There are certain celebrities that can get away with just about anything and still keep their street cred.  Alec Baldwin is one of those stars who can turn lemons in to lemon spritzers.  2007 was a year Alec would soon like to forget.  His well-publicized battle with his ex-wife and daughter made news world-wide.  The threatening voicemail he left for his 12-year-old daughter became thing of legend.  Even Pat O’Brien was jealous how much poor judgement Alec could use on the phone.  The difference is that Alec has the seductive voice to pull it off.  Listening to his call sorta made me want to buy an expensive foreign car.  It was unintentional but his voice is just that commanding.

   2008 was another story for Alec, with 30 Rock skyrocketing and his first Emmy win.  It’s a brave new world for Alec where he will have his pick of roles and money to burn. You can deny that Alec is a “great actor” but you can’t deny his vocal chords are made of spun gold.  PURE, Rumpelstiltskin spun gold!  How good is he?  He was able to take a script of ordinary plumbing references and cause massive eargasms around the world for his performance in the Liquid Plumber Foaming Pipe Snake commercial(A reason not to fast forward through commercial breaks!).  Few people on this earth have enough presence to command total awe over something so gross.  He had me daydreaming about riding on the back of the mystical foaming pipe snake as we whirled around my plugged up toilet bowl.  Alec Baldwin is that good.

   Because Alec was able to make Liquid Plumber “hip” (essentially a fluid based turd-buster) I wonder if other advertisers will take those hard to market items and utilize other fascinating celebrities.  Christopher Walken could surely make Cream of Wheat sexy?  I could probably be convinced that I needed a new cheese shredder if Clint Howard said so.  Especially if his brother directed the commercial!  It terrifies me to think of what most of us wouldn’t do for a David Archuleta endorsed ziplock bag?

I’m calling “B S” on all this Halloween costume stuff!  My boss sent out an email this week reminding us that “The mandatory annual company costume contest is scheduled for October 23rd!”  I’m bothered for several reasons.  #1) Mandatory humiliation.  #2)  October 23rd is a Thursday and  over a week before the recognized “Holiday.”  It lands on a Thursday because the bosses have learned that if they do it on Fridays more people will call in sick. 

   I ride the bus.  This creates several issue on dress up holidays.  I don’t want to be one of the pathetic jerks wearing a half ass costume on the city bus at 5:30am.  Especially a week before it’s technically expected.  Perhaps I should dress up like a bum with puke on my beard so I can just blend in?.  Oh, but that’s not “PC” or “in good taste.”  Like making your underpaid employees show up in face paint and itchy wigs is any better.  The annual torture that is Halloween got me thinking: “What exactly is Halloween celebrating?” 

   Some believe a headless horseman.  Some believe candy is the reason.  Others think it’s “the one day I get to be a kid again!”  I think it’s just another holiday that some company created to make money.  Perhaps colonial dentists had the idea to get us all to pig out on tooth rotting sugar?  Maybe cosmetic companies started the tradition to sell makeup?  I guess it could even be a broom company who decided they needed a mascot.   “I got it, Witches!” 

  The fact is, even Wikipediahas a hard time explaining what the heck Halloween is and where it’s origins lie.  I don’t mean LIE!  That’s just it,  it’s all a sham.  We’ve been duped.  Mothers day is an example of a crooked holiday.  It’s a popular belief that Hallmark created the annual celebration to sell it’s lame limericks.  Others say it was a woman back in 1905 who was concerned over mothers being neglected by their kids.  In 1905?  I think they had other concerns to worry about like Typhoid and Scarlet Fever.  I’m going with Hallmark.  I believe that the tooth fairy was also probably created for profit.  Maybe by the US mint?  Maybe even a pillow company?  New Years likely had some calendar company behind it.  Arbor day was surely created by some guy selling garden trowels and so on.

    I too like to party but I want to do it on my terms and not  to profit some sneaky corporate guy.  Presidents days is just about the only day I don’t feel guilty celebrating.  There’s no hidden marketing agenda.  I almost always buy a car that weekend.  This years top Halloween costumes will surely be Palin, Bush and my boss.   A few “sluts” will be sprinkled in too, which is great.  Some guy in accounting named Craig will wear a white shirt with a bunch of stuff written on it waiting to tell people he’s “Craigslist.”  A few will phone it in with their Letterman jackets or even just sweats an a headband to be “athletes.”  Several will simply appear too fat to pull off whatever character they are impersonating.  My boss will show that he’s a fun guy by wearing a 70’s leisure suit.   I need this stupid job so I’ll give in and spend too much time and money on a lame attempt at a clever pop culture reference.  It also needs to be run by HR before it’s approved.  The winner gets an extra sick day added to their file so I’m giving it all I got in hopes that I can use that sick day on the next halloween party.  Which is scheduled for October 11th of 2009.        

OMG! I am so sick of hearing about the Olympics!  So like what’s the big deal anyways?  I heard they’re in China and all but I guess I don’t really get the excitement.  Although friend says they have some of the best Chinese food on the planet.  It’s like “oh wow, you ran really fast!”  I feel like mass of the Olympic sports aren’t even fun.  Long Jumping?  Javelining?  Fencinging?  Those are so lame.  Like, NO THANKS!  They should make the Olympics about sports and stuff that we all like to do.  

My friend is like the fastest ever on finding suff on the internet.  One time I was like “I wish I could find a decent spa to get a  vichy detox wrap at” and he was like “I’ll google it.”  In like 10 seconds he found a spa that was like perfect.  He can always find stuff online super fast.  I told him that he’s “the fastest googler on the planet.”  I bet he is.  That would be a fun Olympic sport to watch.  I also have a girlfriend who can fall alseep in like 30 seconds.  Even at a loud nightclub.  They should have a competition where people are hooked up to like electro machines that can tell who falls asleep the fastest.  It would be so cool because you would be like super lazy and an athlete at the same time.

I also think that the sports should be more like the stuff we grew up learning. Soak em, freeze tag, scarf juggling and stuff like that.  Maybe even dress up games.  It could be fun to have like all the countries compete it best dress up.  Americans could have like flowing dresses and stuff and other countries like South Africa, such as, could wear like other stuff that they think is pretty.

I’m just saying that all of this hype around the Olympics is sorta annoying because even my magazines are wasting time talking about the athletes and not what Brangelina’s nursery looks like.  I can celebrate best barista in the world or even like the hottest hand bag designer but Taekwondoing eachother is like lame.

I’m taking a break from working out to award “benroach90” as the Comic Wonder of the Week. His joke “MD Penis Theft” was a hit at the gym where I work out. 7 days a week.

In addition to the cash prize and fame that comes with being this week’s winner, Benro (I don’t have time to write out his full name - although I realize that typing out this disclaimer probably took up more time) is also in the running to become Comic Wonder of the Year! Think of the fame that comes with a title like that!

It’s like when I won the Southern Regional Intermediate Peck Deck Power lifting title at Shrugfest 97′. I couldn’t walk into a supplement store without some tight shirted employee falling all over themselves to get my technique tips. I haven’t paid for my stretch mark body butter ever since. Just helping you to understand what winning the Comic Wonder title could be like.

Keep the jokes coming and remember to stay hydrated. I don’t want any of you cramping up during a punch line.

Hughe Mongis
Comic Wonder Fitness Consultant & author of “The spiritual guide to effective bar bouncing.”

Living in WI you can see your fare share of beer bellies - or…are they?

Check this out - the beerbelly - a device that looks like a true blue beer belly, when it’s actually a beer, well -you name it - dispenser. No kidding! This is perfect for taking beverages into your next ball game, roaming the mall with your wife, sitting in a boring class - wherever!

Here’s what the site says:

“Made up of an insulated neoprene sling and a polyurethane bladder connected to a drinking tube, the Beerbelly® holds over a half gallon of amber nectar and it will stay cold for hours with the optional freezer pack. Amazing, right? Okay, so you’ll look a little chubby when wearing it, but who gives a XXXX when you can stealth swig your favorite brew wherever you may roam.”

What does this have to do with joke-telling you might ask? Nothing - I just thought it was pretty sweet and wanted to share the good news.

My husband and I have zero will power, we always seem to find a later, better date to give up our vices, live healthier, and stay home more. But, I have to say, we have a hell of a time and a lot of fun.

This includes drinking - I will go out saying to myself that I’m going to behave and the next thing I know it’s my third glass of wine at the Redroom and we’re moving to Bayview for more. Maybe it’s that I surround myself with other people that have no will power and we are all evil bar flies. Maybe it’s because I love being in social settings, love heading out for a refreshing beverage, and love going out in Milwaukee - and so does my husband. Also, why is it that the nights you’re going out for “just one” always seem to be the most fun and leave you feeling the worst for work the next day?

Anyway, there is something to be said for sitting among friends and telling funny bar jokes, especially if you have a laid back bartender who has heard them all! Last week we swapped jokes with the bartender at the Plainfield Pub, in Milwaukee. Good times.

Some things to remember when telling a bar joke. First, keep it short - you may not know the number of consumed bevies (aka beverages) of your audience. Second, keep it simple. See the ‘keep it short’ for the same reasoning. Third, take into consideration who you’re telling and where you are. For instance, nothing good can come from telling a redneck joke at a Nascar bar! Or, you could be the hit of the place - who knows!

Here are some great ones to practice and tell while you’re warming a bar stool:

• 3 shots of whiskey
• Drinking Buddies
• Another Irish Joke

Click here for more great bar jokes.
Now hit your local bar and start telling some jokes - I promise, you’ll be the hit of the place!

I have a confession.  I read articles just for the comments. I wasn’t always this superficial, but alas this is the person I have become.

My mind boggles at the simple fact that millions of us find time each day to comment on some poor person’s post. Although the vast majority of comments fall into the simple”like it or lump it” variety, an occasional comment demonstrates the mark of inspired genius.  I live for that moment of discovery.  And evidently, I’m not alone.

For those of us addicted to funny comments, we spend countless hours on YouTube reading and commenting on the comments without ever watching the video.  When we find that brilliant comment, we celebrate the victory by quickly forwarding it to all our friends.

In that spirit, I must share. The following funny comment was posted on Craigslist last year.  The post was in response to a young woman’s (25) blatant attempt to find her sugar daddy. The fact that someone took the time to pen such a perfect e-epistle gives me hope for humanity.

So, without any further ado, here is: “What am I doing wrong?”

While many college students are currently in the throws of March Madness (click here to see a funny video of two guys filling out their brackets for this year) and are joined together screaming at the TV, other times they actually are hard at work studying and *occasionally* taking a break and going online. Things have definitely changed since I started college eleven years ago, I don’t remember any sites like this, which - is probably a good thing. Actually - I didn’t even have a computer, so there you go.

Here are the major sites I found that college kids are active on - all have jokes, videos, pictures and a lot of college followers.  After reading the comments and videos - let’s hope some of these kids never want to become president!

• College Humor
• College Clown
• College Slackers
• Points in Case

If you’re in college and not active on these you better get going, it seems to be the thing to do.  Oh…to be in college again and get to lay around your dorm room, mess around online, drink cheap beer and eat crappy food. What a life!