My Name is Nathaniel Little-Sparrow, and I am writing to complain about your recent bicentennial sidewalk fair. You see, I filed my vendor application for your event last fall. Being the first applicant, I was told I would have the exclusive right to be the only purveyor of Native American crafts and music.

When I arrived to set up my booth on the morning of the event, I was shocked and appalled to see ANOTHER PURVEYOR OF NATIVE AMERICAN CRAFTS AND MUSIC and only seven spots away from me!

Our people have been oppressed for hundreds of years and it is not something we take lightly. It is hard enough to compete with overweight white men selling tie-dye wolf t-shirts and cheap sweatshop dream catchers, but now I am forced to compete with my brothers over which tribe produces higher quality replica tomahawks or yarn finger puppets.

What gives, Cornwall? Seriously.

When I approached the PTA member who was in charge of merchandising, she told me having two similar vendors created a “healthy, competitive atmosphere.” Is that so? Then how come I didn’t see two tables of early television sitcom commemorative plates? Where was the second table for the handmade NASCAR pillows (Handmade? I can go to Wal-Mart’s craft section right now and buy ten feet of Dale Earnhardt print. Let’s see Maryanne Bakersfield slay her own cattle to make the leather that holds your authentic Apache hand drum together.)

I’m sure don’t feel any guilt about what you have done and I’m sure you feel that white man’s burden has been lifted of your shoulders for letting two savage Indian tradesmen into your beloved bicentennial Celebration. You have showed the virtues of diversity to the common people and I’m sure in the future you children will grow to host their own street fairs- complete with seven homemade empanada stands for every one hardworking, white girl scout troop. Enjoy your capitalism and polluted rivers.

Yours truly,
Nathaniel Little-Sparrow

Also, if it’s not to early, I’d like to reserve my spot in front of the pet shop again for next year. Thanks.