Now that I have hit the last week of my freshman studies, I think its time that I say what I would do if I was on the other side of the lectern. Certainly, many professors do what I believe to be a stellar job in teaching me about fractals, but I have a few ideas that I would use if I was a professor.

If I was a professor, I would start out every class by saying “Welcome to Class X!” If I was teaching a class on psychology, I would say “Welcome to PSYCH!” and run out of the room. I would do this every day.

If I was a professor, I’d have fewer assignments, and give out higher grades.

If I was a professor, I would play favorites, but instead of playing favorites I would play least favorites, and fail all of the people I don’t like. This is called playing the numbers, and it is fairer than playing favorites.

Not enough of the faculty have nice cars. If I was a professor, I would have the most bitchin car ever, and I would paint flames on the side, just so my students would know it was my car. I would also name it after my favorite students (changing the name from year to year).

Once when we were kids it was fun to watch movies in class. Now we have to watch all of this PBS bullshit. If I was a professor, everything we watched would have to have a rotten tomatoes rating above 70%, and had to be in color, because black and white sucks.

Some professors are very old, which is quite distressing to many students. When I turned forty, I would retire.

Lots of professors have syllabuses. I would have the class requirements tattooed on my ass. I am very proud of my ass.

There are a lot of historical figures that we remember because of their titles, like Alexander the Great, and Catherine the Great. Lots of other historical figures don’t have such titles, and thusly are hard to remember. So, if I was teaching a history class every single name I would give some sort of title. From George Washington the Awesome to Cotton Mather the Slightly Remembered.

Lots of professors wear glasses. I would wear contacts, the types with the crazy designs, and if I didn’t like a student, I would stare at them and say that I would destroy them with my magic eyes. Since most students are stupid, they’d believe it.

I would have a trophy wife, and have her come into class all the time, because I think it would improve student morale, knowing that if they got a PhD in some bullshit liberal arts degree, they could still rail some bimbo.

If I was a professor, if a female student was doing poorly in my class, I would flirt with her to make her feel better.

If I was a professor, every book we would read, we’d read together and out loud in class, so I can make fun of the retards that screw up words like “obfuscate”.

To motivate students not to fail, I would call whoever got an A “awesome” B “alright” C “okay” and anyone who had either a D or F would be a “cocksucker”. (To wit, ‘All of you cocksuckers better study hard for the next test.’)

I would end every class with a prayer, because students don’t have enough morality.