There are certain celebrities that can get away with just about anything and still keep their street cred.  Alec Baldwin is one of those stars who can turn lemons in to lemon spritzers.  2007 was a year Alec would soon like to forget.  His well-publicized battle with his ex-wife and daughter made news world-wide.  The threatening voicemail he left for his 12-year-old daughter became thing of legend.  Even Pat O’Brien was jealous how much poor judgement Alec could use on the phone.  The difference is that Alec has the seductive voice to pull it off.  Listening to his call sorta made me want to buy an expensive foreign car.  It was unintentional but his voice is just that commanding.

   2008 was another story for Alec, with 30 Rock skyrocketing and his first Emmy win.  It’s a brave new world for Alec where he will have his pick of roles and money to burn. You can deny that Alec is a “great actor” but you can’t deny his vocal chords are made of spun gold.  PURE, Rumpelstiltskin spun gold!  How good is he?  He was able to take a script of ordinary plumbing references and cause massive eargasms around the world for his performance in the Liquid Plumber Foaming Pipe Snake commercial(A reason not to fast forward through commercial breaks!).  Few people on this earth have enough presence to command total awe over something so gross.  He had me daydreaming about riding on the back of the mystical foaming pipe snake as we whirled around my plugged up toilet bowl.  Alec Baldwin is that good.

   Because Alec was able to make Liquid Plumber “hip” (essentially a fluid based turd-buster) I wonder if other advertisers will take those hard to market items and utilize other fascinating celebrities.  Christopher Walken could surely make Cream of Wheat sexy?  I could probably be convinced that I needed a new cheese shredder if Clint Howard said so.  Especially if his brother directed the commercial!  It terrifies me to think of what most of us wouldn’t do for a David Archuleta endorsed ziplock bag?

I’m calling “B S” on all this Halloween costume stuff!  My boss sent out an email this week reminding us that “The mandatory annual company costume contest is scheduled for October 23rd!”  I’m bothered for several reasons.  #1) Mandatory humiliation.  #2)  October 23rd is a Thursday and  over a week before the recognized “Holiday.”  It lands on a Thursday because the bosses have learned that if they do it on Fridays more people will call in sick. 

   I ride the bus.  This creates several issue on dress up holidays.  I don’t want to be one of the pathetic jerks wearing a half ass costume on the city bus at 5:30am.  Especially a week before it’s technically expected.  Perhaps I should dress up like a bum with puke on my beard so I can just blend in?.  Oh, but that’s not “PC” or “in good taste.”  Like making your underpaid employees show up in face paint and itchy wigs is any better.  The annual torture that is Halloween got me thinking: “What exactly is Halloween celebrating?” 

   Some believe a headless horseman.  Some believe candy is the reason.  Others think it’s “the one day I get to be a kid again!”  I think it’s just another holiday that some company created to make money.  Perhaps colonial dentists had the idea to get us all to pig out on tooth rotting sugar?  Maybe cosmetic companies started the tradition to sell makeup?  I guess it could even be a broom company who decided they needed a mascot.   “I got it, Witches!” 

  The fact is, even Wikipediahas a hard time explaining what the heck Halloween is and where it’s origins lie.  I don’t mean LIE!  That’s just it,  it’s all a sham.  We’ve been duped.  Mothers day is an example of a crooked holiday.  It’s a popular belief that Hallmark created the annual celebration to sell it’s lame limericks.  Others say it was a woman back in 1905 who was concerned over mothers being neglected by their kids.  In 1905?  I think they had other concerns to worry about like Typhoid and Scarlet Fever.  I’m going with Hallmark.  I believe that the tooth fairy was also probably created for profit.  Maybe by the US mint?  Maybe even a pillow company?  New Years likely had some calendar company behind it.  Arbor day was surely created by some guy selling garden trowels and so on.

    I too like to party but I want to do it on my terms and not  to profit some sneaky corporate guy.  Presidents days is just about the only day I don’t feel guilty celebrating.  There’s no hidden marketing agenda.  I almost always buy a car that weekend.  This years top Halloween costumes will surely be Palin, Bush and my boss.   A few “sluts” will be sprinkled in too, which is great.  Some guy in accounting named Craig will wear a white shirt with a bunch of stuff written on it waiting to tell people he’s “Craigslist.”  A few will phone it in with their Letterman jackets or even just sweats an a headband to be “athletes.”  Several will simply appear too fat to pull off whatever character they are impersonating.  My boss will show that he’s a fun guy by wearing a 70’s leisure suit.   I need this stupid job so I’ll give in and spend too much time and money on a lame attempt at a clever pop culture reference.  It also needs to be run by HR before it’s approved.  The winner gets an extra sick day added to their file so I’m giving it all I got in hopes that I can use that sick day on the next halloween party.  Which is scheduled for October 11th of 2009.        

I’m proud to say that I’m a survivor.  I’ve seen a lot in my 86 years but yesterdays visit to Wallsave was a terrifying experience.  I live in an assisted thriving community now called the Eternityshire Estates.  Our shuttle takes residents in to the city twice a week.  I decided it was time to stock up on Dinty Moore beef stew and such so I packed my hip wallet with my money and meds. 

   When we arrived at our drop off I was a bit confused to see that my old trustee Pay-n-Prosper had been torn down and replaced with a new gigantic building called “Wallsave: Santa Fe”  Apparently it’s like the other Wallsaves around the country with a bit of Santa Fe flare.  I noticed the food court was painted like the desert.  Even the security fellow had an embroidered badge patch in the shape of a cactus.  It seemed like a pleasant enough store but the sheer size of it overwhelmed me a bit.  I wouldn’t have worn my nylon socks if I knew I would be doing this much walking.

    After wandering for a half hour or so I made it through the greeting area and headed for the sign marked “beauty care.”  I was in need of some cold cream and deodorant.  I have never been to reliant on perfumes or anti-perspirants in the past but our resident advisor issued a notice that all resident need to use scented under arm care products as of the first of the month.  I am on my 3rd notice so I decided that I would just buy something that smelled nice and be done with it. 

   The deodorant section wasn’t easy to find at first but a young many in a burnt amber vest directed me to a long isle that was as colorful as my favorite holiday sweater.  Every color imaginable and almost as many brand names.  I was alarmed to discover that all of them appeared to have different smells too.  I called over the young fella to help me out and that’s when the horror began. 

   He began to read of names like “Arctic Ice Crystal Blast, Powder Blast with Molten Lava Fusion Crystals, Titanium Clean Extreme Raw, Magma Fresh With AmourPiercing Floral Bullets, Mercury Scent Insanity 2, Scent Of Leather Berry With Almond Roca Gel, Atomic Blast Boquet and Original Scent”  Then he noticed they were out of original scent.  Although there was nearly 700 scents to choose from I was more intimidated by the idea that people had apparently evolved to become extremely stinky.   What happened to Powder?  Fresh? Clean?  Unscented?  They have all been transformed and blended with the forces of nature to become Frankendeodorants. 

   It seems to me that if our scientists spent half as much time on cures for disease as they do on new antiperspirants we would be living in a better world.  A healthier world.  One that already smells like fresh powder.  With normal scented people fusion.  At least that’s what I plan on telling my resident advisor.  I may have walked away without deodorant but I feel lucky have escapedwith my life and arm pits in tact.  Besides, I hate to break a 2 dollar bill on meaningless purchases like Ocean Burst Advanced with Barnacle Mist Crystals.

It’s super annoying when parents and other old people mistake our hair styles for “just rolling out of bed.” Yeah, it looks this rad by just sleeping on it…NOT! Try several cans of Mega Hold Hair Spray! Not to mention a regular trip to the drug store for some green dye. Or whatever color is currently the most shocking. On any given day we have nearly a dozen products in our hair and we’re tired of the old fart generation refusing to get it.

We don’t want them to accept us. Just don’t confuse our intentionally messy hair for not having combed it at all. It’s NOT BEDHEAD! Although we use that too. The art of getting you hair to look like you didn’t even touch it is getting tougher all the time. The slighted misplaced cowlick can blow the entire statement. Retro can mistaken for Lazy if you’re not careful. Celebrities often get it all wrong.

Because we are in a band we know that image is everything. We don’t just play songs, we scream them. We haven’t ever played our guitars. We WAIL THEM!!! If we had some $9.99 Super Craftmaster Plus cuts we would confuse our audience. Our messages would be lost. Although we don’t have any written lyrics our statement is always clear. “We are rebelling!” At least two weekends a month. None of us have cars so we need to bum rides to gigs or borrow Larry’s step-dads van. He is super paranoid that we will get eyeliner on his seats so sometimes we don’t even bother asking him and just take the bus. Just because our parents live in one of the richest areas in town doesn’t mean we don’t roll public transit. It’s one of the only places where we feel truly at home. You’ll find our gum on most of the back seats. it’s a point of pride.

The important thing is that when we show up at a show ready to thrash, our hair looks like we’re headliners. It’s so perfectly manicured that you would assume we’re either homeless or supernatural. Or somewhere in between. The crowd notices the effort and they respect it. They bob their head to our distorted tunes while our elders shake their head in disappointment. Our parents and other lame old people think we are leaving the house “looking like wrecks.” Yeah, a twisted wreck of GothRock, Rad Hair and and Rebellion! The good news is that Summer is winding down and the windy Fall weather is really great for inspiring new in your face hair trends.

We’ll try to write again soon but we’re all leaving on a family trip to Orlando. We’ve agreed to go to Disney world but I guarantee we’ll get kicked off the Tea Cups.

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Goth For Gigs

(If you are interested in booking us, go to H-E double hockey sticks! We don’t deal with fascist capitalists!)

By Billy Rubin

Comic Wonder Regional Director of Family Relations.

Comic Wonder asked me to write an occasional blog about my experiences as a new dad. They have sorta made me the Regional Director of Family Relations or something like that. My daughter Hemi is around 14 months old now. I would say she’s a year and 2 months but my wife says that’s not how your describe a babies age. It needs to be in months until they reach around 24 months. Seems like 2 years to me but I’m just along for the ride so 14 months it is.

I was always on Varsity growing up so it’s nearly impossible for me to not bring my “A Game” every time I grab a ball. That’s why it’s tough to spend time with my daughter. Don’t get me wrong, I like hanging out with my baby but she has a hard time keeping up. (Plus, I was working on a 16 beer hangover.) Sports? Forget it, she didn’t even catch a single toss. I even used a larger softball and threw it underhand a couple dozen times. She also has a very low threshold for pain. I’ve pretty much given up on sports with her. That leaves Television.

My wife left me at home to watch her the other day and said “Noggin” is hemi’s favorite channel to watch. I am a Cinemax or SportsCenter guy so this channel was new to me. Noggin was mainly low brow stuff like cartoons and shows with lots of singing or overly excited guys in neon colored clothes. I was excited to see occasional trivia segments and brain teasers. I’m pretty awesome at being smart and stuff. Maybe too smart. This cartoon Moose came on the screen and asked something like “can you tell me which of these cats is orange?” There were only 3 cats on the screen. One was blue, one was green and one was clearly orange. Clearly. It hardly took me any time to answer. My daughter just stared blankly. I don’t even think she tried. Then she stuck most of her foot in her mouth. It could be the beginning of great hurdling form but my gut tells me she’s just lazy. We watched some pointless show with a bunch of buck tooth puppets dancing around and then another trivia segment came on again. 3 cats appeared on the screen and that same Moose said “can you tell me which of these cats has stripes?” I studied all 3 cats carefully and quickly yelled “the one on the f-ing left!” I was right on the money. Too easy. I was sad that my daughter didn’t even venture a guess but I took pride in knowing she could look up to me and be proud of how kick butt her dad is at trivia. Sports, engines, cards and now trivia.

I’m new at this dad stuff but I know my job is to teach and inspire her. That’s why I offered to put all of my division champ trophies in her nursery. My wife didn’t like that idea so I kept them on the mantle. Which is right next to the TV so it’s a great place to show them off. Speaking of which, my godlike abilities grew as we continued watching this Noggin channel for our 3rd straight hour. Trivia and matching games popped up about every half hour and it was like shooting fish in a barrel. I only missed a couple answers and I still think the Moose could have been more clear. I celebrated my impressive run of wits with a tall boy and a shot of Black Velvet. I also think that my girl is impressed by my ability to put away such a large beer in the same time an average guy could chug a 12 ouncer. A tall boy (16 ouncer!) must look massive to her. I pretty much just switched it in to autopilot as hour number 5 watching Noggin came and went. The standings? Baby: ZERO…Daddy: 34 for 40!!!

It occurred to me that perhaps this was counterproductive for my daughter. To be honest…these questions seemed to be aimed at a really dumb audience. When that Moose asked, “which of these can we use to cross the lake? a car…a motorcycle…or a boat?”, I was stunned. “This sh*% is for morons!” I didn’t even want my little girl to learn from idiots like this Moose. It’s not just the cartoon characters either. There was this feminine looking guy with a blue dog who struck me as dim too. He would stare at the screen as ask stuff like “hey, can you help me find the door?” It took him like 30 seconds and the help of that dog to realize he was standing directly in front of it! I can’t believe this clueless wuss is a role model.

By 5:00 that night I realized my daughter and I had watched than channel for around 7 straight hours. We combined efforts for 9 16-ounce tall boys too. I drank em and she watched with admiration…and her foot in her mouth. Although I have more to learn about being a dad I do know that I am already influencing her and teaching her that I am smarter than most of those boobs on TV. Maybe next time we’ll trust my fatherly instincts and watch something a bit more sophisticated and educational. I’m thinking ESPN because it will also help her to finally catch one of my tight spirals.

Gas is expensive. It’s getting more so all the time. Mass transit is becoming overloaded with passengers forced to leave their vehicles at home. Fortunately they have that option. Certain professions rely on driving vehicles and perhaps none is more so affected than drive-by criminals. Comic Wonder secured an exclusive interview with an area man who is notorious for his prompt and accountability in the drive by crime sector.

Gat Brandish is a 25 year old who has built a reputation for being the best at what he does. Drive-bys. “It’s not all shooting guns and stuff…it’s also about Molotov cocktails and even like yelling bad stuff at people who you hate.” Gat looked sentimental when he spoke about “the like, olden days and stuff.” “I remember when I could jack some mark for like $30 bucks or whatever and that would fill up my Caprice with gas and leave me extra money for like other stuff. Now I need to beat a dude for like $80 duckets just to fill up my tank. Then I got to find another dude to gank beer money from.” Gat is not alone. In fact, several other area criminals contacted us with similar complaints. Sir Cutz-a-lot is a regionally famous tire slasher who says that due to increasing fuel costs his days of “rolling dirty” are behind him. “I tried taking the downtown bus to the Eastside to get a buster who stepped to me one time but the ride was like 45 minutes and I had to sit next to some dude who stank.”

It’s easy to complain about the price of fuel these days but for most of us it’s merely an inconvenience. For likeable criminals like Gat and Cutz it has become a paralyzing reality that is forcing them in to early retirement. Gat recently considered an opportunity to “roll on some trick” until he learned that it was a nearly 26 mile drive. “I had to duck that one because it’s like mad expensive when you’re rolling on duece dueces.” Gat is referring the popular auto customization of adding larger wheels and thinner tires to vehicles. His 22 inch rims are much larger than the Caprices factory designed rims. An LA Times report stated that “An estimated 20% of your fuel goes to overcoming rolling resistance from tires. The larger the tire, the more rolling resistance.” “I’ve been steady mobbing in that ride for so long I know how to translate the gauges and stuff. If it says like 70, I know I’m doing more like 58.” This is just another example of how high gasoline prices are pimp slapping hoods like Gat.

In a cruel twist of fate, Crime Stoppers recently announced that tips leading to the capture and arrest of wanted criminals you will be rewarded with a $250 gas card. “So like, I gotta chirp on one of my homeys in order to get the snaps for petro?” Gat and others are now finding themselves among the hunters and the hunted.

The next time you are filling up your Neon with $75 dollars in fuel think of those who have it even worse. I think there’s a little Gat in all of us. Since we completed this interview with Gat and Cutz, a man know as “Eddie Machete“, who claims a different set of values, turned in Gat to Police. He was rewarded with a $250 dollar gas card. ” I don’t even have a car so I’ll probably just spend it on Bugles and Combos and stuff like that in their deli.”

Comic Wonder has asked me to do an occasional blog.  I’ll start by saying that it’s usually a rule of mine to NEVER work on holidays.  Although today isn’t a traditional holiday it is an important Anniversary.  This entire month is actually the 40th Anniversary of the introduction of the cubicle.  The moment that we lost our sense of individuality and gained our inner office privacy.  At least from the front and sides.  That aside, I am celebrating this milestone anniversary by doing what most cubicle enslaved droids do when they want to be productive….I’m working from Starbucks.  Despite the recent news of downsizing you can still find a few.  I came to find some inspiration for this blog and I realized that my subject was wiping the raw sugar packet crystals from the bistro tables.  A charming silver haired gentleman was cleaning up after the morning rush.  He was whistling like only someone of his generation could.  It’s a lost art.  I think our tongues have evolved to a less sophisticated design because I have never come close to whistling like my grandad could.  I began feeling sad for this man because here he was in the twilight of his life wiping up coffee drips.  Not that it’s a bad job but it seemed to me that he shouldn’t be working at all.  It’s easy to admire this generation because of all they have been through.  They are known as “The Greatest Generation” because of their experiences with World Wars, The Great Depression (even worse than our current oil crisis) and making due with however little life dealt them.  They are an amazing breed of people who make up for their lack of deodorant with a flare for colorful clothing.  Embroidered hearts and suspenders with jeans are a trademark.  Today’s fashion is a bit more provocative.  Swap the embroidered hearts for sayings like “juicy”and “hottie.”  Then place those slogans on the rear end of tight pants.  You get the point.  This Greatest Generation have bruises and veins that seem to have stories to tell.  Stories of struggle, perseverance and pride.  They are to be honored and celebrated.  The Greatest Generation by Tom Brokaw is a great testament to this idea.  It’s this well intended introduction that leads me to my controversial point.  If you visit a community pool on a regular basis you will likely appreciate my concern.  It pains me to say it but…The Greatest Generation has the WORST BODIES!  I know this first hand because I frequent a community aquatics center that is literally teeming with senior citizens.  Stripped down, completely, totally and utterly nude senior citizens.  It’s definitely a generational thing.  Public showers are to the Greatest Generation what ipods are to Gen X & Y.  They MUST use them.  They are compelled to.  When swim trunks will do, they opt for stark nudity.  You know the bank of showers that you’ll find in the average locker room?  That’s where you will find them.  Forget the showers featuring curtains or partitions.  Nope, they choose the wide open spaces.  Good long showers that leads to a great deal of lather and body fold inspection.  We all know the graphic reality of a thorough wash up but we usually reserve that for the privacy of our home.  Alone.  No innocent bystanders to traumatize.  This generation seems to be as comfortable waltzing nude across the entire locker room as they are complaining about the poor quality food they “just paid $4 dollars for at the Golden Spork Buffet.”  Their spider veins, mole clusters & oozing hair sprouts are all the armor they wear in these situations.  It’s the complete and utter nudity that is the issue here.  Proctologists have dealt with less graphic scenarios.  Even the walk to their locker is done in the buck.  I’m not sure they even own towels.  To be totally honest?  I am insanely jealous.  It’s not for the thrill and it’s not anything sexual.  It’s simply the greatest generation doing something they do naturally.  Very naturally.

Comic Wonder crossed the pond!

Jeff Fitzsimmons, the Co-founder and Creative Director of Comic Wonder, along with Captainhilariousness, the 2007 Comic Wonder of the Year winner, joined the UK radio giant Graham Mack for a little chat and a lot of laughs.

Check it out under the July 9th “Mack Nuggets” or click here to have a listen. The interview is about 7 minutes into the audio, but it’s funny material while you wait - guaranteed!