I’m calling “B S” on all this Halloween costume stuff!  My boss sent out an email this week reminding us that “The mandatory annual company costume contest is scheduled for October 23rd!”  I’m bothered for several reasons.  #1) Mandatory humiliation.  #2)  October 23rd is a Thursday and  over a week before the recognized “Holiday.”  It lands on a Thursday because the bosses have learned that if they do it on Fridays more people will call in sick. 

   I ride the bus.  This creates several issue on dress up holidays.  I don’t want to be one of the pathetic jerks wearing a half ass costume on the city bus at 5:30am.  Especially a week before it’s technically expected.  Perhaps I should dress up like a bum with puke on my beard so I can just blend in?.  Oh, but that’s not “PC” or “in good taste.”  Like making your underpaid employees show up in face paint and itchy wigs is any better.  The annual torture that is Halloween got me thinking: “What exactly is Halloween celebrating?” 

   Some believe a headless horseman.  Some believe candy is the reason.  Others think it’s “the one day I get to be a kid again!”  I think it’s just another holiday that some company created to make money.  Perhaps colonial dentists had the idea to get us all to pig out on tooth rotting sugar?  Maybe cosmetic companies started the tradition to sell makeup?  I guess it could even be a broom company who decided they needed a mascot.   “I got it, Witches!” 

  The fact is, even Wikipediahas a hard time explaining what the heck Halloween is and where it’s origins lie.  I don’t mean LIE!  That’s just it,  it’s all a sham.  We’ve been duped.  Mothers day is an example of a crooked holiday.  It’s a popular belief that Hallmark created the annual celebration to sell it’s lame limericks.  Others say it was a woman back in 1905 who was concerned over mothers being neglected by their kids.  In 1905?  I think they had other concerns to worry about like Typhoid and Scarlet Fever.  I’m going with Hallmark.  I believe that the tooth fairy was also probably created for profit.  Maybe by the US mint?  Maybe even a pillow company?  New Years likely had some calendar company behind it.  Arbor day was surely created by some guy selling garden trowels and so on.

    I too like to party but I want to do it on my terms and not  to profit some sneaky corporate guy.  Presidents days is just about the only day I don’t feel guilty celebrating.  There’s no hidden marketing agenda.  I almost always buy a car that weekend.  This years top Halloween costumes will surely be Palin, Bush and my boss.   A few “sluts” will be sprinkled in too, which is great.  Some guy in accounting named Craig will wear a white shirt with a bunch of stuff written on it waiting to tell people he’s “Craigslist.”  A few will phone it in with their Letterman jackets or even just sweats an a headband to be “athletes.”  Several will simply appear too fat to pull off whatever character they are impersonating.  My boss will show that he’s a fun guy by wearing a 70’s leisure suit.   I need this stupid job so I’ll give in and spend too much time and money on a lame attempt at a clever pop culture reference.  It also needs to be run by HR before it’s approved.  The winner gets an extra sick day added to their file so I’m giving it all I got in hopes that I can use that sick day on the next halloween party.  Which is scheduled for October 11th of 2009.        

By Billy Rubin

Comic Wonder Regional Director of Family Relations.

Comic Wonder asked me to write an occasional blog about my experiences as a new dad. They have sorta made me the Regional Director of Family Relations or something like that. My daughter Hemi is around 14 months old now. I would say she’s a year and 2 months but my wife says that’s not how your describe a babies age. It needs to be in months until they reach around 24 months. Seems like 2 years to me but I’m just along for the ride so 14 months it is.

I was always on Varsity growing up so it’s nearly impossible for me to not bring my “A Game” every time I grab a ball. That’s why it’s tough to spend time with my daughter. Don’t get me wrong, I like hanging out with my baby but she has a hard time keeping up. (Plus, I was working on a 16 beer hangover.) Sports? Forget it, she didn’t even catch a single toss. I even used a larger softball and threw it underhand a couple dozen times. She also has a very low threshold for pain. I’ve pretty much given up on sports with her. That leaves Television.

My wife left me at home to watch her the other day and said “Noggin” is hemi’s favorite channel to watch. I am a Cinemax or SportsCenter guy so this channel was new to me. Noggin was mainly low brow stuff like cartoons and shows with lots of singing or overly excited guys in neon colored clothes. I was excited to see occasional trivia segments and brain teasers. I’m pretty awesome at being smart and stuff. Maybe too smart. This cartoon Moose came on the screen and asked something like “can you tell me which of these cats is orange?” There were only 3 cats on the screen. One was blue, one was green and one was clearly orange. Clearly. It hardly took me any time to answer. My daughter just stared blankly. I don’t even think she tried. Then she stuck most of her foot in her mouth. It could be the beginning of great hurdling form but my gut tells me she’s just lazy. We watched some pointless show with a bunch of buck tooth puppets dancing around and then another trivia segment came on again. 3 cats appeared on the screen and that same Moose said “can you tell me which of these cats has stripes?” I studied all 3 cats carefully and quickly yelled “the one on the f-ing left!” I was right on the money. Too easy. I was sad that my daughter didn’t even venture a guess but I took pride in knowing she could look up to me and be proud of how kick butt her dad is at trivia. Sports, engines, cards and now trivia.

I’m new at this dad stuff but I know my job is to teach and inspire her. That’s why I offered to put all of my division champ trophies in her nursery. My wife didn’t like that idea so I kept them on the mantle. Which is right next to the TV so it’s a great place to show them off. Speaking of which, my godlike abilities grew as we continued watching this Noggin channel for our 3rd straight hour. Trivia and matching games popped up about every half hour and it was like shooting fish in a barrel. I only missed a couple answers and I still think the Moose could have been more clear. I celebrated my impressive run of wits with a tall boy and a shot of Black Velvet. I also think that my girl is impressed by my ability to put away such a large beer in the same time an average guy could chug a 12 ouncer. A tall boy (16 ouncer!) must look massive to her. I pretty much just switched it in to autopilot as hour number 5 watching Noggin came and went. The standings? Baby: ZERO…Daddy: 34 for 40!!!

It occurred to me that perhaps this was counterproductive for my daughter. To be honest…these questions seemed to be aimed at a really dumb audience. When that Moose asked, “which of these can we use to cross the lake? a car…a motorcycle…or a boat?”, I was stunned. “This sh*% is for morons!” I didn’t even want my little girl to learn from idiots like this Moose. It’s not just the cartoon characters either. There was this feminine looking guy with a blue dog who struck me as dim too. He would stare at the screen as ask stuff like “hey, can you help me find the door?” It took him like 30 seconds and the help of that dog to realize he was standing directly in front of it! I can’t believe this clueless wuss is a role model.

By 5:00 that night I realized my daughter and I had watched than channel for around 7 straight hours. We combined efforts for 9 16-ounce tall boys too. I drank em and she watched with admiration…and her foot in her mouth. Although I have more to learn about being a dad I do know that I am already influencing her and teaching her that I am smarter than most of those boobs on TV. Maybe next time we’ll trust my fatherly instincts and watch something a bit more sophisticated and educational. I’m thinking ESPN because it will also help her to finally catch one of my tight spirals.