Barack Obama’s cabinet selections have been dominating headlines. Many being chosen are Washington insiders, and Obama has received criticism for practicing the same old politics. Here is your chance, Mr. President Elect, to choose a common man qualified for the job: Me. Here are my reasons:

1. I am a good listener

Any ex-cabinet member will tell you that more than half your job is just listening to the president figure things out. You need to smile and nod when he’s bitching about congress or whatever. I’m really good at engaging people and just hearing them out.

2. Heart disease is not common in my family

Obviously any good cabinet member needs to stay alive. That’s the most important part of the job.

3. I live in a nice big apartment and the neighbors won’t care if we need to have late night brainstorm sessions.

Seriously, everyone here is really cool and as long as we aren’t playing music, we can go til whenever. Need to develop a stimulus package at the eleventh hour but Michelle needs her rest? Come on over, literally any time. What’s mine is yours.

4. I am experienced with an electric shaver and can give a pretty good fade.

I used to cut my own hair when I was younger, and I used to give my friends haircuts too. Why spend $50+ of the taxpayers money when I can shape it myself? Hell maybe I’ll get creative and get your initials in there. Just give me some practice dummies.

5. I am good at making split second decisions, like in the game Goldeneye.

Say you need to make a call on whether to drop a smart bomb on Afghanistan, but you don’t know where to turn; I’m your man. Although I have more direct experience in dealing with proximity mines or cougar magnums, it’s all the same principals.

6. I own an air hockey table.

So in those late night jam sessions we can blow off some steam. Seriously, air hockey seems a little retro, but it’s addicting. And you need a cool cabinet member with some fun toys to listen to you talk about how stiff and regular everyone else is.

Seriously, I really need a job.