I’m proud to say that I’m a survivor.  I’ve seen a lot in my 86 years but yesterdays visit to Wallsave was a terrifying experience.  I live in an assisted thriving community now called the Eternityshire Estates.  Our shuttle takes residents in to the city twice a week.  I decided it was time to stock up on Dinty Moore beef stew and such so I packed my hip wallet with my money and meds. 

   When we arrived at our drop off I was a bit confused to see that my old trustee Pay-n-Prosper had been torn down and replaced with a new gigantic building called “Wallsave: Santa Fe”  Apparently it’s like the other Wallsaves around the country with a bit of Santa Fe flare.  I noticed the food court was painted like the desert.  Even the security fellow had an embroidered badge patch in the shape of a cactus.  It seemed like a pleasant enough store but the sheer size of it overwhelmed me a bit.  I wouldn’t have worn my nylon socks if I knew I would be doing this much walking.

    After wandering for a half hour or so I made it through the greeting area and headed for the sign marked “beauty care.”  I was in need of some cold cream and deodorant.  I have never been to reliant on perfumes or anti-perspirants in the past but our resident advisor issued a notice that all resident need to use scented under arm care products as of the first of the month.  I am on my 3rd notice so I decided that I would just buy something that smelled nice and be done with it. 

   The deodorant section wasn’t easy to find at first but a young many in a burnt amber vest directed me to a long isle that was as colorful as my favorite holiday sweater.  Every color imaginable and almost as many brand names.  I was alarmed to discover that all of them appeared to have different smells too.  I called over the young fella to help me out and that’s when the horror began. 

   He began to read of names like “Arctic Ice Crystal Blast, Powder Blast with Molten Lava Fusion Crystals, Titanium Clean Extreme Raw, Magma Fresh With AmourPiercing Floral Bullets, Mercury Scent Insanity 2, Scent Of Leather Berry With Almond Roca Gel, Atomic Blast Boquet and Original Scent”  Then he noticed they were out of original scent.  Although there was nearly 700 scents to choose from I was more intimidated by the idea that people had apparently evolved to become extremely stinky.   What happened to Powder?  Fresh? Clean?  Unscented?  They have all been transformed and blended with the forces of nature to become Frankendeodorants. 

   It seems to me that if our scientists spent half as much time on cures for disease as they do on new antiperspirants we would be living in a better world.  A healthier world.  One that already smells like fresh powder.  With normal scented people fusion.  At least that’s what I plan on telling my resident advisor.  I may have walked away without deodorant but I feel lucky have escapedwith my life and arm pits in tact.  Besides, I hate to break a 2 dollar bill on meaningless purchases like Ocean Burst Advanced with Barnacle Mist Crystals.

I nearly lost my teeth laughing at this week’s winning joke, “Breakfast at the White House,” as told by Skez63. Ironically, I don’t even wear dentures. I laughed that hard. Once again Skez63 is the big man on campus and will live out another week knowing that he is the best. He’s the kind of guy I would want to take the Sadie Hawkins dance. There’s a saying “make a woman laugh and you’re halfway in to her heart.” I would like to add “if you make a woman laugh so hard she pee’s a little…well…then she’s marriage material.”

Skez63 seems to be a genuine charmer and he’s clearly in the running for Comic Wonder of the Year. In addition to the cash and other prizes, I’m in discussion with the Comic Wonder International Prize Patrol to possibly include an assortment of things from my basement. I’ve got tons of old shoes that the kids hardly ever wore and a great deal of old vases that I don’t have much use for. I’ll work on my prize pack and all of you continue working on your jokes.

With the elections approaching I think it’s a good time to follow Skez63’s lead and try to find the best political jokes you can find. I haven’t voted since Herbert Hoover (1929-33) but I try to keep up on the names. I think that Borat fella has a pretty good chance. So find your best jokes about politics and do your country a great service by sharing them with all of us. The Comic Wonder International Militia is currently signing a petition to impose a joke telling draft. We hate for it to come to that but these tough times and we can’t let the humorless win. Do it for all of the great comics who have made us laugh over the years - Jacky Benny, Red Skelton, George Carlin and Carrot Top. It’s your doodie. And your duty.

Posted by:

Brandy Chuggin
Comic Wonder Regional VP of Senior Humor Relations & Author of “Crochet: The cognitive revolution and historical perspective!”

Comic Wonder crossed the pond!

Jeff Fitzsimmons, the Co-founder and Creative Director of Comic Wonder, along with Captainhilariousness, the 2007 Comic Wonder of the Year winner, joined the UK radio giant Graham Mack for a little chat and a lot of laughs.

Check it out under the July 9th “Mack Nuggets” or click here to have a listen. The interview is about 7 minutes into the audio, but it’s funny material while you wait - guaranteed!

I’ve got a 2 dollar bill and some Seltzer for this week’s winner named “Skez63.” The names that parents are giving kids these days really sour my soup. What happened to respectable names like Abel and Marvin?

Anywho, I guess you all enjoyed Skez63’s rendition of “Foreskins and Matzo Balls.” I never cared much for jokes and boners but I’m contractually obligated to help hand out these awards from time to time nonetheless. And besides, my Doctor says the typing helps with my circulation.

My late husband (rest his soul) would have been so proud to know that his efforts in The Good War helped to pave the way for us to be able to award someone for making a joke with “foreskin” in the title. Gives me goosebumps.

So good job Mr Skez63! Drink responsibly and just say no!

They want me to remind you about the many new features on the Comic Wonder and to promote my new blog but Golden Girls is starting and the cream of celery is boiling. Good luck next week competitors and do us all a favor and turn down your nonsense music. It’s meant to be heard…not felt. The nurse isn’t here to show me how to shut down this intermail stuff so I’ll just stop typing and walk away. Never cared much for electricity doohickies anyhow.

XOXO

~ Brandy Chuggin
Comic Wonder Regional VP of Senior Humor Relations & Author of “Crochet: A Historical Perspective of The Cognitive Revolution.

Last night I became statistic. I became one of the 18 million Americans who have been “Rickrolled.” I’m still recovering from the traumatic experience.

So, what is Rick Rolling, you wonder? According Wikipedia:

 Rickrolling is a prank and Internet meme involving the music video for the 1987 Rick Astley song “Never Gonna Give You Up“. The meme is a classic bait and switch: a person provides a Web link they claim is relevant to the topic at hand, but the link actually takes the user to the Astley video. The URL can be masked or obfuscated in some manner so that the user cannot determine the true source of the link without clicking (and thus satisfying their curiosity). By extension, it can also mean playing the song loudly in public in order to be disruptive.^[1] A person who falls for the prank is said to have been “Rickrolled”. 

Here’s how it happened to me. I was chilling out last night, perusing jokes on Comic Wonder, when I clicked on one of StabbytheClown’s jokes. Half way through the joke, out of nowhere, BAM!—I got Rickrolled.

Here’s a link to the offending joke: http://www.comicwonder.com/joke/8a46a9b4a. If anything, it’s a great way to learn how to set up a Rickroll. Also, here’s another link to Rickrolling: http://www.yougotrickrolled.com/

Me, I’ve learned two things from this episode: One is never trust a clown. The other thing I’ve learned is that …

 Time and time again it’s true
Girl I want to be with you
Every night and every day, yeah

And girl, therefore:

Never gonna give up on love
(I’ll never)
Never gonna give up on you
Never gonna give up on us
(I’ll never)
After all we’ve been through
Never gonna give up my heart
(I’ll never)
To no one but you
Never gonna give up on love
Never gonna give up on you, yeah 

Oh the humanity! Will somebody please get this song out of my head! Curse you, StabbytheClown, whoever you are!

By now I’m sure everyone has heard of wikiHow - I love it. Yesterday I learned how to make an origami samurai helmet and tomorrow, who knows!

If you’ve been hanging under a rock - here’s what it is: wikiHow is a collaborative writing project to build the largest, highest quality how-to manual.

Today, I stumbled on How to Make Chuck Norris Jokes - ummmm….sweet! Here’s a little blurb on what you’re getting into with this, “Have you ever heard a Chuck Norris joke? If you have, you shouldn’t have. They are simply facts, nothing more. Chuck Norris has the power to kick your butt into not next week, but the next life. Remember that. With this article, you will learn how to express Chuck’s awesomeness.”

Here’s a great tip from the article:

Chuck Norris is ultimate. Never forget it. Here’s a common joke.

• One day Chuck Norris visited Virgin Island. Now it’s just an island.

I was talking with my mom the other day about something I had to get done, but that I didn’t want to do at all. She said she knew doing “it” would be a “bitter pill for me to swallow,” but that I had to do it because … blah blah blah …

I soon found myself staring at the opening and closing mouth as she dispensed her sage advice, which went in one ear and out the other. The problem was, you see, I couldn’t stop obsessing on the figure of speech she had just used.

A bitter pill to swallow!? Hmm …

It makes little sense when you think about it. In fact, the only way this oft-used saying makes sense is if we rephrase it to “A bitter pill to chew.” But who chews a bitter pill? Exactly! Nobody chews a bitter pill. That’s why we swallow pills—because they are bitter!

Then later that day one of my neighbors commented on another neighbor’s newborn baby. She said the baby was “Cute as a button.” Well, what’s so cute about a button?

Here is a picture of a button. This is cute?

Then you’ve got people who are “worry warts.” What does worrying about things have to do with warts? I think warts are totally disgusting and I certainly do not want one, but I don’t spend all my time worrying about getting them.

“Who let the cat out of the bag?” How about, “Who put the cat in the bag?” And why? Did they get scratched while putting the cat in a bag? I hope they did because forcing a cat into a bag—or a hat—is mean.

“A little bird told me that …” A little bird told you something? You need psychological help.

“A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” Fine, but let’s see a bicycle take a fish out for dinner and a movie!

“Beware of Greeks baring gifts.” Or, sorry Mr. Papadapolous, but I can’t accept this present.

“I have nothing to declare but my genius.” Well, if you’re a genius shouldn’t you have the sense to not be such a braggart?

Anyway, this is the type of stuff I think about when I know I should be working.

Golf season is finally upon us and the Comic Wonder members are getting in the spirit by signing in and telling their favorite golf jokes. I put together a list of my favorites - if you’re a golfer, I think you will definitely get a kick out of these:

• A woman gets stung while golfing by Tommyboy
• The barn and the ball by grandpa bob
• Perfect golf by wellsy
• FORE!!!!!!!! by sideshow1331
• A hole in one by captainhilariousness 
• Slow golfers by Adubya
• Par for the course by sideshow1331
• Long golf game by RareBlueMonkey
• A Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister by trouth2o
• Golf with the boss by Adubya 
• Jeff and Mike are golfing by RareBlueMonkey

My husband and I have zero will power, we always seem to find a later, better date to give up our vices, live healthier, and stay home more. But, I have to say, we have a hell of a time and a lot of fun.

This includes drinking - I will go out saying to myself that I’m going to behave and the next thing I know it’s my third glass of wine at the Redroom and we’re moving to Bayview for more. Maybe it’s that I surround myself with other people that have no will power and we are all evil bar flies. Maybe it’s because I love being in social settings, love heading out for a refreshing beverage, and love going out in Milwaukee - and so does my husband. Also, why is it that the nights you’re going out for “just one” always seem to be the most fun and leave you feeling the worst for work the next day?

Anyway, there is something to be said for sitting among friends and telling funny bar jokes, especially if you have a laid back bartender who has heard them all! Last week we swapped jokes with the bartender at the Plainfield Pub, in Milwaukee. Good times.

Some things to remember when telling a bar joke. First, keep it short - you may not know the number of consumed bevies (aka beverages) of your audience. Second, keep it simple. See the ‘keep it short’ for the same reasoning. Third, take into consideration who you’re telling and where you are. For instance, nothing good can come from telling a redneck joke at a Nascar bar! Or, you could be the hit of the place - who knows!

Here are some great ones to practice and tell while you’re warming a bar stool:

• 3 shots of whiskey
• Drinking Buddies
• Another Irish Joke

Click here for more great bar jokes.
Now hit your local bar and start telling some jokes - I promise, you’ll be the hit of the place!

I hope everyone is getting ready to celebrate their mom this Sunday, I know I am. I just read it’s the day of the year with the most calls placed. Come on - do people really rely on a Hallmark holiday to pick up the phone? What about calling on Parent’s Day - yeah, that’s a holiday too (I wonder who thought up that one)! I’m excited because I get to see my mom this year and I have the most loving mom and mother-in-law (you both are still reading my posts, right?)

There isn’t too much you can do to make fun of your mom, especially on Mother’s Day. But, I found the below pretty - well, cute. Still trying to think of what you can do for your mom? Make her laugh! Check out our site for some great jokes to tell her.

A dictionary for mothers:

• Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
• Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside
• Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert
• Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
• Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots
• Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him
• Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right
• Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid
• Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it
• Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own
• Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it
• Show off: A child who is more talented than yours
• Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it
• Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies
• Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises
• Verbal: Able to whine in words
• Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house
• Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”