I haven’t had much luck with Internet dating in the past. But I had this idea the other day: Maybe give Internet dating another shot and include some links to my jokes at Comic Wonder on my profile; that way potential dates might find me funny and thus like me more. Maybe … maybe not. Nah, probably not, and I’ll tell you why—because Internet dating never works for me.

With the advent of Internet dating years ago I thought for sure my days of singletude would be over. The concept seemed perfect and simple: Browse online, find profiles you like and shoot them a message. Meanwhile, the ladies could browse my profile, see my pictures and read my musings. Between my decent looks and cleaver wit, I thought, dates would no doubt be forthcoming.

Years later and I haven’t had much luck with online dating. Why?

My first guess is that I must be a terrible profile writer. When I try to write something earnest, it comes off sounding trite to me. But then if I write something humorous or goofy, it must come off as too edgy, offensive, or just not funny at all. This doesn’t make sense to me because in person I’m told I can be funny.

Then there’s the height issue. At 5’5 I’m not exactly a towering giant, and yet I refuse to lie about my height. I wouldn’t want to disappoint as I’ve been disappointed before. Example: I once met a girl online whose idea of “sexily voluptuous” was actually morbidly obese.

I go online and see profiles of girls I like, but it seems a bit pointless—and it’s certainly demoralizing—to contact a girl when you discover off the bat you don’t meet her minimum height requirement. I don’t begrudge girls their preferences. For example, I’m not attracted to fat chicks. But if I wrote on my profile, “No fat chicks,” I’d be called an asshole. But it’s all so hypocritical, because whereas a fat chick can lose weight—I can’t grow!

Then, in a pathetic attempt to make my grandmother happy and bring home a Jewish girl, I joined Jdate (the “J” stands for Jew, in case you were wondering). I thought I chose the perfect screen name: LawyerDoctor1973. After all, what Jewish girl can resist a guy who is both a lawyer AND a doctor?! That didn’t work. I guess I forgot to add Nobel Prize recipient.

But if I think my profiles are lame, they are nothing compared to some of the ones I’ve read. Here are some really lame ones I just found:

 “Sometimes I like to go out at night, but I also like to stay in and watch a movie—LOL”

 Really?! Do you sometimes like to sit down, but other times stand up? Wow, somebody who sometimes goes out and sometimes stays in—what a marvel.

“I love to laugh!”

Well that’s nice to know. I thought you were one of the many people out there who hates laughing.

“I’m rilly smart.”

Sure you are. Did you ever hear of spell check?

“I like talking on the phone.”

That’s charming.

“I am a cool calm person and ready 2 meet new people I enjoy taking walks in the park and just relaxing i have an eight year old little girl she is my world a lot of my time is spent with her when I’m not at work and i am willing 2 share some of my time with that cool calm somebody like myself.”

i 2 speak in long run-on sentences without ever taking a breath or using any sort of pause whether it’s a comma or a semi-colon because the fact is u just can’t stop me from speaking once i start and don’t get me talking about my cat henry who is my world and with whom i spend 2 much time with but hey when you’re single hanging with cats is the only way to get any puss-oops i won’t say it but i think you know what i mean okay i’m done no wait i’m not because if you didn’t notice i also don’t hit the shift key.

“I’m looking for my knight in shinning armor. He should be able to take apart a car’s engine and hunt, yet be funny, educated and sensitive.”

Good luck finding a sensitive educated and mechanic who enjoys hunting. I guess everybody is allowed to dream, right?

Well, I could go on and on, but I feel guilty browsing profiles for blog fodder while I’m at work!