As the Olympic basketball tournament enters its elimination round, fans have one question: can USA Basketball take home the gold? With a team of world-class athletes from the country that invented the sport, they should dominate the competition like China dominates its ethnic minorities, but they didn’t even medal four years ago. It turns out FIBA (which stands for International Basketball, somehow) is a much different game than the NBA. The 5 main differences:

1. The FIBA rulebook ignores NBA Rule 585.67B: ” If Lebron James charges into the lane, cradling the basketball in his arms, and dunks the ball while knocking down an opposing player trying to get out of the way, the opposing player will be charged with a foul.”

2. Teams are allowed to play five white guys at the same time.

3. Uniform numbers are metric, forcing Kobe to wear number 21.94.

4.International referees are completely corrupt. While this is also true of NBA refs, the FIBA refs are controlled by the European Mafia—bribing them is a complex process that can take months, involve dozens of intermediaries, and require sending seven boiled lobsters to the Prime Minister of Andorra.

5. The 3-point line is three feet closer. Seriously, this is extremely important.

OMG! I am so sick of hearing about the Olympics!  So like what’s the big deal anyways?  I heard they’re in China and all but I guess I don’t really get the excitement.  Although friend says they have some of the best Chinese food on the planet.  It’s like “oh wow, you ran really fast!”  I feel like mass of the Olympic sports aren’t even fun.  Long Jumping?  Javelining?  Fencinging?  Those are so lame.  Like, NO THANKS!  They should make the Olympics about sports and stuff that we all like to do.  

My friend is like the fastest ever on finding suff on the internet.  One time I was like “I wish I could find a decent spa to get a  vichy detox wrap at” and he was like “I’ll google it.”  In like 10 seconds he found a spa that was like perfect.  He can always find stuff online super fast.  I told him that he’s “the fastest googler on the planet.”  I bet he is.  That would be a fun Olympic sport to watch.  I also have a girlfriend who can fall alseep in like 30 seconds.  Even at a loud nightclub.  They should have a competition where people are hooked up to like electro machines that can tell who falls asleep the fastest.  It would be so cool because you would be like super lazy and an athlete at the same time.

I also think that the sports should be more like the stuff we grew up learning. Soak em, freeze tag, scarf juggling and stuff like that.  Maybe even dress up games.  It could be fun to have like all the countries compete it best dress up.  Americans could have like flowing dresses and stuff and other countries like South Africa, such as, could wear like other stuff that they think is pretty.

I’m just saying that all of this hype around the Olympics is sorta annoying because even my magazines are wasting time talking about the athletes and not what Brangelina’s nursery looks like.  I can celebrate best barista in the world or even like the hottest hand bag designer but Taekwondoing eachother is like lame.

Golf season is finally upon us and the Comic Wonder members are getting in the spirit by signing in and telling their favorite golf jokes. I put together a list of my favorites - if you’re a golfer, I think you will definitely get a kick out of these:

• A woman gets stung while golfing by Tommyboy
• The barn and the ball by grandpa bob
• Perfect golf by wellsy
• FORE!!!!!!!! by sideshow1331
• A hole in one by captainhilariousness 
• Slow golfers by Adubya
• Par for the course by sideshow1331
• Long golf game by RareBlueMonkey
• A Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister by trouth2o
• Golf with the boss by Adubya 
• Jeff and Mike are golfing by RareBlueMonkey

It’s that time of year, golfers are hitting the greens and golf jokes are starting to come in on our site. I am not a golf expert, actually I have never even played golf. But, I live with a golf pro whose motto is if there’s no snow on the ground, it’s open season to golf.

The funny thing about golf for me is that everyone gets excited to go out and golf, “let’s get some beer, some cigars, and have a great time on the course,” I hear the guys say. My husband will wake up early, go through some pretty bizarre pre-game stretching rituals and heads to the course smiling, prepared to have one hell of a day and golf better than all his friends, I’m sure. But, it always sounds like something very different happens when they actually get to the course.

This sounds more like their golfing days…after the first shot is fired the first f-bomb is also fired into the air, and soon after that the first club is tossed further than the last shot traveled. They all stop talking, and my husband’s most mile mannered friend turns into the incredible hulk and every shot sends him into more and more rage. Often times the words “I hate this game” or “why did we even come out here” are muttered. Now, maybe I’m just not getting it, but this doesn’t sound like much fun to me. But, one thing seems to always save the day for them - just when they think the day could not get any worse, from the distance comes the beautiful sound of a cart headed the wrong way up the fairway. Now when this happens I’m sure their eyes get wide, the smiles come back, and they begin to salivate. The cart brings the only thing that could possibly calm them down and that, as we all know, is an ice cold beer from the cart girl. Then, when the first beer is cracked they begin talking about the 19th hole. Regardless how bad they played that day, they sit back, relax, and drink the bad shots away and say their what-ifs…what if I didn’t hit that one out of bounds, what if I would have made that putt, what if I just wouldn’t have chucked that one. Ahhh, the 19th hole.

Then, even if they played awful they begin to think about the next time they can get together and do it all over again. So stressful and yet so fun.

For some great golf jokes, click here.

Professional athletes are, by virtue of their trade, good at sports. Most of them can rightfully be called “super-humans” in terms of raw physical ability; they can run faster, jump higher, and hit harder than most of us could ever imagine. If you’re an armchair quarterback and often find yourself thinking “I could do that if I really wanted to” as you watch the professionals play football on Sundays, you need only reference SpikeTV’s “Pros vs. Joes” (current season’s episodes air at 11pm Eastern Time), in which amateur athletes are matched up against the likes of Hall of Famers Jerry Rice and Bo Jackson in various competitions that simulate pro football. It’s kind of like American Gladiators, if you stripped AG of its professional wrestling theatrics (goofy nicknames, even goofier outfits) and replaced the gladiators with real athletes and not just muscle-bound steroid freaks. On the whole, the “Challengers” on American Gladiators—the amateurs, that is—tend to fare much better than the “Joes” on “Pros vs. Joes.” That is to say: the Joes usually get the shit kicked out of them.

As it turns out, most of us regular Joes—no matter how dutifully we work out—can’t hang with the Pros for more than a step or two, if that.

Unfortunately, a professional athlete’s ability often bears no correlation to his mental ability. Many pro athletes are as dumb as they are good—or even dumber if you’ve followed the headlines in the past year. There are various schools of thought when it comes to this—too much money, too much attention—but to me, it all comes down to this: one’s ability to avoid would-be tacklers while running with an oval-shaped sphere invariably says nothing of one’s ability to avoid drunkenly speeding in a Ferrari or slapping hookers. Granted, being smarter can make you a better football player, but being a better football player cannot make you smarter.

I can live with that. Pro athletes didn’t sign-up to be role-models or NASA engineers; they just signed-up to play and make millions of dollars (and slap hookers, depending on who you ask). But what I can’t stand is when professional athletes lose all sense of perspective, when forget that they’re “playing a child’s game for a king’s ransom” in the words of former NFL star WarrenSapp, and start acting like whiny turds. Which brings me to the following clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zc11PUnFgkQ.

As you just saw, this clip shows Milwaukee Bucks center Andrew Bogut high-fiving himself after making a free throw. “Is this simply an act of lunacy?” you ask. “Is this just more evidence to support the hypothesis that being born in war-torn Croatia and raised in whacky Australia will inevitably lead to an irreconcilable inner battle of Nature vs. Nurture?” No. It’s just that usually when a Bucks player makes a free throw, all of his surrounding teammates high-five him. It’s customary. But in this case, Mr. Bogut has to perform an act of congratulatory masturbation because the rest of his teammates are too busy wallowing in the depths of a another miserable loss in a long, miserable season.

This clip is funny, but it is NOT laughable. Bogut’s teammates should be ashamed of themselves. It’s okay to lose; in fact, 50% of all pro athletes are losers after any given match. But it’s not okay to lose like a Soviet athlete that must return to his Communist country bound for a life of hardship and disgrace, when in reality you’ll be returning to your Mercedes Benz coupe that has tires worth more than most of us regular Joes make in several months.

I think those turd-like Bucks players should be featured on a new show on Spike TV (that I just came up with): “From Pros to Joes.” Yeah! Try blogging for a comedy Website for a living, Mr. NBA All-Star. We’ll see how much you appreciate your little game then!