Helping you be the greenest of everyone you know. The first in an occasional series

So let’s say everyone already knows that you buy locally grown food, you switched to bamboo floors, and you always ride your bike to yoga (unless it’s raining, or icy, or you’re really tired); you don’t have to worry about anyone questioning your greenacity, right? Not so fast: what about your dog?

While the unsophisticated lifestyle of a dog tends to produce a minimal carbon paw print, there is one aspect of a dog that is not so green: his poop. Dog waste contains bacteria that, should it make its way to local waterways, could threaten the fish and other aquatic life. Not green! So what can you do? You have two options

Rats:

Rats feed on anything, including dog waste. Assemble a team of these ravenous rodents to join you and your dog when it’s time to “take care of business.” At first, the image of you and your dog surrounded by a horde of voracious rats devouring feces may be unsettling to onlookers, but don’t worry; eventually they will come to appreciate your green approach to dog waste management and they’ll seek rats of their own. Soon enough, we’ll be reading about how Paris Hilton doesn’t leave the house without her rats!

Potty Training

If you’re lucky, you have a dog that is capable of learning how to use the toilet. Take heed: not all dogs are created equal in this department. If you have a Bearded Collie or an Old Danish Chicken Dog, you shouldn’t encounter any problems with toilet training. Labradoodles and Japanese Terriers can be trained, but will never flush. Pit bulls refuse to knock before entering the bathroom, and Schnauzers will make the room smell like an old man.

Your best bet is to try a combination of the two approaches: do the potty training, and get the rats just in case. There’s always the chance of having your house overrun by rat kings, but at least no one can say you aren’t trying to be green!

Crisis. Panic. Unrelenting fear. These are the emotions great comedy is based on. With the financial crisis dominating the headlines, we thought it would present our favorite finance-related videos on the web.

Feel free to vote for your favorite.

1. The Dark Bailout:

2. Up and comers Landline TV present a new bank that actually opened during these hard times:

3.  Of bailout and tugboats? (via Funny or Die)

4. And this oldie but goodie from SNL:

 

Funniest Personality in Radio Found:  Sam Greenfield — NYC Morning Talk Show Host is Crowned  Radio’s Comic Wonder by “The Unknown Comic” and Veteran Comedian Vic Dunlop at the NAB Radio Show

 

Austin, TX (September 18, 2008) — Sam Greenfield doesn’t want to brag, so he’s going to let the good folks at Comic Wonder do it for him. Head over heels with happiness, he’s the winner of the newest and shiniest crown in show business: Radio’s Comic Wonder.

 

Comic Wonder (www.comicwonder.com), the world’s first and only online joke-telling arena, partnered on the national contest with McVay Media (www.mcvaymedia.com) and the National Association of Broadcasters (www.nabradioshow.com) to search for the funniest radio personality on the planet.

The NYC-based comic and morning talk show host on 1160 AM WVNJ is busy trying to figure out what to do with the thousand bucks and terrific trophy he received. Maybe put it next to that hockey mask that Dick Cheney hands out to his hunting buddies.

 

But he’s still pinching himself over the best part — in his wildest dreams, when he was making cracks in comedy clubs in the wilds of Alaska, Montana and one of the Dakotas (he can’t remember which one) — he never thought he’d get to meet Murray Langston, a.k.a. The Unknown Comic, who got his start on “The Gong Show” opposite the world’s shortest CIA operative, Chuck Barris.

 

Greenfield moseyed down to the NAB Radio Show in Austin, TX, where on September 18 Langston and legendary comic Vic Dunlop emceed Greenfield’s coronation.

 

Greenfield was pretty happy about getting free airfare and accommodations to the show, but he didn’t start bragging to his friends until he found out about the prize —a signed, framed and mounted bag that The Unknown Comic wore over his head on “The Gong Show”.

 

“Like all the good fortune I have had in my career, I don’t take it for granted – I deserve it,” jokes Greenfield. “Seriously though, there are many funny people in radio. Ok, that’s not true — not many, but there are some. I would like to acknowledge Jonathan Doll and Howard Stern, who opened so many creative doors for me. I would like to thank the Don Imus crew, especially Rob Bartlett, for making me laugh out loud so early in the day.”

 

Winning is nothing new to the quick-witted radio host. In addition to comedy, Greenfield has a knack for rapid-fire trivia and is a serial game show winner with appearances on ABC’s “$25,000 Pyramid,” Discovery Channel’s “Cash Cab,” and he brought home $100,000 from the hit game show “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.”

 

While standup comedy is his first love, Greenfield has been seriously dating talk radio since 1997 as an afternoon drive-time host on the Las Vegas news/talk station KXNT (AM 840). His guest roster ranged from Hilary Clinton to John McCain, from Joy Behar (”The View”) to Ann Coulter.

 

Beyond radio, Greenfield has enjoyed a successful career in television dating back to New York on NBC’s “America’s Talking.” He co-hosted “Pork,” an hour-long daily television show discussing government waste. He also appeared on the Fox News Channel’s weekend entertainment show “The Insiders” and has made dozens of appearances on Fox News, CNN, and MSNBC. From there, he became a host on News/Talk 1050 AM WEVD and “Drivetime Dialogue” on 1600 AM WWRL before manning the mornings on WVNJ in New Jersey.

 

When he’s not hanging out with his wife, performer and writer Barbara Singer, and his daughter Cassie, he is active in community affairs and busy performing at the Broadway Comedy Club in NYC.

“A professor of divinity at Howard University once told me that my ability to make people laugh is a ministry. I should never waste it. It’s a ministry because it leaves people feeling better than before I met them. I hope my ability to make people feel good never leaves me,” concludes Greenfield.

 

The polls keep saying that this race is neck and neck, but I’m just not buying it. Obama has it wrapped up. I’m headed for the parking lot to beat the traffic out of the stadium. These are the same polls that thought Hillary was going to blow Obama out of the water.

When they do these surveys, they’re only calling people who have landline phones. You know who answers landlines? Old people. You know who takes the time to sit on their landline and take a survey? Extremely old, bored people. You know what old, bored people have in common with McCain? Only everything!

McCain seems like a good dude and all, but come on how do you vote against MLK day? He’s seventy-two years old, he loves war, and his wife stole meds from an orphanage. Stealing from Orphans is about as close as it gets to actually stealing candy from babies.

Historically, when the economy goes south, Americans always elect the opposing party of the one currently holding power. So if this game wasn’t already over 10 months ago, it certainly ended the moment Sarah Palin came on board. Granted, nobody knows what exactly a vice president does, but they should always fulfill one very critical role–that is, in the case of an emergency (e.g. seventy-two year old man dies) they should be someone who could step in and be a solid back-up leader. Sarah Palin doesn’t exactly fit the bill. You just shouldn’t be able to go from Governor of Alaska, to one heart-attack away from President of the USA.

Penguins live in Alaska! Actually never mind, I was confusing Alaska with Antarctica. But you know why I’m confused the two? Because they’re basically the same place! The primary difference being, Antarctica doesn’t have a Governor running for Vice President! Penguins!!

Sarah Palin!  Just the name conjures emotions and images that have taken on a life of their own.  For some?  A rather attractive Governor of Alaska.  Others immediately think of a wild woman hanging from a helicopter shooting at defenseless animals.  Others think of Tina Fey portraying Sarah Palin.  Even a few think of the British host from The Weakest Link.  Not sure why, other than the glasses are sorta similar.  Either way, Sarah Palin insists that she is just one of us.  Her inadvertent affect on style got us thinking about the other notables that history cannot afford to forget.  The people who came out of nowhere to affect the way we think, speak and dress.

#1) Boner Stabone.  Don’t offended, it was his actual name.

You likely remember Boner from the hit sitcom Growing Pains.  Although Kirk Cameron was arguably the star of the show, Boner was clearly the most influential.  He was single handily responsible for Alan Thicke uttering “Boner” on a regular basis. He also taught us kids that it was okay to have a name that some may consider embarrassing.  Gaylord, Harry, Peter & John all got a break when Boner deflected the attention.  He certainly made it easier for my friend Nipple.

#2) Sloth (seen on the right)

He’s the unlikely hero from The Goonies.  What he lacked in good looks, he made up for in crooked smiles,muscle and love.  Did we mention that he was very much fashion forward?  It’s hard to argue that he is the true inspiration behind today’s obsession with worn and torn jeans accompanied by a tight fitting retro t shirt.  Add the oldest style sneaker you can find too.  If done correctly, you shouldn’t look completely homeless.  Sloth was rocking this style decades before we all caught on.  Even his action figure looks like he’s on his way to a red carpet.

#3) Murdock

He’s the 1/4th of the infamous A Team.  Unlike his partners in crime fighting, he didn’t rely on muscles, good looks or even smarts.  Murdock was a genuine nut case.  He was famous for being famous.  Like many of the celebrities we look up to today.  His clothes were a mix and match of anything ridiculous and his personality was awesomely insane.  His ability to switch personalities from one moment to the next is all to common in tinsel town these days and I thinks it’s only obvious that Murdock started it all. 

#4)  Jem

“Jem my name, no one else is the same, Jem is my name!”  Those are some of the enchanting lyrics from this cartoon megastars TV show open.  Stop me if you’ve heard this premise before: 

“The show is about music company owner Jerrica Benton, her singer alter-ego, Jem, her band the Holograms, and their adventures.”  STOP!

A cute young woman leading a double life as a pop singer?  Sounds awfully familiar to me.

Although it should be pointed out that Hannah leads a double life as an ordinary school girl, not someone working in an office, so it’s a totally different premise.  Jem had a rival group of musicians know as the Misfits (not to be confused with the Jonas Brothers).  They attacked Jem head on with cutting lyrics like “We are the Misfits…we are much better.” Jem always kept a cool pink head though and let her music do the fighting for her. ”glamour and glitter, fashion and fame! Truly, truly, truly outrageous…ooooh Jem!”  Although, I think those characteristics have also been swiped! 

 In summation, Sarah Palin, Boner Stabone, Sloth, Murdock and Jem are all funny references.  Palin is the latest in a long line of pop culture icons that are ripe for the picking. Like the Growing Pains theme song says…. ”The best is ready to begin!” 

In preparation for her October 2nd debate with Joe Biden, Sarah Palin is spending the week leading up to it meeting with nine foreign leaders to help her brush up on her foreign policy credentials. Nine foreign leaders … and Bono.

This, of course, begs the question: is this the first time Bono has met with a prospective world leader he’s more qualified than? To find out, I’d like to play a little game I like to call “Palin Vs. Bono: Who’s more qualified?” Let’s play!

Nicknames:

“Sarah Barracuda” vs. (I guess) “Bono”

Right off the bat, Bono is in trouble. A barracuda is not only a fierce predatory fish, but also a kick-ass Heart song. And “Bono”? It’s basically nonsense and he made it up himself. Point: Palin.

Awards:

“Miss Wasilla and second runner-up to Miss Alaska (1984)” vs. “22 Grammys and a Golden Globe (lifetime)”

Beauty pageants can be tough. But all Sarah Palin proved was that she was the hottest woman in a town of 7,000 and then the third hottest woman in a state of only 600,000 people in 1984, an historically ugly year and an historically ugly state. Meanwhile, Bono has proven 22 times over that he deserves the highest acclaim in the music industry. Have you ever tried to win a Grammy? It’s hard! Point: Bono.

Fashion Eyewear:

“Sexy Librarian Glasses” vs. “Sunglasses Indoors”

I have a strange suspicion that Sarah Palin’s glasses do not have corrective lenses. They’re like those fake glasses Clark Kent wore but she wears them to look smart not to hide her secret identity. Not a fan of sunglasses indoors, but he’s fucking Bono, man. Point: Bono

NRA membership:

“Yes” vs. “No”

Point: Palin.

Trips to Africa:

“None” vs. “A shitload”

Point: Bono.

There you have it. By a score of 3-2, it looks like Bono is more qualified than Sarah Palin to be a vice presidential candidate on a major party ticket. And I just successfully vetted both these candidates more thoroughly than the McCain campaign did.

5. Raggedy Ann and Andy

Along with the enormous, easily angered mass of self-consuming greed, Raggedy Ann and Andy also featured such child-friendly characters as Sir Leonard Looney, the deranged knight who comes off as a murderously flamboyant vaudevillian dog-hybrid on crystal meth.

 

4. Cloak and Dagger

A young boy’s failure to cope with a dead mother and a negligent father has led to hallucinatory psychosis. Now he is being hunted by murderers. It’s Hitchcock for kids!

3. Never Ending Story

Artax. Swamp of Sadness. Let’s not relive it.

But here it is:

 

2. Labyrinth

Being chased through a maze of infinite staircases by an omnipresent David Bowie in tights? Nightmare. Add Jim Henson? Kid’s movie.

1. The Dark Crystal

Seriously, did Henson secretly hate kids? Why was I even allowed to watch this?

   I am first and foremost a lifter.  Talkin weights.  When I die I want people to look at my grave and think “man, what a waste of massive bis and killer pecs.”  I would have them bury my arms above ground if it was legal.  I’m pretty sure my biceps will take years to deteriorate.  I’m that cut.  A friend hear a rumor about Chuck Norris that states that when he does pushup, he isn’t lifting his weight up, he’s pushing the earth down.  I want that sort of legacy.  Around the gym I get respect.  Especially on max day.  People at the gym know what I’m capable of.  They fear me.  At least they avoid me.  That’s why it’s so maddening that jerk off kids don’t show me any love.

   Because I spend so much time working my Lats, I can’t really hold down a demanding full time job.  I work part time gigs to pay for the Whey and chicken breasts.  Recently I got hired on by an area home owners association to be their “Property Protection Patrolman.”  It’s only 4 hours a day and I get a vehicle to use free of charge.  I have a uniform and a flashlight too.  I am very clearly in charge of patrolling the neighborhoods and yet these punk kids flip me crap everyday.  Today some little asswipe yelled “hey…I thought I smelled turkey bacon?!”  It was some sort of attempt to point out that I am not actually a cop but some sort of imitation security guard.  He wasn’t laughing when I wrote him a citation for “Curbside Harassment.”  It doesn’t have any actual fine attached to it but it’s bright pink and is definitely official looking. 

   All I am asking for is some respect.   What makes me a target?  The embroidered badge on my uniform clearly says “Serving Your Homes” and yet these little A holes are always acting like I’m some narc.  I would think that my hard earned physique would be enough to command their respect but I’m guessing they can’t tell how massive I am inside this compact hybrid response vehicle.  I even take the identifying door cling magnets off sometimes when I want to work sting or do recon around the community park.  They still seem to know it’s me.  “Hey boner…UPS called, they want their uniform back!”

    If these kids puts half as much time working out as they do taunting me we would be living in a better world.  One with bigger Delts and Quads.  Maybe then I wouldn’t need to patrol the streets looking for a reason to fire up my amber lights.  It’s a place I would sure like to live.  As long as the gym doesn’t get too crowded. 

A ninja bandit is loose in your city. Take our advice and you should successfully detain the vigilante.

Understand your ninja. Though each ninja is masked and sublimates his identity to a collective guild, each ninja is different. One ninja might steal for vigilante justice, while another might steal for vigilante justice and to defend the honor of his master.

Hire an even stealthier ninja to capture the original ninja. This tactic should be only considered as a last resort as most ninjas are loyal to their guild and master before anything else. You wouldn’t want to hire a third supremely stealthy ninja with an even greater chance of awakening to his betrayal of the ninja order. One of the eight virtues of the Samurai is “absolute loyalty to one’s superior” punishable by seppuku, so don’t expect any favors.

Hire a pirate. In the realm of villain folklore, a pirate compares equally to a ninja in status though their respective tactics are diametrically opposed. Whereas a ninja relies on stealth and discipline, the pirate is comprised of equal parts swashbuckling and bravado. Perhaps like love, fugitive ninja capturing is about opposite forces attracting and one catching the other.

Lastly, whoever does end up catching the ninja would be best served keeping one simple rule in mind: do not catch the ninja.

In all likelihood the ninja will just escape prison and once out, will not rest until enacting the vengeance due to his captor. In the event that the state listens to my recommendations on the safe detainment of a ninja bandit (a follow up piece that will run next week) and ties anchors to the ninja extremities before locking him in a small trunk, the vengeance debt will be passed down to the ninja’s progeny. This fate could be even worse.

We’ve all been at a party where everyone is playing drinking games. But you feel like you don’t fit in because you love cocaine. Here are some great alternatives to make sure you can still hang out with your friends and not have to abandon your cocaine habit.

1.  Cocaine Pong
Beer Pong is a great party game that allows people to compete against one another by throwing ping pong balls into cups full of beer and forcing their competitors to drink them. Simply empty out the beer and replace them with grams of raw cocaine. Start playing and enjoy!

2.  Hundred Dollar Bills
The game Quarters involves bouncing quarters into a cup and if successful making others drink beer.  For our new game we’ll try to bounce 100 dollar bills into a glass.  If successful you can use that same dollar to snort up cocaine.  Also, if unsuccessful, just go ahead and have at that cocaine anyway.

3.  Snort
A classic drinking game called Drink calls for participants to drink whenever someone says a certain key word.  For our version every time someone such as a parent or sibling says something that depresses you or undercuts your self esteem, go into the bathroom and do a snort of cocaine.

4.  Cocaine Pong 2
An upgraded version of the new classic.  The game is the same, the only difference is instead of cocaine you’re now hooked on heroine.

5.  Party Ender Bender
The great drinking game where you crumble drunken, screaming onto the floor while vomiting and telling everyone to get out of your apartment. Instead of being drunk, you’re just high on whatever drug you’re on now. The game is usually played right before one checks himself into rehab.