There are certain celebrities that can get away with just about anything and still keep their street cred.  Alec Baldwin is one of those stars who can turn lemons in to lemon spritzers.  2007 was a year Alec would soon like to forget.  His well-publicized battle with his ex-wife and daughter made news world-wide.  The threatening voicemail he left for his 12-year-old daughter became thing of legend.  Even Pat O’Brien was jealous how much poor judgement Alec could use on the phone.  The difference is that Alec has the seductive voice to pull it off.  Listening to his call sorta made me want to buy an expensive foreign car.  It was unintentional but his voice is just that commanding.

   2008 was another story for Alec, with 30 Rock skyrocketing and his first Emmy win.  It’s a brave new world for Alec where he will have his pick of roles and money to burn. You can deny that Alec is a “great actor” but you can’t deny his vocal chords are made of spun gold.  PURE, Rumpelstiltskin spun gold!  How good is he?  He was able to take a script of ordinary plumbing references and cause massive eargasms around the world for his performance in the Liquid Plumber Foaming Pipe Snake commercial(A reason not to fast forward through commercial breaks!).  Few people on this earth have enough presence to command total awe over something so gross.  He had me daydreaming about riding on the back of the mystical foaming pipe snake as we whirled around my plugged up toilet bowl.  Alec Baldwin is that good.

   Because Alec was able to make Liquid Plumber “hip” (essentially a fluid based turd-buster) I wonder if other advertisers will take those hard to market items and utilize other fascinating celebrities.  Christopher Walken could surely make Cream of Wheat sexy?  I could probably be convinced that I needed a new cheese shredder if Clint Howard said so.  Especially if his brother directed the commercial!  It terrifies me to think of what most of us wouldn’t do for a David Archuleta endorsed ziplock bag?

Remember how at first, your mom didn’t want to learn how to use email? And then when she finally got her AOL account all figured out, suddenly she was on it constantly? She realized that email was her friend, that she could write you whatever and whenever she wanted without having to call or prepare for your responses. In a mom email, all the elements are in place to give hilarity a good chance of ensuing most of the time.  

Fortunately, there is a place where people can anonymously share the best of mom’s emails; it’s called Postcards from your Momma. A “repository of modern day maternal correspondence,” the site is made up of submitted emails that were received from moms, occasionally with a short backstory where necessary. Here’s an example: 

“hi 
hope you are excited about campers coming tomorrow. good luck. you shouldn’t of asked me to look in your closet for your hat because i found a box of condoms. 
love, 
mom” 

Some are hilarious, some are pretty unremarkable, and some are just bizarre. The reoccurring theme in most of these is the extreme amount of nonsequiturs. Apparently, when it comes to emails to the kids, moms feel little obligation to any show of cohesiveness; they can be sweet, then totally disapproving, and then talk about which episode of “The Office” they watched, all in the same run-on sentence. 

Mom emails are funny, but this makes you think twice before convincing her to get that iPhone.

What’s the key to comedy? No, it’s not timing. Or delivery, wit, or anything else with “words”. It’s hilarious injuries! What follows it the best spill videos the internet has to offer …

Rating 8.1. The woman who falls gets what she deserves after all that bragging about how much juice she can stomp out. Why is there even an elevated platform for these bins?

Deductions: The woman’s wailing is so excessive, one wonders if it wasn’t added by some internet trickster in post-production.

Rating: 8.4. This odd, metal contraption that this infomercial salesman is trying to hawk would make this video a 5 even without it collapsing under his weight.

Deductions: Instead of groaning in pain, the man tries to keep selling the product despite almost paralyzing himself.

Rating 7.5: Another ladder fall. But what makes this one special is the reaction by the hosts who conclude: “He’s moving, so he is OK.” Also probably the best thud of the collection

Deductions: Accuracy. The host claims the floors are slippery, but the evidence clearly shows the fall was not caused by the ladder giving way.

Rating: 8.2

If you want to understand what comedy videos succeed on the internet look no further than “You’ve been kicked in the nuts” series. A guy dressed in a funny orange wig goes around and kicks people in the groin. Keep it simple.

Deductions: The whole thing is staged which takes away from the ability of the viewer to emotionalize with the victim of the kicking. Impromptu kicks would result in more realistic writhing.

Whatever you make of Garfield Minus Garfield, you have to hand it to creator Dan Walsh; within a year, his derivative comic strip has already earned him plenty of attention, the support of Garfield creator Jim Davis and a book deal with Davis’ publisher, Ballantine Books. And all he had to do was erase a few Garfields. (I take it back: you don’t have to hand it to Walsh – you can go ahead and despise him for thinking of this before you did.)
With Garfield escorted out of the picture, Walsh leaves us with a comic that is focused exclusively on one thing: Jon Arbuckle. Poor, lonely Jon Arbuckle. Who knew such a seemingly innocuous cartoon could yield so much existential angst?

I almost feel guilty that I allowed Garfield and his antics to distract me from ever recognizing Jon Arbuckle’s cries for help. I want to buy Jon a beer and tell him that everything’s going to be okay, and yet this makes me laugh; apparently it’s making a lot of people laugh, including Jim Davis. Creating something completely depressing out of intended lightheartedness is definitely funny, though I have to wonder whether some disconcerting undercurrent of the original Garfield has also been revealed here…

Crisis. Panic. Unrelenting fear. These are the emotions great comedy is based on. With the financial crisis dominating the headlines, we thought it would present our favorite finance-related videos on the web.

Feel free to vote for your favorite.

1. The Dark Bailout:

2. Up and comers Landline TV present a new bank that actually opened during these hard times:

3.  Of bailout and tugboats? (via Funny or Die)

4. And this oldie but goodie from SNL:

It’s a good time to be Christian Lander, the creator of Stuff White People Like. First his very own blog, then a six-figure book deal, and last week an appearance on Conan. Want to be the next Lander? Here are some spin-off sites that can surely rival Stuff White People Like’s success:

Stuff Animals Like: The absence of self-awareness.

An animal does not possess the capacity for analytic thought. This means they are free from the burden of consciousness. They graze completely unencumbered by the knowledge that each day is one closer to the grave. It should be noted that an animal’s specific preferences can vary among species. For instance while a lion may like wildebeests, a dog might enjoy chewing on tennis balls.

Stuff Zombies Like: Brains.

What’s interesting about zombies isn’t there affinity for brains, but rather their complete lack of interest for anything they refer to as “not brains, arggghh”. Whether it’s flesh, marrow, ice-skating or a relaxing Sunday, Zombies are totally apathetic. Sadly when a zombie has successfully procured a fresh specimen, he or she can not enjoy the fruit (or matter) of their labor; they are already thinking about their next fix. Is that human across the street, screaming and running around in circles going to escape before I can stiffly amble over? Sigh.

Stuff Sandra Bullocks Like: Scripts with complicated or supernatural premises.

What if a bus was rigged with an explosive device and it got hijacked and it couldn’t go under 50 miles per hour or the bomb would explode? Even better what if that happened to a boat? (Substitute knots.) Sandra Bullocks know the space-time continuum is an absolute, undeniable truth, but they are not afraid to make films that pose the question: what if it wasn’t? (See: The Lake House.) Other than needlessly-complex thrillers, Sandra Bullocks also thrive in the more popular genre of romantic comedies. However, in films that lean more heavily on the “com” than the “rom,” Sandra Bullocks will turn in flat, dull performances.

Stuff Hobo clowns Like: Poverty.

At first thought this may seem nonsensical. A hobo clown is down and out so wouldn’t it stand that the acquisition of riches would turn that frown upside down? Perhaps. But then the hobo clown would cease to be a hobo clown. He could no longer hilariously turn his pant pockets inside out, then shrug his shoulders sadly when nothing comes out. His shtick is predicated on his soceo-economic standing. If poverty is not something a hobo clown likes, then perhaps he must ask himself which he is first: a hobo or a clown.

Stuff My Ex-girlfriends Like: Taller guys who have a real job.

Before they become ex-girlfriends, these unlucky ladies believe dating an amateur comedy writer will be all fun and games. But the attraction wears thin when they quickly realize that the driving force for many budding comedians is a need for validation stemming from a lack of confidence or an obsession with being liked.

It’s been over 80 years since Al Jolson’s dark turn in The Jazz Singer, but that doesn’t mean white guys imitating black guys isn’t still high-larious. Presidential contender Barack Obama may be half-white, but these YouTube impersonators are all white. And not in the good way, like bread and doves and roses and Castles and blood cells and fence pickets.Who says integrity is dead? The white kid impersonating Obama in “50 Impressions (not perfect)” admits his shortcoming right there in the title. And he’s correct:

The three stiff words in his Obama riff go by quicker than you can say, “Does he look 14 or 15?”. The other 49 are not perfect either. Like the great white northerner in the thesis-titled “Impersonations of 2008 primary contenders,” these guys follow a certain line of logic to its natural conclusion: if you’re no good at any one impression, why not do lots of them? And throw in a Canadian flag backdrop to enhance the realism. Uncanny!

The real Obama is easily recognized by his well-groomed look, so if you didn’t recognize his snakeskin cowboy hat, Transitions lenses, and shoulder-length dirty blond hair in Barack Obama Impersonation, we don’t blame you:

What’s the opposite of impression? Depression? But who says an accurate impersonation needs to get the looking and talking right? No matter what you think of Obama’s speeches, everyone can agree that they are rarely short. If nothing else, this white guy’s “Obama Impersonation” totally nails that whole being really long thing:

the truly blacker Obama knows, the essence of good marketing is selling your message. So when “Perfect impression of Barack Obama!” loads up, you have good reason for hope. But much like life itself, your dreams are ultimately dashed and it all ends quite badly:

You’re not cynical for doubting Dad does Barack Obama impression, because he doesn’t. It’s hardly clear what the hell Dad is doing:

All the wisdom in this family lies with the his off-screen son, whose supple young mind is the only one among YouTube’s whitest Obama impersonation clips to grasp the obvious: “You can’t, you’re white.” Some barriers don’t need to be broken.

It’s super annoying when parents and other old people mistake our hair styles for “just rolling out of bed.” Yeah, it looks this rad by just sleeping on it…NOT! Try several cans of Mega Hold Hair Spray! Not to mention a regular trip to the drug store for some green dye. Or whatever color is currently the most shocking. On any given day we have nearly a dozen products in our hair and we’re tired of the old fart generation refusing to get it.

We don’t want them to accept us. Just don’t confuse our intentionally messy hair for not having combed it at all. It’s NOT BEDHEAD! Although we use that too. The art of getting you hair to look like you didn’t even touch it is getting tougher all the time. The slighted misplaced cowlick can blow the entire statement. Retro can mistaken for Lazy if you’re not careful. Celebrities often get it all wrong.

Because we are in a band we know that image is everything. We don’t just play songs, we scream them. We haven’t ever played our guitars. We WAIL THEM!!! If we had some $9.99 Super Craftmaster Plus cuts we would confuse our audience. Our messages would be lost. Although we don’t have any written lyrics our statement is always clear. “We are rebelling!” At least two weekends a month. None of us have cars so we need to bum rides to gigs or borrow Larry’s step-dads van. He is super paranoid that we will get eyeliner on his seats so sometimes we don’t even bother asking him and just take the bus. Just because our parents live in one of the richest areas in town doesn’t mean we don’t roll public transit. It’s one of the only places where we feel truly at home. You’ll find our gum on most of the back seats. it’s a point of pride.

The important thing is that when we show up at a show ready to thrash, our hair looks like we’re headliners. It’s so perfectly manicured that you would assume we’re either homeless or supernatural. Or somewhere in between. The crowd notices the effort and they respect it. They bob their head to our distorted tunes while our elders shake their head in disappointment. Our parents and other lame old people think we are leaving the house “looking like wrecks.” Yeah, a twisted wreck of GothRock, Rad Hair and and Rebellion! The good news is that Summer is winding down and the windy Fall weather is really great for inspiring new in your face hair trends.

We’ll try to write again soon but we’re all leaving on a family trip to Orlando. We’ve agreed to go to Disney world but I guarantee we’ll get kicked off the Tea Cups.

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Goth For Gigs

(If you are interested in booking us, go to H-E double hockey sticks! We don’t deal with fascist capitalists!)

I knew just from its name, even before clicking on the link, that I’d probably appreciate it: Animal Internet. Did the site live up to my expectations? It did, but it’s possible that those expectations were not difficult to meet. (More on that later.) What you can find on Animal Internet is exactly what you (but not you) might expect: content written from the perspective of animals. “It’s a place where polar bears can share their New Year’s resolutions with horses,” explains Casey, founder/CEO/dog of Animal Internet. At last, a place for that.

Not to be missed are the “Animatorials.” In one, Elton, a fox, reveals that he is an atheist. In another, an owl named Cheryl discusses her struggle with bulimia: “I don’t know how it started, and I’m not pointing any wings” she writes. You get the idea — a real hoot for all you animal-pun enthusiasts (sorry).

The humor of Animal Internet relies entirely on an age-old assumption, one that has for decades inspired the masterminds of the birthday card industry: when animals do things normally done exclusively by humans, hilarity ensues.

I’d like to think my sense of humor is more sophisticated than this, but I have to agree. Why? When a dog acts like a human, we compare ourselves with dogs. And if you think about it, a dog is sort of like a human that just came out wrong; his brain is the size of a peanut, he’s covered in fur, and occasionally he eats his own poop.

Now that’s comedy.