Dear Barack. I trust this guide will find you as it is the only tip sheet of its kind.

Before I begin, the most important thing to realize, Barack, is that you only have a first first 100 days in office. Yes, subsequent measures of 100 days will follow, but unfortunately only these first 100 days are examined under a microscope. After it people just expect shit to be done

Foreign Policy 

Meet with Iran without pre-conditions. A lot has been made of this pledge during the campaign. And keeping your word about this will let people know you’re serious about diplomacy over muscle-flexing as the path to conflict resolution. Setting an agenda ahead of time could be interpreted as a condition. Actually setting a time to meet could be interpreted as a pre-condition. So this is probably going to have to be a surprise meeting. Just make it seem like you were in the area — the world’s largest security detail in tow– and wanted to drop by. 

The Economy

This current crisis has been the death blow for deregulation and trickle down economics. At some point in the last few years the trickling becomes a slow drip and then nothing at all. Usually when something doesn’t work it’s a good idea to try the opposite — trickle up.

Give everyone a free taco. With the $1.50 they save on lunch they can use the money to invest in responsible mortgages and other economically sound things like war bonds. If it doesn’t work after one taco, try another taco. Maybe a burrito will do a trick. I like Chipotle. 

The War

Withdraw from Iraq. Experts would have you believe this conflict is a highly complex quagmire. But experts just like to use the word quagmire. Here’s what you do. Order a lot of planes — the exact amount of planes to fit all the troops. (Roughly 300 people can fit on a plane.) Once you have the planes, make sure all the troops stationed in Iraq get on the planes. Close the plane doors. Tell the pilots to fly from Iraq to the United States. You have just withdrawn from Iraq.

Your Administration

Establish the roles of your first lady and vice president. Past administrations had some creative restrictions and expansions of these respective jobs. The Easter Egg Roll is an event of understated nuance. Before a first lady can move on to other duties like fighting world poverty or promoting the good will of our country, she should master the nuances of this age-old ritual. With your vice president the world has grown used to a base level of evilness. Even though the election was a mandate for change, a gradual transition is always preferable. Start by giving Biden some mediocre evil tasks: such as loosening the air valves on people’s bicycle tires and replacing everyone’s deodorant sticks with the aerosol-spray variety.