Dude, I’m so sorry, but our Facebook relationship has to end here.When I first accepted your Friend Request, I never expected anything like the past two months to happen. I can’t tell you how surprised I was to find a confirmation asking if I was your son. How could I one-up that? It was so original and just so hilariously ironic- I’m 6 months older than you!

Soon we had hooked up randomly at Stacy Watson’s house party in 1992; within days we had met in Uganda, fighting Rita Repulsa. The lies, bro, the lies! When will they end? Last week I got three wall posts asking me what “Space Camp” was like. You know as well as I do that we never went Space Camp! Will it ever be enough for you?

I thought you’d get the hint yesterday when I canceled your confirmation about working together as wine tasters last summer; but sure enough this morning I have 1 pending friend request. What is it now, man? Did we go to Pee Pee Doo Doo Junior High? Did we take “Butt Sex 101″ together?

I’m afraid I’m going to have to change our relationship to “I don’t even this person,” because quite frankly, I don’t even know you anymore.

This hurts me, bro, and you can only expect a status like “Ian is going to be suffering from a broken heart,” or something in the near future. I know I can take the “is” out now, but it reminds me of a better time, back when FaceBook was only college kids, back when Pluto was a planet, back when we just best friends and the details of our relationship didn’t matter.

Sometimes I wish we never left stupid MySpace in the first place. After all of this drama, those incessant offers of free Macy’s gift cards just don’t seem so bad anymore. You’ll still be in my “Top 8“ when you’re ready, I’ll be waiting.

Goodbye dude,

Ian

P.S. Accept my invite to Zombies so I get some points. It’s theleast you can do, asshole.