With the return of football season, we’d thought an NFL-inspired play was in order. Here’s a theater production about how football’s best quarterbacks got their start:

My Fair Peyton
By Saj Pothiawala

Enter stage left, a teenage Peyton Manning, a prepubescent Eli Manning, and father Archie, all in overalls.

PEYTON: Hey Pop! Go long.

ARCHIE: Ha, ha. Okay, son, okay.

Archie runs across the stage. Peyton throws him the ball.

ELI: Wow, Pey! What a spiral! You’re going to be a great quarterback someday.

PEYTON: Ah, shucks. Thanks, Eli. You’re the best little brother anybody could ever hope for in the whole wide world (rubs Eli’s head affectionately). If you work real hard like me you could be a great quarterback someday too.

ELI: Nah, I’ll never be good enough (looks at his feet) on account of my learning disability and all.

ARCHIE: Hey, Eli! Out pattern, go.

Archie cocks his arm, and throws a pass. Eli confuses an out pattern for a post route and the ball goes sailing off stage.

ARCHIE: I said OUT PATTERN! Are you stupid? I swear you got creamed corn between your ears.

Eli heads off stage to retrieve the ball.

PEYTON: Now, Poppa. You know he don’t know any better. He’s trying, poppa. He’s trying.

ARCHIE: Well he should, dangnabbit. He should. You and Cooper, you were running out patterns at age five.

PEYTON: He’s just different. That’s all.

Eli returns with the ball.

ELI: Sorry, Pop. I’ll get it next time, I swear.

Archie goes in to hug his son, but strikes his face with the back of his hand and takes the football from him

ARCHIE: You’re damn right you will.

Archie pulls a flask from his front overall pocket and takes a long swig.

ARCHIE: Mind your tongue, Peyton. Practice with the tire swing while I tend to your brother. If you tell your mother about this I’ll come back at you twice as hard. And that’s a promise.

Exit Archie dragging a silent Eli.

PEYTON: (poised to throw the ball, speaking to himself) I’m gonna be the greatest quarterback ever.

Enter a young Tom Brady, wearing a leather jacket, the two prettiest girls in high school on his arms.

TOM: Yo, Manning! What’s shaking kid?

PEYTON: Oh, hey Tom.

TOM: What are you up to man? It’s Saturday night I know you got some ridiculous shit planned.

PEYTON: I’m just gonna throw for an hour or so, then head in to wash up for dinner. Gotta get up early for church tomorrow and maybe throw some more. (chuckles nervously) Gotta work hard if I want to be the starting quarterback next year.

TOM: Gunning for my job, are you Manning? (slaps him on the back) Just kidding, bro. Say, I just found three hundred dollars on the ground, is it yours?

PEYTON: Nah, Poppa doesn’t like us carrying our own money.

TOM: Ah, cool. Okay, I’m gonna head out of here. Drew Brees is having a party at his place and Candice here (squeezing the ass of one of the girls) is inviting her bisexual twin sister. Come on through if you want.

PEYTON: Thanks for the invitation, Tom. I’ll probably stay in tonight with my brothers and play Boggle.

TOM: Whatevers clever. Peace out, Manning.

Exit Tom Brady and the women.

PEYTON: I’m gonna be the greatest quarterback ever!

Peyton throws a perfect spiral through a tire swing. Fade out.