By Overly Self-Conscious Guy Who Is Also Prone To Extremes

Possibility A

My new short hair makes me look young and glamorous, and my peers are now intimidated when in my presence. All feel inferior when in my vicinity, and as a result, find themselves speechless when searching for the words to express the respect and fear my haircut inspires. All have also decided that I now look like Russell Crowe in the Gladiator movie – a somewhat heavier, pale version of that guy yes, but everyone recognizes that in the days of old, extra pounds and a wan complexion signified wealth and power. My gladiator haircut has indeed accentuated my aristocratic superiority to the point that I am now entirely unapproachable to the common man.

Possibility B

My peers are so disgusted by my pathetic attempt to be accepted in society with this shitty ten dollar Great Clips cut that they would almost certainly vomit were they to even consider ever talking to me again. My hair is symbolic of the failure that is my existence – a total disaster with no redeeming qualities; not normal, but not endearing either. Rather than wonder why no one has commented on my haircut, I should just be grateful that no one killed me for being such a loser.

Possibility C

Wore hat most of the day.