Have you heard the joke about the airline?  OF COURSE YOU HAVE!  They are endless.  It’s not a new concept that flying has become an incredibly convenient way to travel…in complete agony.  It is a new concept, however, that we are no longer divided in to 2 classes.  Introducing:  First Class, Second Class, and Classless.  Whether it’s disguised as “business class” or “Executive” or perhaps “Regal,”  the divide between leg room and little room has grown.

   I was flying with my wife and 18 month daughter to a tropical vacation recently and like most men I left the booking arrangements to my better half.  It wasn’t until walking through the cramped cabin that I realized I didn’t know where we were sitting.  My wife stopped at row 12 with excitement.  “I forgot to tell you, we got bumped to Economy PLUS!”  We had already passed through the upper crust section where the big spenders sit so I was confused.  “Economy Plus?” I asked.  She explained that there is now another seat option with this airline and we were in the better of the 2 lesser seating sections.  A moral victory perhaps but I was confused by excitement over our consistently cramped seats.  My baby daughter had plenty of leg room but I was still doing a sitting “Cannon ball” pose, which is a term I learned you cannot say on an airline anymore due to heightened security measures.  I won’t bother mentioning what airline this was but I can tell you that my knees were UNITED with  my chin.  Apparently the added inch or so of leg room is cause for celebration and surcharge.  I spent the 5 hour flight pondering how this new seating section could possibly be worth the added ticket price.  About half way in to the flight my wife was shifting around complaining that her seat was a bit “lumpy.”  After further inspection she found that an extra seat belt appeared to be stuck into the folds of her seat.  I realized that it was one of those rare seat belt extenders that are offered to…uh…Belly Plus passengers.  Perhaps this whole “Plus” moniker was in reference to passenger size, not seat size.  Very slick marketing…airline that shall remain nameless!  I spent the remainder of the flight with my knees UNITED with my chest wondering what the romantic old economy seats were like. 

   Vacation was amazing.  The flight home came far too soon and it was the shocking realization that I was no longer an Economy Plus passenger that hit the hardest.  We missed that section by about 2 rows and with the cost of several hundred bucks to upgrade to the middle class we decided to tough it out.  A costly mistake.  Now my knees were UNITED with my forehead.  Everything in economy seemed smaller.  The pretzels came as “pretzel bites” and my soda came with “ice chips.”  The recline position on the seats was 89 degrees.  Talk about the lap of luxury.  Then again, what did I expect?  I wasn’t even in middle class anymore.  I felt like those poor folks who were in the bowels of the Titanic, separated from the Floatation Plus people.  An announcement came over the loud speaker: “Ladies and gentlemen we are going to turn off the seat belt sign now and we ask that you do return to your assigned seat after stretching you legs.  We do have plenty of upgrade room available in Economy Plus and we encourage you to do so when you book your next flight.” 

    ROWS of empty seats were apparently off limits for us bottom feeders.  There was no curtain separating the economy plus from economy so it was really an unmarked boundary we were all subject to respecting.  God forbid they actually let passengers circulate their blood while flying.  My wife and I wondered if we could even make eye contact with Economy Plus passengers?  We began to reminisce about the “old days” when we were Economy Plus passengers.  “Remember how spread out we were?”  I asked my wife.  “I guess you just don’t know a good thing until it’s gone” my wife replied with a tear in her eye.  In fairness that tear was caused from the lack of oxygen in economy class.   It seems like the current model for airline seat arrangements is a borrowed concept from Sardine packers. 

   The real issue I have with this new class of passengers is that it’s counter intuitive to the rest of our society.  In America we have consistently increased the size of just about everything.  Bigger houses, cars and portions of food.  I asked for a large soda at the movies (a 8oo seater) and they gave me a garbage can on wheels with a straw.    Even fast food offers, medium size, large size, giganto size, humongo size and ridiculous size combo options.   Obesity is at an all time high and we have no signs this trend declining.  The airlines might want to take note of this issue or the seat belt extender manufacturers will become the new oil billionaires.