Gas is expensive. It’s getting more so all the time. Mass transit is becoming overloaded with passengers forced to leave their vehicles at home. Fortunately they have that option. Certain professions rely on driving vehicles and perhaps none is more so affected than drive-by criminals. Comic Wonder secured an exclusive interview with an area man who is notorious for his prompt and accountability in the drive by crime sector.

Gat Brandish is a 25 year old who has built a reputation for being the best at what he does. Drive-bys. “It’s not all shooting guns and stuff…it’s also about Molotov cocktails and even like yelling bad stuff at people who you hate.” Gat looked sentimental when he spoke about “the like, olden days and stuff.” “I remember when I could jack some mark for like $30 bucks or whatever and that would fill up my Caprice with gas and leave me extra money for like other stuff. Now I need to beat a dude for like $80 duckets just to fill up my tank. Then I got to find another dude to gank beer money from.” Gat is not alone. In fact, several other area criminals contacted us with similar complaints. Sir Cutz-a-lot is a regionally famous tire slasher who says that due to increasing fuel costs his days of “rolling dirty” are behind him. “I tried taking the downtown bus to the Eastside to get a buster who stepped to me one time but the ride was like 45 minutes and I had to sit next to some dude who stank.”

It’s easy to complain about the price of fuel these days but for most of us it’s merely an inconvenience. For likeable criminals like Gat and Cutz it has become a paralyzing reality that is forcing them in to early retirement. Gat recently considered an opportunity to “roll on some trick” until he learned that it was a nearly 26 mile drive. “I had to duck that one because it’s like mad expensive when you’re rolling on duece dueces.” Gat is referring the popular auto customization of adding larger wheels and thinner tires to vehicles. His 22 inch rims are much larger than the Caprices factory designed rims. An LA Times report stated that “An estimated 20% of your fuel goes to overcoming rolling resistance from tires. The larger the tire, the more rolling resistance.” “I’ve been steady mobbing in that ride for so long I know how to translate the gauges and stuff. If it says like 70, I know I’m doing more like 58.” This is just another example of how high gasoline prices are pimp slapping hoods like Gat.

In a cruel twist of fate, Crime Stoppers recently announced that tips leading to the capture and arrest of wanted criminals you will be rewarded with a $250 gas card. “So like, I gotta chirp on one of my homeys in order to get the snaps for petro?” Gat and others are now finding themselves among the hunters and the hunted.

The next time you are filling up your Neon with $75 dollars in fuel think of those who have it even worse. I think there’s a little Gat in all of us. Since we completed this interview with Gat and Cutz, a man know as “Eddie Machete“, who claims a different set of values, turned in Gat to Police. He was rewarded with a $250 dollar gas card. ” I don’t even have a car so I’ll probably just spend it on Bugles and Combos and stuff like that in their deli.”