Dear Cannibal Steve,

My mom is just impossible! I hate her! Look, it’s just like, she doesn’t get me. I’m 17 now and she can’t control my life. I mean I’m not unreasonable here, I just want to be able to stay out past 11 on weekend nights. None of my friends, not Sarah, not Melissa, nobody has a curfew that harsh. And every time I try to talk to her about it, My mom is just like “You’re only 17, you don’t need to be out partying all night.” I’M NOT EVEN DOING THAT! GOD! Can you help me please?

Jane

Jane:

First off, you have to understand that your growing up is hard for your mom to deal with too. She’s spent 17 years raising you and now all you want to do is spend time outside the house. So here is my advice… spend some quality time with her. Show her that you care about her feelings. Take her out to a movie, buy the tickets, the popcorn, and become that mature kid that can stay out late. Then, while she’s enjoying the film, basking in your new found connection, smash her head with a lead pipe, take out her brain with your bare hands, and then take a bite… in order to consume her soul. It’s as simple as that.

Steve the “Cannibal”

Dear Cannibal Steve,

I know you’ve probably gotten a lot of this… it’s just; I don’t know where to turn. I’m one of those millions of Americans who is about to lose my home to the mortgage crisis. I’ll admit, I took out a mortgage I couldn’t really afford, but I thought I’d find some way to manage… somehow. Anyway, I have a family to support, two little girls, and my career as an electrician just isn’t paying the bills. Should I go back to school? Can I risk it? Or am I just too late? I don’t want to end up renting some shitty house in the south side of town. Can you please help me?
Gary

Gary:

Well, you’re in a tough place right now, and like you said, so are most Americans as a result a real lack of oversight and responsibility on the part the real estate investment and financing industries… but the real question is, what should you do? After some discussion with close friends, my advice is this…you’ve got to avoid falling into debt… That’s where real trouble starts. So, first off, you need to speak to the issuer of your mortgage, or the owner, and get them to agree to a reasonable payment plan. Chances are, they are hurting too, so cut a deal. And then, after a hearty handshake, follow him to their car, pull out a knife and insert it into his back. Stab as many times as you feel you need to… then, use your knife to cut his throat and dig his brain out from the base of his skull. I’d recommend you eat it (so you know what he knows,) but, to each his own. Then, get yourself into school; enroll in a community college close to home. See if your town or state has any programs that will subsidize your education… chances are they will. If not, go to the next city council meeting with your favorite metal baseball bat and you know… consume some souls. Good luck.

Steve the “Cannibal”