Helping you be the greenest of everyone you know. (Part III in an occasional series)  

Today we begin with a question from one of our readers: 

Dear Greener than you,

Your column has provided advice on the matters of green post-apocalyptic living and dog waste management, but conspicuously, not a word yet about cocaine. Is it true that using cocaine destroys the rainforests?

Jake from Europe

As it happens, I was already planning on devoting this column to the subject of cocaine prior to receiving your missive. While this renders your time in writing me poorly spent, thanks for the question!

Now then: Yes, using cocaine destroys the rainforests. I gather you have heard Columbia’s vice president claiming that 5.44 million acres of Colombian tropical forest have been cut down to grow coca in the last twenty years alone. Not green! Sure, a key bump makes it more fun to take out the recycling, and a quick line usually helps you stay up late to write columns about how to be green, but dude if you keep buying your eight balls every night, everyone in Europe is going to know that you’re anything but green.

That said, don’t get down Jake; one good thing about cocaine is that it’s not addictive– even someone like you, with a dangerously extreme habit going, should be able to quit without experiencing withdrawal. Then – because you clearly have an addictive personality – you can switch over to a drug that’s nice and green. I haven’t heard any vice presidents accusing crystal meth of destroying the environment…

Have a question about being green? Ask away.