The universe of plaid is a rather mundane existence. Lines on and on in either direction, broad and thin, of varying colors. Its like looking at a city map, a city that has been set to some sort of obsessive grid by some mad fool. Or maybe it looks like what the inside of a computer processor looks, all of those lines which seem to go into some order which makes some rhyme and reason, but to the rest of us it makes little, if any, sense. Plaid is a prison. Plaid just isn’t that much fun. Yet its remarkably popular.

Many many years ago, there was a time when valor was worth a damn. That was the time of King Arthur’s court. In that court, honor was the most important ideal of all.

Dragons. What? Dragons. Dragons on t-shirts. What about dragons is so great? King Arthur’s fought dragons, and he was a paragon of all good things on this Earth. What did he do? He killed dragons. Why don’t we wear King Arthur t-shirts? Because no one knows what King Arthur looked like, buteveryone on this planet knows exactly what dragons look like .

A dragon flying majestically in the sky, breathing fire at its foes. Maybe there are two dragons, both green, or maybe green and purple, depending on the sort of fashion that you want to have. That’s right, fashion. Dragon T-shirts can carry a lot of fashion too, you know. If you’re a girl, you can match the color of the dragon, of the dragon’s flame, or the dragon’s claws, or the mountain that the dragon may by flying over, with your purse or make up for the day. Maybe shoes. Everyone pigeonholes dragon t-shirts as unfashionable, but look at plaid, with its uninteresting straight line set up. Look at dragons, with their wings, curves, and their unpredictable nature.

Bring back King Arthur’s court, at least in spirit, by wearing dragon t-shirts. If you wear that, it sends a clear message to everyone within view of your awesome t-shirt. The message reads: “I support a time when everyone was completely honest to each other, and if you lied, that would lead to your death.” Maybe you could put that on one of those lame Hot Topic black t-shirts with white lettering, but that’s not fashionable. That doesn’t look good at all. Dragons, however, are cool, and everyone fears them, in some sort of primal way.

Twice a month, Comic Wonder will bring you some Featured Members commentary. Our goal for the feature is to give some inside information on those members who deserve to be broadcast to the community.

This week’s featured member gives us two guys from our neighbors to the north, Canada. Canucklehead and FOGGY are two members who have been active on Comic Wonder since the start. Well, we’re pretty sure Canucklehead is from Canada with a name like that! FOGGY has some fantastic jokes with Canadians as the punchlines, so it was natural to assume we could include him in this award.

We chose these two guys because we wanted to give a big thanks to our very large Canadian contingent on the site. Who would have thought Canadians would love jokes as much as Comic Wonder does? Well, we’re glad to have them and some of our best joke tellers hail from “up nort.”

These guys are both winners. Canucklehead most recently won Comic Wonder of the Week on February 28th, 2008, with the joke “Oh Canada!” FOGGY’s follow up five weeks later was “FIRST DATES”.

Canucklehead has exactly 50 jokes on Comic Wonder, and although “Oh Canada!” is hilarious, our favorite is “Oh No Ewe Didn’t!” — Short, simple, and hilarious.

FOGGY has some classics in his arsenal, but our favorite is “PRESIDENTS AND PRIME MINISTERS”, which includes his trademark laugh at the end. And what great timing with the American election coming up!

So we’d like to give a big ol’ American salute to our Canadian friends, and any other Comic Wonder member who greets us from above the northern border. If you happen to be a Comic Wonder member and from Canada, please leave a comment with your username so we, and everyone else, can know and thank you!

Thanks again, Team Canada!

By Evan Colmes

Everyone got that? Is that agreed upon? I don’t want to be the only guy in the standing room only section cheering Dave on when he takes an extremely long moment of silence in the middle of a song. There’s a reason why he doesn’t have those 20 second long pauses in his records, and that’s because he’s counting on us. The fans.

Alexis, Ted, you listening to me? I know we’re still on the highway, but now is a good time to think about what you’re gonna be screaming. “WOOO!” is fine for the first few intervals, but by the second encore, if all you got is a tired old non-word, well then maybe he just won’t go into that eight minute scat solo for us.

I know, I’m freaking out here, too. That would totally ruin our plan to smoke our last blunt during the encore scat breakdown. That means we have to meet him halfway. So Ted, use your deep voice as an advantage. Maybe a deep, hoarse “I LOVE YOU DAVE!” would be funny, or even “I WISH YOU WERE MY DAD!” That’s bound to get everyone else into it, and hopefully the energy will spread like wildfire. Alexis, we’re counting on you to yell out this list of obscure songs we all want to hear, seeing as you are the most attractive. If he gives you eye contact, we’ve got him hooked for at least one classic rock cover. Get in there, and don’t let him go.

Now, I know there have been some nervous thoughts, for instance: what if everyone around us is just there to get drunk and high, and not watch Dave? Maybe they’re all there for the party aspect, which is awesome, don’t get me wrong, but they could totally kill our Dave experience. We could also be in front of some young kids and their dad, who’ll make it his personal job to ruin our DMBuzz. I’ve had nightmares of those parental shoulder taps, or even worse: passive aggressive lines such as “Should you really be shotgunning that joint in front of my kids?” That could potentially threaten our party with Dave, and don’t think I haven’t shivered at the thought.

But we can’t dwell on the negative, guys! As of now, there’s a plan: I’ll score us free weed with the rich pushover kid, Ted is the muscle who can protect us from drunk Bros and rubber bullets, and Alexis is the chick who’ll get dudes to buy us beer and be with us when we ask girls to show their tits, cause it’ll be less stalkery. We’re all in this together, so let’s stick together.

So start drawing up a list of things we can scream when he takes those pauses. I know it’s your guys’ first Dave experience, but let me tell you: if he’s feelin’ it, he’ll take a whole song’s length to get his quiet point across. One time I saw him where he stopped one song because he thought he was gonna sneeze. The whole band just stopped and waited. It would have been hella awkward watching him struggle with his allergies, but we were there to catch his back. Every time he pulled back with an “Ahh…Ahh..” we were already screaming him into his next bug-eyed, passionate guitar jam breakdown when he finally did sneeze. It was an experience, and if we don’t prepare for anything and everything, this whole road trip would have been a waste.

Many look forward to Halloween for the thrill of coming up with a clever, unique, fun costume to wear to a friend’s party. Others circle October 31st on their calendars with their sights set on delicious candy corn, chocolate bars, and caramel covered apples. And last but not least, some people enjoy this fall holiday because it provides them with another excuse to have random, dirty, promiscuous sex with strangers in costume. Because people seem to have already mastered the whole costume and candy portion of the evening, I’m going to provide you with a bit of a guide to sealing the deal on that last part. Or, rather, I’m going to provide you with a guide as to how NOT to seal it. Without further adieu, I present you with ….

The Top 10 Pickup Lines NOT To Use On Halloween

1. “You know, last week when I saw you here, I couldn’t even imagine wanting to have sex with you. But now that you have that sheet over your head…”
2. “That’s a great fat chick costume you’ve got on.”
3. “You know, I knew there’d be so many scantily clad women walking around tonight, I only masturbated twice today.”
4. “Yeah, I love Halloween too. Any excuse to hide my face, I’m actually not that attractive.”
5. “Your boobs look really great in that … oh, I guess you’re just completely naked, huh? Boy, do I love Halloween! So many sluts.”
6. “My penis is already in costume, too.”
7. “I just wish random children would come to my house every day of the year!”
8. “So, I was thinking, I’ve got way more candy than this back at my place, and you sure look like a girl who eats her feelings … “
9. “Halloween is kinda lame, in my opinion. Do you know how hard it is to get a roofie into a SKOR bar? Oh, no, that’s right, you were in the bathroom.”
10. *drop pants* “Hallo, it’s my ween!”

Howdy Comic Wonders!

Have you heard the one about the elderly couple on a porch swing? You should because it’s the gem that won VoiceofElk his second weekly prize in a row!

Last week he treated us all to a real puker. This time around he’s mixing it up with a couple senior citizens and a good old porch swing. What could possibly go wrong? Nothing sweeter than an older couple in love. Maybe an older couple of puppies in love would be cuter but that’s technically impossible. That’s why stem cell research is so important.

In the meantime we salute VoiceofElk for his continued joke telling excellence. Several of you gave him a run for his money this week and we’d like to acknowledge all of you. I know you can’t see if but we are all standing around the office saluting you. I just did a thumbs up. Tilt brought some festive heat with “The Cabbie and the Nun.” Cool Breeze stepped up with “A One Iron can come in Handy.” Adubya also made us chuckle with “A blonde buys 2 horses.” Great jokes and always confident performances.

Check out Joke Limbo for some great jokes that need a voice.

If you read the paper you know that an election is coming up. Comic Wonder is also regionally famous for being the Election Joke Epicenter of the Known World. Maybe you have an ace in the hole? Get on the horn and let the world know how funny you are. Especially that jerk in high school who said you would never win a joke telling contest at Comic Wonder.

Posted by:

Robin Banks
Comic Wonder Financial Contributor and Author of “Idiots guide to Off Shore Accounts”

There have been several surprises in this election’s endorsement cycle. Palin’s home paper, The Anchorage Daily News, recently endorsed Obama — as did the Chicago Tribune which had never supported a Democrat until this year.

And the Comic Wonder endorsement may be even more unexpected. The editors at Comic Wonder believe John McCain should be the 44th president.

First, let us say that this decision has nothing to do with policy, readiness to lead or politics in general. This is about funniness plan and simple. And McCain, and to a greater extent Sarah Palin, is our choice.

Yes, taking cracks at McCain’s age got old months ago. But the editors feel that Palin’s newcomer status and high gaffe potential more than makes up for this fact. More so than the funniness of individual, the Republicans have built a steady pedigree of failure, which is a lot funnier to talk about than successes. And instead of owning up to failures, the Bush Administration has pushed the envelope it terms of the flat denial and hypocrisies. A comedian doesn’t even have to make any witty punchlines, just simply point out the truth.

On the other side of the aisle, critics maintain Obama is impossible to parody. But the editorial team disagrees. His rhetoric and promises of hope, make his Utopian reach and Savior-like status readily mockable. But we fear that once his presidency starts and he actually starts accomplishing objectives this will be hard to parody. Joe Biden for certain is a lost comedic cause.

By Dave Epson

First of all, love the set up, love the premise. Rose’s characterization and dialogue is a bit tough to sit through, however, and at times I start to feel a bit like an audience member during Erich Von Stroheim’s Greed (1924).

I believe what I’ve been fed: four elderly females living together, enjoying retired life. But where’s the conflict? Why am I watching this, really? Spare me the jazzy fluff, Melies (A Trip to the Moon, 1902), and get to the heart of it.

So Blanche is a man-hungry vixen. Is that really all there is to her? When does she cry? Does her undying need for affection relate to her neglection as a child?

Flashback sequence. Think about it.

Let’s not get started on the endless slew of boyfriend guest stars, now. In the words of Bruce Kilroy, my Television Writing teacher: “Have faith in what you’ve created”. Don’t blow your sharp idea on big names and throwaway romances; really save what is there. And Bruce knows a lot, he was a staff writer on “Harry and the Hendersons” (1987). IMDB it.

Get rid of this Sophia busybody. Nobody wants here there; she doesn’t add anything that can’t be established in a flashback sequence. Too many one-liners. If I wanted that, I’d rather enjoy the swashbuckling antics of Chaplin (City Lights, 1931), or perhaps Harold Lloyd (Chaplin’s lesser known compadre, The Kid Brother, 1927).

Maybe it’s me, but does anyone else get a Clara Bow vibe from Blanche? Not downright attractive, but swimming in an ocean of sexuality. You got “It”, girl. You got “It”.

“It” was a romantic silent film produced in 1927. “It”, a euphemism for “sex appeal” took the world by storm and gave American Cinema a new, sexy voice.

As I feel I have expressed my thoughts on the series as a whole, I will now nitpick at a few episodes I feel deserve it.

EPISODE F-118 “The Operation”

This one is a classic by many Golden Girls’ fans, but little do they know about proper execution and storytelling. I don’t know if the director (Terry Hughs) was hungover (probably, he had a notorious drinking problem), but this episode contains countless omissions to detail and cohesiveness.

What stands out the most, is that there is countless breaking of the 180 rule. (For those of you who are not in the know, this basic filmmaking rule states that two characters in the same scene should always have the same left/right relationship to each other) The camera clearly crosses the 180 degree line time after time. It may be because there were scenes in a hospital room and they needed all the angles they could salvage, but really, come on. You’re showing this to America. At least have the decency to put Dorothy in the corner or something.

EPISODE F214 - “Ladies of the Evening”

This episode was one of the show’s lesser-known “floptastics”.

First thing’s first: the lighting. I don’t know which gaffer forgot to put his corrective lenses on, but to me, it looks as if Blanche’s make up is part of her skin. If it weren’t for the starry backdrop in the window, I wouldn’t be able to tell day for night. Let’s cut it down a few footcandles, guys, and show me you’re trying.

EPISODE 311 - “The Way We Met”

Finally, the producers grew some sense and threw together a half hour full of flashbacks and backstory. The “Girls” spend the entire half hour explaining the way they met. It should deliver, however, the writing falls flat. Think about their past, guys. Really feel their motivations out.

Also, the location of their first meeting is a bit lackluster. They all met at a supermarket? Come on, boys. You have a network budget and Hollywood set designers. Have them meet somewhere awesome, like at the center of the earth, or my dream location: Nazi Germany. Nothing evokes cinematic emotion more like four runaway Jews who decide to dodge the Holocaust by living in a swanky retirement complex in southern Florida. That was my biggest bone to pick with this episode. And the editing was way off.

Dave Epson is a junior at NYU Tisch School of the Arts. He majors in Film Directing, and has created such student films as “Untitled: First Year Final Project” and “Human Disease: Explored”. He is from Dayton, Ohio.

Helping you be the greenest of everyone you know. (Part II in an occasional series)

Breaking news! A friend with inside sources has sent warning of an impending “financial crisis” that could affect our nation’s economy. I have a hunch that this will turn out to be a false alarm, but it does beg the question: what if there is some major recession some day that weakens the economies of countries around the world? And more relevant here, what would be the greenest thing to do in such a scenario?

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Whether this hypothetical crisis merely destabilizes global markets or ushers in a new era of mass hysteria and chaos, it is never an inappropriate time to add that environmentally conscious footer to your personal and business emails if you have not done so already:

Please consider the environment before printing this article

Cannibalistic Biker Gangs

In the case that the recession does lead to widespread economic collapse, the fabric of civilization will crumble, which means panic in the streets, which means marauding gangs of post-apocalyptic cannibal bikers. 

Apply cannibal biker makeup and garments (keep it authentic!) so that you may be chosen to join the most respectable gang that visits your neighborhood. Once your allegiance has been established (i.e. you have murdered and consumed innocent humans, preferably loved ones), you can get close to the leader and use your influence with him to make yours the greenest cannibal biker gang around.

What’s the key to comedy? No, it’s not timing. Or delivery, wit, or anything else with “words”. It’s hilarious injuries! What follows it the best spill videos the internet has to offer …

Rating 8.1. The woman who falls gets what she deserves after all that bragging about how much juice she can stomp out. Why is there even an elevated platform for these bins?

Deductions: The woman’s wailing is so excessive, one wonders if it wasn’t added by some internet trickster in post-production.

Rating: 8.4. This odd, metal contraption that this infomercial salesman is trying to hawk would make this video a 5 even without it collapsing under his weight.

Deductions: Instead of groaning in pain, the man tries to keep selling the product despite almost paralyzing himself.

Rating 7.5: Another ladder fall. But what makes this one special is the reaction by the hosts who conclude: “He’s moving, so he is OK.” Also probably the best thud of the collection

Deductions: Accuracy. The host claims the floors are slippery, but the evidence clearly shows the fall was not caused by the ladder giving way.

Rating: 8.2

If you want to understand what comedy videos succeed on the internet look no further than “You’ve been kicked in the nuts” series. A guy dressed in a funny orange wig goes around and kicks people in the groin. Keep it simple.

Deductions: The whole thing is staged which takes away from the ability of the viewer to emotionalize with the victim of the kicking. Impromptu kicks would result in more realistic writhing.

Ok, here we go. This is the big one. You came this far, Greg. Let’s not blow it.

Oh, no! Falling rock! Brace yourself! Duck!

Oh. It’s foam. That was. Soft.

Keep moving!

You’ve been training. Keep at it. First Guts, then the Olympics. Make Dad proud. He’s watching somewhere.

Oh God no! They’re releasing something from the ceiling! It could be a freezing cold rush of water that knocks me over and plummets me off the mountain and-it’s glitter.

Oh.

I guess it’s kinda gross to get glitter in your mouth. Ppph. Pppph. Nasty. I hope I don’t find glitter in my hair two weeks after this. Then I’ll be pissed.

Alright, just need to persevere a little longer and … oh. I won.

Dad? Where are you, Dad?