” in the title. Gives me goosebumps.

So good job Mr Skez63! Drink responsibly and just say no!

They want me to remind you about the many new features on the Comic Wonder and to promote my new blog but Golden Girls is starting and the cream of celery is boiling. Good luck next week competitors and do us all a favor and turn down your nonsense music. It’s meant to be heard…not felt. The nurse isn’t here to show me how to shut down this intermail stuff so I’ll just stop typing and walk away. Never cared much for electricity doohickies anyhow.

XOXO

~ Brandy Chuggin
Comic Wonder Regional VP of Senior Humor Relations & Author of “Crochet: A Historical Perspective of The Cognitive Revolution.

The days of this ad are long, long gone - it’s a little shocking they were here at all; blowing smoke in someone’s face was considered attractive? Sadly though, so are the days of the Marlboro man. Now that, was attractive.

Smokers have been kicked to the curb (literally) to enjoy their cigarettes. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for places going smoke-free - but, there is something to be said for the affect of smoking equaling increased sexuality. Or replacing it, according to Melvin.

Melvin Durai had some great quotes in his column on the relationship between smoking and sex… and they may make you think twice about dating a smoker. Or like me, just make you laugh.

A survey of 2,000 smokers was conducted in six European counties (I couldn’t find any dates or further information associated with this) with Britain boasting the highest proportion of respondents (80%) who enjoy sex, but would rather get intimate with a cigarette.

“I always smile after sex,” said one British woman, “because I can finally have myself a smoke”.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy sex,” said a married woman. “It’s just that a cigarette lasts longer, and if I suddenly decide that I don’t want to finish the cigarette, nobody complains. Nobody screams and runs to the shower.”

Even in France, a land where lovemaking is an art form, nearly 70% would rather create an abstract work — on their x-rays. “If you want to see true love in action, come to my house,” said one man. “Every night, my wife undresses, comes to bed and starts smoking. I don’t complain, because I know which butt she’ll throw out of bed. I once told her that it isn’t safe to smoke in bed and she reminded me, rather coldly, that it’s better to smoke in bed than be a joke in bed.”

Maybe the European are on to something…which would you choose?

Speaking of sex and smoking - I just came across this great joke by kgosser (click here) on this very topic!

Now you can find out! The team at Comic Wonder Towers has added a new feature to the Web site to allow members to find out once and for all how their sense of humor rates in comparison to others! Introducing the Sense of Humor (SOH) score. Now you and your friends no longer have to argue about who the funnier person is because the numbers don’t lie!

If a person has a high Sense of Humor (SOH) score, it is because that person is funny, or that person can recognize funny. There is a complex, patented formula developed by a global consortium of really funny mathematicians, psychologists and law enforcement officials that determines the actual scores. But - all you really need to know is that it works!

Click here to learn more and get started in the process of finding out exactly how much better your sense of humor is than everyone else!

Ok, by now I figure that more than half the world watches American Idol, at least, if not more. It’s clearly taken over everything - I mean, Ryan Seacrest is famous for goodness sake people! I was one of the sole few several years ago that didn’t watch, and I am now just like everyone else - my husband and I watch it religiously every week. For all those who think they are too cool for it like I did- I must just say, let it suck you in! We definitely forward through the pointless stuff - like the call in questions from the viewers, the beginning singers we didn’t like, the joking around Ryan does with the singers while they try to put hand signals up of their number for the camera (the point of which is beyond me). Although we don’t take the time to vote, we still manage to yell at the TV as the results of those that did are given. What a joke it was when Michael Johns got kicked off - he was great, and not bad to look at.

Last week, Kristy Lee Cook was let go. While I wanted her to get the ax many weeks ago, I thought she wasn’t the one America should have voted off last week. I mean come on…how more annoying can Brooke White get?! The way she always smiles at the audience and consoles us when she gets a bad review with the “it’s ok, it’s ok” line. What?! No, it’s not ok Brooke, we wanted you off! My husband finds the fact that she hasn’t seen an R rated movie reason enough to vote her off, never mind her singing. I would have to agree. This has been the American Idol with really great singers - but, equally frustrating people on trying to get attention and ham it up (*cough, Brooke & Kristy, cough, cough*). But, I digress.

By now I think everyone assumes it will come down to David Archuleta (who says his favorite quote is, “You’ll never be lonely if you befriend yourself” - I just had to add that in - classic) and David Cook. And, who doesn’t like Jason Castro, but I don’t think he can pull of the win. Maybe if he didn’t look so stoned he’d get more votes?! Regardless, he’s in my top three.

Since I have all these opinions I should actually vote! But, then I would just have more to complain about and would be so much more frustrated when the next person to get voted off isn’t Brooke. Geesh - for such a family friendly show - it sure brings out a lot of aggression in me, I’m sure Brooke is really quite lovely.