I’m calling “B S” on all this Halloween costume stuff!  My boss sent out an email this week reminding us that “The mandatory annual company costume contest is scheduled for October 23rd!”  I’m bothered for several reasons.  #1) Mandatory humiliation.  #2)  October 23rd is a Thursday and  over a week before the recognized “Holiday.”  It lands on a Thursday because the bosses have learned that if they do it on Fridays more people will call in sick. 

   I ride the bus.  This creates several issue on dress up holidays.  I don’t want to be one of the pathetic jerks wearing a half ass costume on the city bus at 5:30am.  Especially a week before it’s technically expected.  Perhaps I should dress up like a bum with puke on my beard so I can just blend in?.  Oh, but that’s not “PC” or “in good taste.”  Like making your underpaid employees show up in face paint and itchy wigs is any better.  The annual torture that is Halloween got me thinking: “What exactly is Halloween celebrating?” 

   Some believe a headless horseman.  Some believe candy is the reason.  Others think it’s “the one day I get to be a kid again!”  I think it’s just another holiday that some company created to make money.  Perhaps colonial dentists had the idea to get us all to pig out on tooth rotting sugar?  Maybe cosmetic companies started the tradition to sell makeup?  I guess it could even be a broom company who decided they needed a mascot.   “I got it, Witches!” 

  The fact is, even Wikipediahas a hard time explaining what the heck Halloween is and where it’s origins lie.  I don’t mean LIE!  That’s just it,  it’s all a sham.  We’ve been duped.  Mothers day is an example of a crooked holiday.  It’s a popular belief that Hallmark created the annual celebration to sell it’s lame limericks.  Others say it was a woman back in 1905 who was concerned over mothers being neglected by their kids.  In 1905?  I think they had other concerns to worry about like Typhoid and Scarlet Fever.  I’m going with Hallmark.  I believe that the tooth fairy was also probably created for profit.  Maybe by the US mint?  Maybe even a pillow company?  New Years likely had some calendar company behind it.  Arbor day was surely created by some guy selling garden trowels and so on.

    I too like to party but I want to do it on my terms and not  to profit some sneaky corporate guy.  Presidents days is just about the only day I don’t feel guilty celebrating.  There’s no hidden marketing agenda.  I almost always buy a car that weekend.  This years top Halloween costumes will surely be Palin, Bush and my boss.   A few “sluts” will be sprinkled in too, which is great.  Some guy in accounting named Craig will wear a white shirt with a bunch of stuff written on it waiting to tell people he’s “Craigslist.”  A few will phone it in with their Letterman jackets or even just sweats an a headband to be “athletes.”  Several will simply appear too fat to pull off whatever character they are impersonating.  My boss will show that he’s a fun guy by wearing a 70’s leisure suit.   I need this stupid job so I’ll give in and spend too much time and money on a lame attempt at a clever pop culture reference.  It also needs to be run by HR before it’s approved.  The winner gets an extra sick day added to their file so I’m giving it all I got in hopes that I can use that sick day on the next halloween party.  Which is scheduled for October 11th of 2009.        

I’m proud to say that I’m a survivor.  I’ve seen a lot in my 86 years but yesterdays visit to Wallsave was a terrifying experience.  I live in an assisted thriving community now called the Eternityshire Estates.  Our shuttle takes residents in to the city twice a week.  I decided it was time to stock up on Dinty Moore beef stew and such so I packed my hip wallet with my money and meds. 

   When we arrived at our drop off I was a bit confused to see that my old trustee Pay-n-Prosper had been torn down and replaced with a new gigantic building called “Wallsave: Santa Fe”  Apparently it’s like the other Wallsaves around the country with a bit of Santa Fe flare.  I noticed the food court was painted like the desert.  Even the security fellow had an embroidered badge patch in the shape of a cactus.  It seemed like a pleasant enough store but the sheer size of it overwhelmed me a bit.  I wouldn’t have worn my nylon socks if I knew I would be doing this much walking.

    After wandering for a half hour or so I made it through the greeting area and headed for the sign marked “beauty care.”  I was in need of some cold cream and deodorant.  I have never been to reliant on perfumes or anti-perspirants in the past but our resident advisor issued a notice that all resident need to use scented under arm care products as of the first of the month.  I am on my 3rd notice so I decided that I would just buy something that smelled nice and be done with it. 

   The deodorant section wasn’t easy to find at first but a young many in a burnt amber vest directed me to a long isle that was as colorful as my favorite holiday sweater.  Every color imaginable and almost as many brand names.  I was alarmed to discover that all of them appeared to have different smells too.  I called over the young fella to help me out and that’s when the horror began. 

   He began to read of names like “Arctic Ice Crystal Blast, Powder Blast with Molten Lava Fusion Crystals, Titanium Clean Extreme Raw, Magma Fresh With AmourPiercing Floral Bullets, Mercury Scent Insanity 2, Scent Of Leather Berry With Almond Roca Gel, Atomic Blast Boquet and Original Scent”  Then he noticed they were out of original scent.  Although there was nearly 700 scents to choose from I was more intimidated by the idea that people had apparently evolved to become extremely stinky.   What happened to Powder?  Fresh? Clean?  Unscented?  They have all been transformed and blended with the forces of nature to become Frankendeodorants. 

   It seems to me that if our scientists spent half as much time on cures for disease as they do on new antiperspirants we would be living in a better world.  A healthier world.  One that already smells like fresh powder.  With normal scented people fusion.  At least that’s what I plan on telling my resident advisor.  I may have walked away without deodorant but I feel lucky have escapedwith my life and arm pits in tact.  Besides, I hate to break a 2 dollar bill on meaningless purchases like Ocean Burst Advanced with Barnacle Mist Crystals.

Everyone knows that April Fools’ Day is a celebration of jokes, tricks, pranks and “pulling one over” on others .

For the Top 100 April Fool’s Day hoaxes of all time - click here.

But, where did it all begin? Its origins are actually uncertain. Some see it as a celebration related to the turn of the seasons (people’s general joy and lightheartedness at the coming of spring), while others believe it stems from the adoption of a new calendar. Ancient cultures, including those as varied as the Romans and the Hindus, celebrated New Year’s Day on or around April 1. It closely follows the vernal equinox (March 20th or March 21st.) In medieval times, much of Europe celebrated March 25, the Feast of Annunciation, as the beginning of the new year.

In 1582, Pope Gregory XIII ordered a new calendar (the Gregorian Calendar) to replace the old Julian Calendar. The new calendar called for New Year’s Day to be celebrated Jan. 1. That year, France adopted the reformed calendar and shifted New Year’s day to Jan. 1.

According to a popular explanation, many people either refused to accept the new date, or did not learn about it, and continued to celebrate New Year’s Day on April 1. Other people began to make fun of these traditionalists, sending them on “fool’s errands” or trying to trick them into believing something false. Eventually, the practice spread throughout Europe.

There are at least two difficulties with this explanation. The first is that it doesn’t fully account for the spread of April Fools’ Day to other European countries. The Gregorian calendar was not adopted by England until 1752, for example, but April Fools’ Day was already well established there by that point. The second is that we have no direct historical evidence for this explanation, only conjecture, and that conjecture appears to have been made more recently. For more info, go to http://www.infoplease.com/spot/aprilfools1.html.

If the joke is on you this April Fools’ Day, take the advice of Max Eastman, “It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.”