Poor lawyers. They are the most important piece standing between freedom for us as Americans and falsely convicted of beating your step children. The truth is lawyers have always been a vital, noble profession in America. So what went wrong?

The answer is one-part human nature, one-part misunderstanding, and a whole-lotta-parts assholishnes.

If you look at what makes a good lawyer joke, the punchline usually revolves around the lawyer being related to greed. The connotation a lawyer projects in the past century has shifted to screwing people over: YOU, the government, someone else, old ladies, Jewish fellas, Christain fellas, rich, poor, whatever it doesn’t matter. What matters is that the perception in 2009 is lawyers are crooks.

So what about you? Do you feel that way? Do you like lawyer jokes? Do you think they are offensive and unfair? Do you think there is another angle relating to lawyers that makes a good lawyer joke? Share your comments below or post over on our forum!

Improv Everywhere makes me happy.

On February 17, 2009 all full-power broadcast television stations in the United States will stop broadcasting on analog airwaves and begin broadcasting only in digital. Digital broadcasting will allow stations to offer improved picture and sound quality and additional channels.

We at Comic Wonder know this is a relatively confusing time and many of you have answers about what this means to you. We have no idea but we wanted to be sure you saw this TV commercial before the big Cablepocalypse.

Well, it’s that time again and we sent a representative of team Comic Wonder out to award the Comic Wonder of the Year trophy to the best joke-teller of 2008. This year’s winner is no other than 1anero, who hails from the windy city, which is where we caught up with him…

Kris presents the big trophy!

 

 

 (Trophy detail)

Discount Engraving Corp comes through again!  How do they keep their prices so low?!

 

 

The ‘Big Check’!

 

 

 

Eager to cash in on his Comic Wonder booty, 1anero heads to the ‘Big Check Cashing Store’

 

 

her: “We’ve never had a check this big before!”

1anero: “$2500 is a lot, but that’s the biggest you’ve ever gotten?”

 

 

I’d better get the manager

 

 

That’s the manager?

 

 

…Seriously? The guy with the eye patch manages the check cashing store?

That is the most appropriate thing I’ve ever heard of.

 

 

I’m pretty flush, so I guess I can wait around a while while they discuss how big my check is.

 

 

This guy is VERY impressed too.

impressed guy: “Who’s the comic?”

1anero: “me”

impressed guy: “You must be pretty funny with a check THAT big.”

1anero: “You have no idea”

 

 

Might as well endorse it while we’re waiting

 

 

Is this even going to fit in here?

 

 

 What!?? It’s just like cash! What are you talking about?

 

 

 There’s the door Comic Wonder!

 

 

Seriously bummed best joke-teller in the world.

 

 

This check isn’t even worth the massive amount of paper it’s printed on!

 

 

 This is the part of the story that I warned you about in the headline.

Comedy turns to rage as 1anero opens up a 55-gallon drum of Whoop A$$ on the messenger.

This is also the hard lesson that I talked about in the headline. Big checks aren’t real. They’re for photo ops, because people look really stupid shaking hands and holding a really tiny check. You cash the tiny check. I feel bad that I didn’t mention that to Kris before he left.

 

Who’s laughing now!

(answer: 1anero)

 

 So, we got these photos in the mail and nobody’s heard from 1anero since. If you happen to live in Chicago and see him, please drop us an email or call the authorities.

Incidentally, we’re hiring a new … whatever Kris did.

There are certain celebrities that can get away with just about anything and still keep their street cred.  Alec Baldwin is one of those stars who can turn lemons in to lemon spritzers.  2007 was a year Alec would soon like to forget.  His well-publicized battle with his ex-wife and daughter made news world-wide.  The threatening voicemail he left for his 12-year-old daughter became thing of legend.  Even Pat O’Brien was jealous how much poor judgement Alec could use on the phone.  The difference is that Alec has the seductive voice to pull it off.  Listening to his call sorta made me want to buy an expensive foreign car.  It was unintentional but his voice is just that commanding.

   2008 was another story for Alec, with 30 Rock skyrocketing and his first Emmy win.  It’s a brave new world for Alec where he will have his pick of roles and money to burn. You can deny that Alec is a “great actor” but you can’t deny his vocal chords are made of spun gold.  PURE, Rumpelstiltskin spun gold!  How good is he?  He was able to take a script of ordinary plumbing references and cause massive eargasms around the world for his performance in the Liquid Plumber Foaming Pipe Snake commercial(A reason not to fast forward through commercial breaks!).  Few people on this earth have enough presence to command total awe over something so gross.  He had me daydreaming about riding on the back of the mystical foaming pipe snake as we whirled around my plugged up toilet bowl.  Alec Baldwin is that good.

   Because Alec was able to make Liquid Plumber “hip” (essentially a fluid based turd-buster) I wonder if other advertisers will take those hard to market items and utilize other fascinating celebrities.  Christopher Walken could surely make Cream of Wheat sexy?  I could probably be convinced that I needed a new cheese shredder if Clint Howard said so.  Especially if his brother directed the commercial!  It terrifies me to think of what most of us wouldn’t do for a David Archuleta endorsed ziplock bag?

Have you heard the joke about the airline?  OF COURSE YOU HAVE!  They are endless.  It’s not a new concept that flying has become an incredibly convenient way to travel…in complete agony.  It is a new concept, however, that we are no longer divided in to 2 classes.  Introducing:  First Class, Second Class, and Classless.  Whether it’s disguised as “business class” or “Executive” or perhaps “Regal,”  the divide between leg room and little room has grown.

 

   I was flying with my wife and 18 month daughter to a tropical vacation recently and like most men I left the booking arrangements to my better half.  It wasn’t until walking through the cramped cabin that I realized I didn’t know where we were sitting.  My wife stopped at row 12 with excitement.  “I forgot to tell you, we got bumped to Economy PLUS!”  We had already passed through the upper crust section where the big spenders sit so I was confused.  “Economy Plus?” I asked.  She explained that there is now another seat option with this airline and we were in the better of the 2 lesser seating sections.  A moral victory perhaps but I was confused by excitement over our consistently cramped seats.  My baby daughter had plenty of leg room but I was still doing a sitting “Cannon ball” pose, which is a term I learned you cannot say on an airline anymore due to heightened security measures.  I won’t bother mentioning what airline this was but I can tell you that my knees were UNITED with  my chin.  Apparently the added inch or so of leg room is cause for celebration and surcharge.  I spent the 5 hour flight pondering how this new seating section could possibly be worth the added ticket price.  About half way in to the flight my wife was shifting around complaining that her seat was a bit “lumpy.”  After further inspection she found that an extra seat belt appeared to be stuck into the folds of her seat.  I realized that it was one of those rare seat belt extenders that are offered to…uh…Belly Plus passengers.  Perhaps this whole “Plus” moniker was in reference to passenger size, not seat size.  Very slick marketing…airline that shall remain nameless!  I spent the remainder of the flight with my knees UNITED with my chest wondering what the romantic old economy seats were like. 

   Vacation was amazing.  The flight home came far too soon and it was the shocking realization that I was no longer an Economy Plus passenger that hit the hardest.  We missed that section by about 2 rows and with the cost of several hundred bucks to upgrade to the middle class we decided to tough it out.  A costly mistake.  Now my knees were UNITED with my forehead.  Everything in economy seemed smaller.  The pretzels came as “pretzel bites” and my soda came with “ice chips.”  The recline position on the seats was 89 degrees.  Talk about the lap of luxury.  Then again, what did I expect?  I wasn’t even in middle class anymore.  I felt like those poor folks who were in the bowels of the Titanic, separated from the Floatation Plus people.  An announcement came over the loud speaker: “Ladies and gentlemen we are going to turn off the seat belt sign now and we ask that you do return to your assigned seat after stretching you legs.  We do have plenty of upgrade room available in Economy Plus and we encourage you to do so when you book your next flight.” 

    ROWS of empty seats were apparently off limits for us bottom feeders.  There was no curtain separating the economy plus from economy so it was really an unmarked boundary we were all subject to respecting.  God forbid they actually let passengers circulate their blood while flying.  My wife and I wondered if we could even make eye contact with Economy Plus passengers?  We began to reminisce about the “old days” when we were Economy Plus passengers.  “Remember how spread out we were?”  I asked my wife.  “I guess you just don’t know a good thing until it’s gone” my wife replied with a tear in her eye.  In fairness that tear was caused from the lack of oxygen in economy class.   It seems like the current model for airline seat arrangements is a borrowed concept from Sardine packers. 

   The real issue I have with this new class of passengers is that it’s counter intuitive to the rest of our society.  In America we have consistently increased the size of just about everything.  Bigger houses, cars and portions of food.  I asked for a large soda at the movies (a 8oo seater) and they gave me a garbage can on wheels with a straw.    Even fast food offers, medium size, large size, giganto size, humongo size and ridiculous size combo options.   Obesity is at an all time high and we have no signs this trend declining.  The airlines might want to take note of this issue or the seat belt extender manufacturers will become the new oil billionaires.    

I loathe shopping as much as the next guy (unless it involves an electronics store full of geek toys), but the ‘Holidays’ really brings out the worst in me. More that 15 minutes in a mall in December and I need a shower. Obviously the person charged with designing the new entrance graphics at the Brookfield Mall in Milwaukee feels the same way. Happy Holidays!

Hello Comic Wonders!

A year full of great jokes is coming to an end and it’s time to Crown the 2008 Comic Wonder of the Year.

…but before we do that, I want to thank everyone that has helped Comic Wonder grow over the last year. We have served well over ONE MILLION jokes and the new ones keep coming (and keep getting better.) Thank you for listening and thank you for your jokes!

Drum roll please…The 2008 Comic Wonder of the Year is 1anero!

1anero will take home $2,500 in cash, a fairly obnoxious trophy and the title of Comic Wonder of the Year!

His performance “The African Safari” narrowly beat out the other 11 finalists. The judges were very impressed with his character voices, story details and comedic timing. Simply put, his ability to take a joke, bring it to life and make us wet our pants (just a little bit) put him over the edge.

This was a difficult call for us. Funnybone’s originality was hard to ignore. KFC’s smooth joke telling got him some big points. RancheroMan was our runner-up and almost beat out 1anero because of his story telling ability. Skez63 got a good laugh out of the judges. REC didn’t disappoint with his punchline. Benroach90’s voice acting made him one of my personal favorites. Sam Greenfield won our 2008 Radio’s Comic Wonder contest among radio personalities in the United States last summer, and the joke speaks for itself. VoiceofElk has been our most prolific joke teller lately and is one of the staff’s favorites lately. (We used many of his jokes over Thanksgiving!) And Apavlon won our 2008 Political Joke of the Year contest with his insightful look into government contractors.

In the end all were worthy of consideration, but 1anero emerged as the winner. His body of work shows how talented and consistently good he is at telling a great joke.

We will have an official word from him soon (Maybe we can talk him into giving an acceptance speech, so keep an eye out for that!)

So what is on the horizon for Comic Wonder?

We are now hard at work planning the details for the 2009 Comic Wonder of the Year contest and we’re happy to announce that it will be getting bigger and better.

In addition to the annual title, we will be offering prizes for specialized themed contests and teaming up with a great charity to donate some money to a good cause.

We will also be introducing a community forum allowing you to create custom groups around your favorite funny stuff.

And as for you filmmakers, we’ve got some fun challenges specifically for you too!

This has been a great year and we really appreciate all of your involvement and are really looking forward to 2009.

I’m calling “B S” on all this Halloween costume stuff!  My boss sent out an email this week reminding us that “The mandatory annual company costume contest is scheduled for October 23rd!”  I’m bothered for several reasons.  #1) Mandatory humiliation.  #2)  October 23rd is a Thursday and  over a week before the recognized “Holiday.”  It lands on a Thursday because the bosses have learned that if they do it on Fridays more people will call in sick. 

   I ride the bus.  This creates several issue on dress up holidays.  I don’t want to be one of the pathetic jerks wearing a half ass costume on the city bus at 5:30am.  Especially a week before it’s technically expected.  Perhaps I should dress up like a bum with puke on my beard so I can just blend in?.  Oh, but that’s not “PC” or “in good taste.”  Like making your underpaid employees show up in face paint and itchy wigs is any better.  The annual torture that is Halloween got me thinking: “What exactly is Halloween celebrating?” 

   Some believe a headless horseman.  Some believe candy is the reason.  Others think it’s “the one day I get to be a kid again!”  I think it’s just another holiday that some company created to make money.  Perhaps colonial dentists had the idea to get us all to pig out on tooth rotting sugar?  Maybe cosmetic companies started the tradition to sell makeup?  I guess it could even be a broom company who decided they needed a mascot.   “I got it, Witches!” 

  The fact is, even Wikipediahas a hard time explaining what the heck Halloween is and where it’s origins lie.  I don’t mean LIE!  That’s just it,  it’s all a sham.  We’ve been duped.  Mothers day is an example of a crooked holiday.  It’s a popular belief that Hallmark created the annual celebration to sell it’s lame limericks.  Others say it was a woman back in 1905 who was concerned over mothers being neglected by their kids.  In 1905?  I think they had other concerns to worry about like Typhoid and Scarlet Fever.  I’m going with Hallmark.  I believe that the tooth fairy was also probably created for profit.  Maybe by the US mint?  Maybe even a pillow company?  New Years likely had some calendar company behind it.  Arbor day was surely created by some guy selling garden trowels and so on.

    I too like to party but I want to do it on my terms and not  to profit some sneaky corporate guy.  Presidents days is just about the only day I don’t feel guilty celebrating.  There’s no hidden marketing agenda.  I almost always buy a car that weekend.  This years top Halloween costumes will surely be Palin, Bush and my boss.   A few “sluts” will be sprinkled in too, which is great.  Some guy in accounting named Craig will wear a white shirt with a bunch of stuff written on it waiting to tell people he’s “Craigslist.”  A few will phone it in with their Letterman jackets or even just sweats an a headband to be “athletes.”  Several will simply appear too fat to pull off whatever character they are impersonating.  My boss will show that he’s a fun guy by wearing a 70’s leisure suit.   I need this stupid job so I’ll give in and spend too much time and money on a lame attempt at a clever pop culture reference.  It also needs to be run by HR before it’s approved.  The winner gets an extra sick day added to their file so I’m giving it all I got in hopes that I can use that sick day on the next halloween party.  Which is scheduled for October 11th of 2009.        

Comic Wonder is proud to announce our first featured member: Funnybone!

First, let me explain a little more about this new feature. Comic Wonder recognizes that it’s the community that keeps it going. It’s certain individuals within the community who tell and share funny jokes, spread the word of Comic Wonder outside these walls, leave positive comments, and have a distinct personality all their own that make Comic Wonder what it is today. They are unique, which in turn makes Comic Wonder a unique community.

It is recognizing those individuals that drives this new bi-weekly feature. We are going to try to pick out a member who deserves to get placed on the front page in front of all of his or her peers, fans, and friends.

It is with that said that Funnybone was the no-brainer first choice.

Funnybone was a part of one of the first wave of users to sign up for Comic Wonder. She joined our little yukster community  on January 12th, and went on a terror telling one great joke after another. They were welcome additions.

She won her first Comic Wonder of the Week on January 28th with the performance “Sick kitty” and didn’t look back from there. She had a total of 4 follow up Comic Wonder of the Week winners. Here they are:

• “A blonde wins a bet”
• “Face lift”
• “George Bush goes jogging”
• “How to avoid a speeding ticket”

The “Face lift” performance won the Comic Wonder of the Month award for January, and is in the running with 11 other finalists for the 2008 Comic Wonder of the Year.

She has been featured as an Audio Joke of the Day a total of 10 times, with her most recent joke, “I want to join this damned church” — which I might add could be her funniest and dirtiest joke to date — being featured yesterday.

Funnybone has amassed a 40,000 point lead in the Sense of Humor rankings, and what makes us proud is that she’s done it the legal way: Telling quality jokes, being active in the community by voting, commenting and being constructive with others, and winning awards.

Yes, let it be known that one day in the future when there is a “Comic Wonder Hall of Fame”  Funnybone will be a first ballot entry. Congrats to Funnybone for being our first featured member!