Helping you be the greenest of everyone you know. The first in an occasional series

So let’s say everyone already knows that you buy locally grown food, you switched to bamboo floors, and you always ride your bike to yoga (unless it’s raining, or icy, or you’re really tired); you don’t have to worry about anyone questioning your greenacity, right? Not so fast: what about your dog?

While the unsophisticated lifestyle of a dog tends to produce a minimal carbon paw print, there is one aspect of a dog that is not so green: his poop. Dog waste contains bacteria that, should it make its way to local waterways, could threaten the fish and other aquatic life. Not green! So what can you do? You have two options

Rats:

Rats feed on anything, including dog waste. Assemble a team of these ravenous rodents to join you and your dog when it’s time to “take care of business.” At first, the image of you and your dog surrounded by a horde of voracious rats devouring feces may be unsettling to onlookers, but don’t worry; eventually they will come to appreciate your green approach to dog waste management and they’ll seek rats of their own. Soon enough, we’ll be reading about how Paris Hilton doesn’t leave the house without her rats!

Potty Training

If you’re lucky, you have a dog that is capable of learning how to use the toilet. Take heed: not all dogs are created equal in this department. If you have a Bearded Collie or an Old Danish Chicken Dog, you shouldn’t encounter any problems with toilet training. Labradoodles and Japanese Terriers can be trained, but will never flush. Pit bulls refuse to knock before entering the bathroom, and Schnauzers will make the room smell like an old man.

Your best bet is to try a combination of the two approaches: do the potty training, and get the rats just in case. There’s always the chance of having your house overrun by rat kings, but at least no one can say you aren’t trying to be green!